Easter holidays-Im so miserable.

(25 Posts)
ROZ12 Fri 04-Apr-14 19:48:26

Hi all

Need your support. Everyone is so happy that it's the start of the holidays. But for single parents it means splitting the holiday. I should be used it by now as it's happened last 6 years. But why do I find it so hard? Why does my DD cry and become anxious and stressed before she leaves??? Most children are so happy today and being a child. My child is having to pack and get stressed like an adult.

Anyone have same experience how should I deal with this?

By the way my DD is terrified to tell her father she doesn't like his house or visiting him. She did once and he replied deal with it.

Should I apply to court to stop holiday splits? But no strong reason to why?

Please advise.

cestlavielife Fri 04-Apr-14 21:07:39

How old is dd

ROZ12 Fri 04-Apr-14 21:14:41

she is 11.

SimLondon Fri 04-Apr-14 21:48:31

Why is she terrified of him?
Why doesn't she like visiting him?

balia Fri 04-Apr-14 21:50:43

Do you think DD knows how you feel and is worried and stressed about leaving you alone and miserable? They do pick up on far more than we think.

inthename Fri 04-Apr-14 22:52:26

Unfortunately its something that seems to happen at this age when they've been splitting their time for a while. My ds is a similar age, been doing week long contacts in holidays for 10 years, all of a sudden at Christmas loads of tears, not wanting to go etc. Turned out to be his dad prioritising step mum and deciding that ds was 'too old' for a night light and a teddy! After that ds admitted things had been difficult for a while and he basically missed listening to the radio, watching a bit of tv etc as his dad is still sending him to bed at 8. It seems that the nrp struggles with the change in their child and thw child notices that the nrp sometimes can't really be bothered and the childs friendships also become more important.
Think its a case of grin and bear it, courts don't tend to take notice until they are a bit older.
I've always encouraged contact, never spoken badly of ex etc yet ds is still adament that the day he turns 16 he wants to cut all contact with his dad as he tells me he doesn't want him around and feels like his dad resents the time and effort.

ROZ12 Sat 05-Apr-14 13:01:24

I always encourage her to go and say positive things about going.

She is scared as he is quite strict and especially his wife. They punish their children and she doesn't want the same to happen to her which doesn't as she is good a gold there. She lives in fear there and hates the atmosphere.

What should I do??

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 13:22:15

How to you mean they "punish their children"?

You're doing the right thing to encourage it if there are no welfare issues. 11 really isn't old enough to decide something as huge as cutting contact with Dad. It does often happen around that age as the other poster said. Maybe in the next couple of years, her social life will dictate a more relaxed approach to contact.

My dd looks forward to going to her Dad's and then again coming back here - so try not to feel your dd is going through this because she is the product of a "broken home".

It's very hard but I would just stay positive and let your dd know you have friends and things close to you while she's not there, you'll miss her but you'll be having loads of fun and she is okay to do the same. Then you can share stories when you are together again.

If you've been upset and stressed about it every holiday for six years I imagine as the other poster has said that she will have picked up on this, despite your best efforts. I think once you can be happy with the arrangements, your dd will follow.

Smilesandpiles Sat 05-Apr-14 13:24:16

If she doesn't want to go don't force her.

Part of your job is to ensure she feels safe and happy no? Then why send her to somewhere she hates, doesn't feel happy, and is anxious about going to the point of tears?

She's 11 so has a good idea of what she wants and that's to stay with you.

ROZ12 Sat 05-Apr-14 14:01:59

There is a court order I have to force her. She keeps saying if you stayed married I wouldn't have to go through this. It's not fair my friends are all normal and don't have to stress about these things.

Will a judge hear us out and reduce contact at least?

ROZ12 Sat 05-Apr-14 14:03:49

I am happy with arrangements I get sad when she does!

Punishment wise I meant the kids get sent to teh attic if naughty and just told off if they dont do their work or get it wrong. My DD stresses about this too they often quiz her general knowledge and gets scared when she gets it wrong.

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 14:26:18

Sent to the atticshock sounds like a Dickins novel!

I 100% disagree with the poster who says don't make her go. You wouldn't allow her to miss school or a trip to the dentist just because she didn't want to go so IMO this is the same.

Unless there are concerns beyond different parenting styles then for her emotional well being long term I personally think you need to be pushing her to go. What does he say she's like once she's there?

gamerchick Sat 05-Apr-14 14:32:18

I'm sorry like but if my kid was getting punished by being sent to the attic for little things like that I would be stopping contact and having a strong word with the stepmother.

Force her to go?! Not a chance.

Time for a new Court order.. she's . old enough to tell the judge how she feels.

SimLondon Sat 05-Apr-14 14:46:25

I think that at 11 she is old enough to tell the judge what she wants and he/she will take that into consideration.

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 14:57:41

I imagine it's a room in the attic... Not the attic as in a dark space covered in cobwebs wink who of us hasn't sent their child to a room when they're naughty?

Please don't put your 11 year old through court, OP sad

ROZ12 Sat 05-Apr-14 15:45:47

It a room in the attic.

Why not court? That's the only wat to reduce contact. she wants to go to express her feelings.

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 15:59:48

It's a horrible experience for all involved. Most professionals (even lawyers!) agree it should be used as a last resort. Family counselling could be a good first option for her to air her feelings in a safe place?

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 16:00:11

It's a horrible experience for all involved. Most professionals (even lawyers!) agree it should be used as a last resort. Family counselling could be a good first option for her to air her feelings in a safe place?

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 16:01:07

It's a horrible experience for all involved. Most professionals (even lawyers!) agree it should be used as a last resort. Family counselling could be a good first option for her to air her feelings in a safe place?

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 16:01:11

It's a horrible experience for all involved. Most professionals (even lawyers!) agree it should be used as a last resort. Family counselling could be a good first option for her to air her feelings in a safe place?

Donki Sat 05-Apr-14 16:09:46

You obviously have strong feelings on the subject Maud.

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 16:25:22

It's a horrible experience for all involved. Most professionals (even lawyers!) agree it should be used as a last resort. Family counselling could be a good first option for her to air her feelings in a safe place?

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 16:25:56

Ha! No idea what happened there!!! smile

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 16:33:49

Sorry Roz!! I really don't feel that strongly about it wink

inthename Sat 05-Apr-14 22:31:55

If you are looking to vary an existing court order then you can apply to court. You would then probably be referred for mediation. As there is no identified risk, it is unlikely that any reports etc would be asked for. Your daughters views might betaken into account (though when I queried this recently I was told it was usually around 13 years old) but there is always the risk that her dad could be awarded more contact rather than less and judges vary hugely and one might feel that he should have more time, you never know with judges.
Most judges are pro extended contact these days and won't reduce it unless there is a real risk to the child.

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