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Stbexh wants to introduce new girlfriend

(16 Posts)
skat73 Thu 10-Apr-14 22:00:07

Ex dh left me and my two DD's last summer. He now has a new girlfriend (to be honest I think she was on the scene last year but that's a different story) . New girlfriend has a little boy. Dh wants to introduce new girlfriend. I know it's going to happen but it makes me feel sick. It just seems he is forming a new little family. I hate the fact the girls might get close to the other woman and might get close to a new brother. I don't want to be back with ex but it upsets me so much. Any tips on how to cope with it all? Will this feeling ever go away?

MikeWazowski Thu 10-Apr-14 22:03:15

I really can't help as I'm in a very similar position and don't know what to do. I'll happily sit here and hold your hand while we wait for the wise ones to come along. wine for us both.

skat73 Thu 10-Apr-14 22:06:06

Thanks. Let's hope someone comes along to help us soon!

MisForMumNotMaid Thu 10-Apr-14 22:09:34

You can never ever ever be replaced. You are no.1. You are their world, their stability.

As they get older you will be the one they shout at and loose their temper with because they know that your love is completely unconditional and you are always there for them. You will also always be the one they want to tell about their latest award at school, marks on a spelling test, going up a reading level.

Your XH is not there for the little cuddles before bed. Yes he might be able to do fancy weekends or great gifts but its all the little stuff that makes parenting great not the grand gestures.

The other women is with a cheater if he was at it before he left. How happy could you be in a relationship with someone you know doesn't do commitment?

She's not competition. She's in a slightly awkward position of having to be reminded of his past relationship when the Girls are with him.

I think once you realise that they wont switch off their love for you because of new exciting other adult it gets easier.

skat73 Thu 10-Apr-14 22:11:53

Thank you MisforMumNotMaid that made me cry (in a good way). I'm trying so hard but it's really getting to me.

Amytheflag Fri 11-Apr-14 01:58:03

Another thing to consider is out of the two options (girls hating their dad's girlfriend and dreading seeing him and having a sad time or girls liking her and having happy times with their dad), them liking her and having a nice time really is the best outcome for the situation. My dad had a girlfriend when I was a child who hated children. She didn't speak to me at all when I stayed with him and it made me pretty sad and dreaded the weekends. You don't want that for your girls.

I second what Amy said.

My ex is now with his third GF in less than 3 years who has introduced DS to hmm .

However, the one he has at the minute, DS seems to really like her and get on with her, and she seems to really love him. I love it as I know he is being looked after well, that she tries hard to give DS a 'family' atmosphere when he is with his dad, and seems to be helping their relationship.

This is WAY WAY better than the first one, who resented DS and made the whole atmosphere awful.

As MisFor says - you will always be number one in their eyes. Don't let this get to you. Think of the positives this could bring for your DS/ your family set up, and try not to let emotions get in the way of that.

Malificentmaud Sat 12-Apr-14 09:22:41

My dd was introduced to zillions of girlfriends and I used to worry it would have a detrimental effect on her. In reality she just saw them as playmates. Then ex met the woman he would go on to marry and she was kind and loving and now four years on dd has a great, family environment when she is with her dad. Sm certainly takes on "mum" work when dd is with them but dd knows exactly who her mum is. Nothing or no one could ever replace me.

Anormalfamily Sat 12-Apr-14 15:01:35

OP, I was a lp for 8 years, my ds was 7 when exh met someone he was to eventually marry. I have always been v close to ds and could not bear the idea of him being away from me for a whole weekend, never mind if with dad only or not!
I only heard lovely things said about stbsm by ds, how she'd play and talk with him, etc.
Exh and she married quietly and ds managed to keep it a secret from me, not because they felt guilty but they wanted to spare my feelings.
I've always felt guilty that I had not made more positive noises re sm and when we finally met, everybody, especially ds, were so relieved when we got on. She's a lovely woman and I do all arrangements re ds, holidays etc, over her. I was incredibly sad when she told me of several miscarriages she'd suffered, as ds had always wanted siblings, and I was too old really when I finally met dh.
Please don't be as hesitant or ignorant as I was. I never said bad things about sm or implied ds could never like her but neither did I say anything encouraging either, out of fear, the same as you are feeling.
Now having said that, unfortunately I can't win 'em all... My dsc's mum has always given her dc a terrible time re me, there is nothing she could fault me on, we have a very child centred atmosphere and her kids have finally both warmed to me. I'd never "steal" her children, I have my ds. I always feel if she'd ever swallowed her pride and spoken to me as "equals" she'd have been amazed how much we have in common. Shame really.
Sorry to twitter on, just want to add my ds, now going on 16, has often thanked me for being the bigger person and not making him suffer for also liking sm. He loves his step siblings and sees how they've suffered.

