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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Does the bitterness go ?

16 replies

GEM33 · 07/03/2014 08:10

When they leave you for someone else and then start putting the ow first before their own children and would rather spend time with ow than own children and spending their money on ow and tell you they haven't got any money but then go on holiday. When do you stop feeling bitter toward them and what they've done. I've been told the only revenge is to be happy and move on with your own life and I'm trying but every now and then it hits me and it hurts

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Monetbyhimself · 07/03/2014 08:15

How recent was your split OP ?

GEM33 · 07/03/2014 08:28

Jan 1st 2014

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Monetbyhimself · 07/03/2014 08:39

So recent and so raw. You WILL get through this and you WILL feel better. Someday. But for now there are so many emotions to contend with.
It's a complete roller coaster and the loss of control over your own life amd partvof your childrens lives is one of the most difficult things to contend with. Very often, people who have affairs expectvtheir Ex to behave in a certain way i.e how THEY want them to behave and that's often where friction and animosity start. Because the reality is that you are a himsn being and your feelings and emotions take over any demands he may make about finances or the children meeting OW or you having to leave your home.
You have a long journey ahead but you WILL feel better. And you and the kids deserve so much more thN being with someone who lies and cheats.

MaryPoppinsCarpetBag · 07/03/2014 08:48

Yes but it takes a long time. For me it was two years and a years worth of therapy.
I still have times of feeling bitter but the intensity has passed now. When I was where you are, I honestly couldn't see it ever getting better.
Don't try and force the happiness - I found doing that felt false and left me feeling even more depressed. I'd also drop the "revenge" part. My exH just wasn't bothered about anything. I could have won the lottery and married Gerard Butler and he wouldn't have felt inadequate (narcissist!). Just try and switch your focus. You and your children are what matters now. Focus on doing things that you find fun. Before long you'll realise that as hard a single parenting is, it's also an absolute joy :)

GEM33 · 07/03/2014 08:53

He said the other day he still has respect for me!! He got really angry when I laughed! I could not believe it. He has sworn on his own daughters life that he wasn't seeing anyone and a week later admits he is.
I don't want to waste my time dwelling on him or ow as he is not worth it but I've been crying over the complete shock of it (still can't believe it's happened thought dp
Was mr forever and loved dd more than the world) turns out he says things like "can't see dd tonight am working late" but in actual fact is in the pub with ow.
She is 26 he is 37. Our dd is second child for him. He left when both were 2. I wonder if he ll have more And leave again.

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GEM33 · 07/03/2014 09:08

Or and re revenge thing. I agree with letting that one go. It's hard though. It's like I want him to hurt as much if not more than me but like I say I'm really wasting my time and energy dwelling on him at all. :-(

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cestlavielife · 07/03/2014 10:11

you right in telling yourself it's waste of your energy.
get some therapy, CBT, attend a divorced and separated workshop or group.

bochead · 07/03/2014 21:02

best revenge is a life of your own well lived.

For some reason seeing the woman they rejected happy, contented and getting on with life without them REALLY winds men up like nothing else on earth. It's amazing how their egos secretly want us to pine for them for the rest of our lives.

This is especially true when the honeymoon period ends with the new woman - as it will. At that point they start pondering what they've given up and how much the child support, new digs and demands from the new woman is costing them. Even her now oft repeated requests that they pick up their own socks comes as a shock (and they finally realise you might have had a point about their slobbish habits lol!)

GEM33 · 07/03/2014 22:57

I just wish he regarded his children more. I don't know how men can be so cut off from their kids.

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Russianfudge · 08/03/2014 09:39

The best revenge is happiness, Gem. Focus on getting your life on track and on being happy for your children. An unhappy daddy is no good for them either so making him suffer is pointless.

It relatively early daysbut at around ten weeks you should be thinking about coming out of the fog a bit. I agree CBT could be useful and is offered free by most local authorities now.

Don't wind yourself up about things like how he's spending his money on his new partner. Even eight years on my Dh's ex makes angry comments about DH spending all his money on me -in reality I earn more than him! She was particularly cross when he apparently took me to New York for our anniversary when actually I took him to New York for his 40th, using mainly airmiles

I've been there myself, when my ex cheated and I left him used to pour over his Facebook page for any sign of anything that I could be offended by (he had a glass of champagne, he'd finished work early, he'd gone for a run during contact time with dd and left her with his mum, he had a new shirt) You can get yourself in a right state and the only person you'll hurt is yourself and your children.

Enough now.

ej3166 · 11/04/2014 20:51

Ooh I so hear you all and am desperate to have an "off" switch where I just stop getting hurt by everything ex does/doesn't do:-( I can't offer advice- I can offer a corner to sit in with me whilst we poke pins into voodoo dolls of our exes?!

Wantmylifeback · 12/04/2014 17:41

Ill join u in that corner.

mary4A · 16/04/2014 12:09

For me the angriness and biterness with with the new girlfriend.
We broke up and found out I was pregnant much later. He had started seeing her and in fact livibg with her by then.
It doesn't angry me that he wants fo be around baby when she is born, I am sure he will be a great dad, but botherS me to know he wants to take our baby to his place with his gf, take our baby on holidays, sleep overs and days at the park with his gf!
I can't stand the thought of new gf even meeting baby..
And its not like I will have a choice either, being european baby dad always has PR and shared custody unless if proven that he is a bad influence.
He wants to be as much around baby as a living parent would be, and take baby to his house as soon as possible for as long as possible.. That breaks my heart...

mary4A · 16/04/2014 12:27

For me the angriness and biterness with with the new girlfriend.
We broke up and found out I was pregnant much later. He had started seeing her and in fact livibg with her by then.
It doesn't angry me that he wants fo be around baby when she is born, I am sure he will be a great dad, but botherS me to know he wants to take our baby to his place with his gf, take our baby on holidays, sleep overs and days at the park with his gf!
I can't stand the thought of new gf even meeting baby..
And its not like I will have a choice either, being european baby dad always has PR and shared custody unless if proven that he is a bad influence.
He wants to be as much around baby as a living parent would be, and take baby to his house as soon as possible for as long as possible.. That breaks my heart...

I agree with what was said above, be happy with yourself, and that will wind them up.. But then you won't care anymore, so its a win win situation.

I think that the difficulty is to part ways when we are the othes caring for the most loving result of the relationship.. Our babies.. And specially if ex is still around! Feels like being stabled repeatedly!

I'll join you in that corner too..

GEM33 · 18/04/2014 22:39

Mary I agree. My ex has started to want his g/f to be around when he has our daughter now and started talking about how she will be in her life. It's driving me to distraction. I now wish the opposite of what i said before and wish him out of our lives completely. I did not have a child with him for our dd to be brought up by some other Trollope I do not know. He says to trust him and his ability to care for dd. trust! Now there's a word. . . And where did trusting him get me? Right... Wishing he d disappear forever.

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GEM33 · 18/04/2014 22:40

Note to self... 4 months down the line my bitterness is getting stronger...

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