Is it better to break up before or after the baby is born?

(10 Posts)
Nonie241419 Mon 31-Mar-14 09:40:37

My BIL is utterly flaky. He's never committed fully to a relationship, and has always bad mouthed his exes whilst still with them. He's in his forties. He's been in an on/off relationship now for about 3 years or so. They've broken up lots of times. She has a young DC from a previous relationship. BIL has never established more than a passing attachment to him.
BIL gave his gf a final ultimatum that he was walking away for good, then she announced that she was pg (they weren't ttc). BIL was very clear he didn't want a child, but she wanted to continue with the pregnancy, so she has. They moved in together about 6 weeks ago (baby is due next month) with her DC.
I saw BIL yesterday at his Mum's (without gf - we've only met her and her DC once, he always comes alone to family gatherings). He was saying he categorically doesn't want to be with gf anymore and is only there as he doesn't know when the 'best' time to go will be. His gf knows he wants to go and is begging him to stay.
I think if he goes, he will ask for contact with the baby initially, but I very much doubt he'll bother with it long term.
So when is best, clean break before, or wait til later? My feeling, given that he is not a supportive partner and I have no faith in the likelihood of them making it work long term, is that he should go now, and let her welcome her baby without the uncertainty of a break up hanging over her.
I'm asking here as BIL asked DH for advice.
Thank you.

whereisshe Mon 31-Mar-14 09:46:15

What a sad situation. Poor baby.

I would say after the baby is born. The logistics of a newborn mean an extra pair of hands (even disinterested hands) is invaluable. If he stays for the first 12 weeks the baby should be settled into more of a routine and be able to be left with other carers if need be. Provided he can be civil and not add to her stress of course.

God, he should just leave her the fuck alone tbh. He should've left a long time ago if that's how he feels! No one needs that BS when dealing with a DC and a newborn.

OwlCapone Mon 31-Mar-14 09:46:56

Neither is really better than the other - both are shit. He really should have left right at the beginning but obviously that is no help now!

I probably come down on the same side as you - leave now. Simply because it puts an end to it quicker. Either way it will be really tough for his gf.

Unless he can suck it up, be helpful and not cause extra stress...which it soudns like he can't. Sounds like it's been confusing for her, as he's changed his mind before.

OwlCapone Mon 31-Mar-14 09:48:03

The logistics of a newborn mean an extra pair of hands (even disinterested hands) is invaluable.

He could still "help" even if they split. If she wants him to. Personally, I just wanted XH to fuck off and leave me alone.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 31-Mar-14 13:18:38

Why either lull her into a false sense of security or stick around making it clear he does not want to.

Is he normally this childish

sittingatmydeskagain Mon 31-Mar-14 13:22:10

If he's going, he should just go. If he stays, he's just messing her about.

Obviously, the sensible and reasonable thing to do would to tell her that he just can't see the relationship working, but that he would be there for the baby. Then support her as much as she needs during the pregnancy, labour and early days.

Doesn't sound as though he's going to think reasonably, though, does it?

Meglet Mon 31-Mar-14 13:32:08

I think he should go now. I would rather have (of?) had no partner than the awful experience I did have with an unhelpful, abusive partner who wouldn't help at night and was still trying to slot in evenings at the pub. It undermined my gut instincts having someone getting at me all the time.

As my mum always says, "if you can't help, don't hinder".

Monetbyhimself Mon 31-Mar-14 13:36:27

Tell him to put his big boy pants on and get out.

Make sure he understands that he needs to provide financial support for his child regardless of whether or not he plans to support it practically and emotionally as well.

And tell him to start taking responsibility for his own fertility until he grows up.

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