Sassy777 Sat 12-Apr-14 18:15:44

Another in the same boat here, although my ex moved in with the OW and her 2 kids a month after leaving me and our 3 kids!! He then introduced our kids to them all 2 weeks after that. Didn't even speak to me about it. The first I knew was when my 6 year old came home saying he'd been round Tom's house (one of her kids)... Yep, ex is a tosser and I now have zero respect for him. Will never forgive him for his selfish actions. Her too. What woman moves her boyfriend in with her and her kids that early on? He could only have met her kids at most a month before he moved in with them!! Selfish pricks, the pair of them.

Anyway... I know exactly how you feel and it is incredibly hard at first. I still hate the thought of them all playing happy families 9 months on (all 5 kids range from 2 years old to 9 years old). BUT I know that my kids are happy and that's all that matters at the end of the day. I always tell myself how awful it would be if they didn't like her or her kids. Sending them somewhere they don't want to go would be much harder.

And no, I would never take him back. I have no respect left for him now. I just hate the fact that he walked away from his beautiful children without even trying to fix things for the sake of them. Fair enough, if things didn't work out after we'd tried to sort things, then leave, but don't spring it on me out of the blue and bugger off!

Sorry, went ot there didn't I!

Hugs xxx

GEM33 Fri 18-Apr-14 22:58:26

Going through this now... Dreading my dd liking ex s girlfriend or worse her being horrible to my dd. yes I agree best outcome would be getting on but I just want to scream and shout nooooooooooooo I don't want to experience this at all. Wish my ex would just see her on his own...

Want to know the weirdest part... My ex had ds age 5 when I met him and I had 7 years of playing step mum. I did all the family stuff and as my ex was so crap at being dad I took on more role than him. I always worried what his mum thought about me or what she went through sending him to us but I only fully appreciated this when I had my dd. I never fully accepted that ex had ds and it was a big issue for me. I was always nice and encouraged outings and stuff with his ds but I always felt like I'd rather he didn't have a child with someone else.... (I know I know). I resented our time being taken up by someone else's child when I was a selfish non mother but after having my dd I changed my view.

Maybe this is karma

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 20-Apr-14 09:46:51

I stressed about STBXH going on and on about introducing his "fiancé" to the DCs - especially as he claimed they'd only been together for 2 months and already engaged. But with the amount of porn going into his email account the last few months and the high mobile bill (yes, so clever to have them go to the email account that you had on MY internet service, you prat), I'm not thinking it'll be a long term relationship. Ew.

Daisypops Fri 25-Apr-14 21:44:10

I am in this position too. Someone said to me see the girlfriend as an aunt figure.

Its really hard. My ex has seen the dc three times this year and us asking to see them from 9-6 on Saturday. Dc1 doesn't want to go for so long but asking exp to compromise is going to be a battle.

I just keep thinking its me my dc rely on for everything its me they come home too and its me who is the constant in their life. Nothing will ever take that away

Daisypops Fri 25-Apr-14 21:45:58

I am in this position too. Someone said to me see the girlfriend as an aunt figure.

Its really hard. My ex has seen the dc three times this year and us asking to see them from 9-6 on Saturday. Dc1 doesn't want to go for so long but asking exp to compromise is going to be a battle.

I just keep thinking its me my dc rely on for everything its me they come home too and its me who is the constant in their life. Nothing will ever take that away

Daisypops Fri 25-Apr-14 21:46:07

I am in this position too. Someone said to me see the girlfriend as an aunt figure.

Its really hard. My ex has seen the dc three times this year and us asking to see them from 9-6 on Saturday. Dc1 doesn't want to go for so long but asking exp to compromise is going to be a battle.

I just keep thinking its me my dc rely on for everything its me they come home too and its me who is the constant in their life. Nothing will ever take that away

Daisypops Fri 25-Apr-14 21:47:02

Erm dont know what happened there. Sorry

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