My DD is five and a half. Her father has been in and out of her life since we separated when she was 1. Before it has been for a few months here and there, but he has usually maintained some kind of contact. This time however, he saw her last four months ago (having seen her every weekend before that for a good few months) and hasn't been seen or heard from since. At first I said to her that he lived a long way away and it was difficult for him to come visit. I also said I thought his phone may be broken or lost, however she is a smart cookie and I know these excuses are no longer washing with her.
The door is always open to him if and when he makes contact, but I am sure for one reason and another this is going to be the way it always is for her with her dad, and that this time he won't be back any time soon.
I am conscious DD may be starting to think I am telling her fibs, but its hard to know how much of the truth I should tell her.
I would appreciate any tips and advice from anyone who may be going through this or indeed be on the other side of it with a child of a similar age.
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Absent Father - how do you explain to a 5 year old?
Scoobsmam13 · 30/03/2014 14:27
Oh that's so hard 
I think I'd avoid sending her cards pretending to be from him just in case it has repercussions in the future.
I found pastoral care at school really good when my kids were struggling. Might be worth asking them to keep a special eye on her especially around things like Fathers day etc.
Thanks summermovedon - I do find distraction still works at her age, thank goodness!!
We are very close and she does say to me when she is missing him and she feels sad. Its just horrible when she asks if he doesn't love her anymore, or if she has made him cross, or if he just doesn't want to see her
I really appreciate hearing everyones past experiences. I don't know why I was so unprepared for her questions, its really not that much of a shock that XH isn't around.
Meglet I think saying some grown ups aren't good at being in a family is one i will keep in mind for when i am asked again. And I think you are right mexicanspringtime, I REALLY don't want to build him up and think i may have been at danger of doing that to say what she wanted to hear rather than what she needs to know.
XH also sees my DD as "emotionally draining" as he certainly used that term in the past. I am not sure how 5 hours a week can be emotionally draining??? but hey ho.
DD has been ill the past weekend and yesterday. The last few times she has been poorly she would ask for him, she hasn't once mentioned his name probably a week now. He too is most certainly an arse!
Thanks guys! 
I don't sugar-coat either. Ds first asked about where is daddy, when he was two - I was not expecting it at all and said 'he ran away'. Which he did.
Not sure that was the best thing to say. A couple of years later he asked if daddy ran away very fast 'like this..' then he ran across the room really fast. Lol. I explained a bit more - no, he drove my car up to London and caught a plane and didn't come back.
I explain now (he's 6) that daddy was a silly man and didn't want to be a dad as he wanted to do other things, but that when he left he DID know that I would do a very good job of being his mummy and that he knew I could love ds enough for both of us (me and x i mean)
Ds and I often have chats. We snuggle under a blanket and talk about things. He says he thinks about his dad quite a lot. I say that's fine and it's not surprising, and if he has anything to ask me, then he can and I will tell him.
He doesn't have a very high opinion of his father though does want to see some good in him - eg, when I repeated the other day that Xh knew I would look after ds very well on my own and love him enough for us both, ds said 'well that was quite kind of him really'
It's very hard. Ds would love to have a dad. It's hard as we live in a tiny rural place and most of his mates have married parents who are together.
I also remind him that families are all different - some little boys have a dad but no mum, other have a dad and mum who don't live together, others have no mum or dad (orphans in africa etc)
I have made a big 'Dad Box' to show him when he's old enough. Containing love letters, photos, pictures of Xh holding him as a baby etc.
I don't know where his dad is now. He pays nothing, never has. I hope he never returns and have to say I would be upset and concerned if ds wanted to find him one day. But I wouldn't stop him. I would help, but he would have to know the full truth about his father if he did.
SmokinmirMirors...you are doing far better than me...I have saved mental health letters and letters from the court saying he withdrew and a cafcass report slating him
Reading this thread with interest as DD (2.8) has just started asking why she 'doesn't have a daddy' over the last 2 weeks. Also a Grandma but she at least has the valid excuse that she is 6ft under as to why she has no contact . It's also taken me by surprise and has come on top of a house move, potty training, dummy removal and a recent trip to A&E (she asked the Dr if he was her daddy 
). I feel completely drained but think I held it well by saying 'Daddy has gone but he works very hard in London and loves you very much. Would you like to see some photos of him?' sadly when she did she kept saying "Yes please! I'd like see Daddy now, pleeease?" which broke my heart and I had to distract her before I cried. I hated him at that moment for not giving a shit about her over the last 2 years. I almost want to contact him just to tell him she is hurting, but know it isn't worth opening that door. His new g.f would think it was a ploy and stomp on it and he probably doesn't want to know anyway. I need to stop being bitter about it, but it is hard!
Typical - after posting on here yesterday, I overheard DS telling a child at swimming that he doesn't have a daddy because he didn't want him when he was a baby
Another talk is needed methinks!
He says that he really wants a dad - it's difficult as I don't really have many positive male role models around and apparently, I should have at least one.
Lioninthesun - My mum also used to vent by telling me all of the (very nasty) things my dad put her through. Thing was that I heard it so much and from such a young age, I didn't understand properly (or care!) about what it meant until I had my DS at 21.
Poll32 - My DS has had a lot of challenging behaviour - my local SureStart was (and still is) a BIG help. They've helped get a lot of things put in place at school. I'm also due to go on a Positive Parenting course - I'm staying optimistic!
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