Am I doing the right thing?

(7 Posts)
TillyA Mon 14-Apr-14 16:20:15

Hi all,
I had totally forgotten about Mumsnet; joined when I was preggers (and so excited!). Well my daughter has now just turned 3, and after several years of not getting on with OH at all, I have decided to call it a day. If I'm honest we were never really in the right place to have a baby, but I guess that I have just been hoping all this time that things will improve. Before our daughter was born he was controlling, alcoholic and violent at times. Since, he has had no reason to be controlling due to my good little housewife role, to his credit he hasn't hinted at any more violence, but he still drinks every day (though not been drunk more than a handful of times since Christmas when this all came to a head). He is out of work again, so that may play a part in the slowing down of the drinking, furthermore he seems to have a weed dependency (though he has shown recently that he can do without - this was a surprise to me).
I told him I was leaving in Jan/Feb, cant really remember anymore, but I couldn't go straight away due to uni commitments. I have been asking him to leave for some time now (every time we have this discussion - at least a couple of times a year prior to 2014, but he wont - he doesn't want it over, and he is asserting the last vestiges of control that he can. Since February he has actually been really quite nice, and I feel like I am being the unreasonable one, esp as he has eased up on the drink and weed. But, I am having what I can only describe as a very delayed reaction to all the crap that occurred pre-baby - the violence, heavy drinking, name-calling and controlling. I am still very angry and resent him more now then I ever did. At the time I was very forgiving, and I did love him, hence we had a baby. Now, I can quite confidently say I don't love him, I am fairly sure of that anyway. I also don't trust him, and I cant rely on him (he is always in and out of work). He is fairly anti-social, and we have never had an emotionally intimate relationship, we are also very different, have different experiences, views, and ambitions. I feel like I need more from a relationship, though as he is at the moment, I could probably bumble along for the rest of my life. Sigh...as you can probably tell I am going round in circles.....
In the last couple of weeks, I have bitten the bullet, and put down a deposit on a house about 10 miles away, and am moving with our daughter at the end of the month. I have told him, and he has gone through all the motions of utter disbelief and denial (he never did take any of my earlier protestations seriously), begging me not to go, anger and drunken rages and threats, and back through the cycle again. But I feel I have to do it. He will not ever change - he is 46 (13 years my senior), and moreover I wont either - I don't feel that my love, trust and respect can ever come back. But I feel SO utterly wretched about it all, so unhappy, depressed (why does it feel so wrong, if, as everyone is telling me, including my head, so right), but most of all SO guilty. I feel so bad about taking my daughter away from her daddy, and a daddy that despite his shortcomings as a partner is completely devoted, and fantastic with her. I just cannot come to terms with this bit, and wake up everyday having to make the decision again from scratch. it is killing me, but I think it is right. If I was on my own, I would know it was right. And staying with him for her sake is false logic, right?
I don't know, I am so new to this. it is my first long term relationship, my first child, and my first break-up. And it totally sucks, I wasn't expecting it to feel this awful. If I hadn't had put down a deposit on the house, I would be backtracking, and joining my oh/ex with his head in the sand, and carrying on like that for another 5/10/20 years - we would have another baby and the situation would worsen. Or would it? Im sorry, I am just so confused. This also feels like it just isn't happening half the time, or like I am blowing everything into proportion.
How am I going to explain it to a 3 year old? Will she end up hating me? Will she be ok?
Thank you so much for letting me use this once happy place as a sounding board. I hope you had a good weekend.
Tilly x

Hi Tilly - you've obviously gone through a long thought process to get where you are now. You've considered various possibilities and have decided that leaving is the best thing. If you've had the same discussions over and over again and nothing significant has changed, then you have two alternatives - stay and be miserable or leave and work towards something better for yourself and your DD.

Staying in a miserable relationship would be a sad thing for your daughter to see. What would you advise her if she came to you with this quandary?

starlight1234 Mon 14-Apr-14 18:45:40

Kids are really adaptable...

Watching 2 parents unhappy while growing up is not healthy for a little one..At this age she will accept she lives in a different house to daddy and then see's him...

I loved my Ex when I left him but the trust had gone and I did know it would never come back..Despite him telling if I didn't trust it ..It was my issue to deal with ...nothing to do with how many lies he has told..

If you have gone round and round in cirlces for years I doubt he expects you to leave and if you change your mind I expect he will go back ro any previous behaviour as he won't believe you are leaving

TillyA Mon 14-Apr-14 21:20:53

Thanks ladies. I feel better today, a little. Weekends are really hard, having to witness just how much my daughter and her daddy love each other. Of course I love her heaps and heaps, but I just cant help find myself in position of observer, and it makes me feel really sad, guilty, and if im honest, even a little envious. I just worry that she will resent me for this in the long run. Her dad resents his mum for the same charge. But Im pretty sure I cant go on. On the surface, it seems ok, but that is only because he disregards my feelings (for whatever reason), pretends it is all ok, and leaving me to drag myself along. I am a strong character so god knows why I have taken such a secondary position in this relationship, but I have for 9 years now. My daughter would grow up in, a family that on the surface was normal, but lacking in respect and tenderness, and an increasing resentful, and subjugated mother. That is not me.
Thank you for your response, I was a little worried that I would attract contempt, such is my feeling of guilt about this. I think you are really brave to leave a man you love starlight, and I admire you for doing what must have been the right thing - it is such a difficult step, even when you are not in love, I guess that is why so many stay. How is it now, do you know it was the right thing to do?

starlight1234 Mon 14-Apr-14 21:41:29

My situation was very different yours in the fact..My Ex very much resented the arrival of DS despite him been very planned..

Straight away life was easier without Ex..baby relaxed and was much happier...

As time went on I realised how badly he was treating me and how he was lowering my self worth...I left for my child...

As you have a daughter remember the way you are accepting been treated is modelling for your daughter..

I have a feeling when you move out you will feel the same

milkysmum Mon 14-Apr-14 22:29:49

Tily I have been in a very similar situation to you. Married to a man in and out of work, over reliance on weed and an angry and abusive person when drunk. gradually felt more and more resentment and would often catch myself thinking ' bloody hell is this it for so many years to come? ' on the flip side we have a beutiful daughter who is 5 and a real daddies girl and a fabulous son aged 2. however.... 6 weeks ago things came to a head and I asked him to leave. our daughter was devastated and cried and cried for me to 'let daddy come home'sad BUT this has already got much better and I have explained as best I can why mummy and daddy have to live in diffrent houses. I am super confident I have done the right thing despite life feeling tough sometimes. You have to do what feels right for your own happiness, your little girl wont hate you. Be strong smile

TillyA Mon 14-Apr-14 23:29:35

Wow, thanks milkysmum. It feels good to know that there are other people out there in such a similar situation. I think, selfishly it is hard being the one instigating the separation, there seems to still be an element of stigma attached to that, or perhaps I am reading too much into it. It does baffle me how many people adhere to the very old-fashioned belief that you stay no-matter-what.
I wish you all the very best in your future happiness, thank you all for your positivity x

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