Being the father, birth certificates and mother and baby units

(83 Posts)
Samreed Tue 04-Mar-14 22:24:58

Hi. Not sure if this is the right place but I'm at a bit of loss.

My ex and I had a beautiful baby late last year. Just before the birth she ended our relationship. Obviously reasons for this are important but since we're both biased and we both look at the situation differently all you would get is my version, and that wouldn't really help. Regardless, the reasons, in my opinion, were petty and easily overcome with better communication and understanding on both sides. And sometimes we're all guilty of being bad at that.

Anyway, I was there just after the birth (she had moved to her mothers house some months before - a good 6 hour drive) and I was there for the first week and have gone back every month since then, as often as time, etc, allows.

I have been as involved as I can be, I love this little baby as much as I can, I have been supporting her financially, and I want to be a part of her life. I have another child, from a previous marriage, and have been a loving caring father to them for the last 8 years. So I'm not new to this.

My ex was diagnosed with PND very soon after the birth. Looking back on the whole pregnancy I can understand this, her behaviour was often erratic and she was very nervous (she's an older mum at 41, with a history of depression). Sadly PND was almost expected.

Recently her PND has been getting worse and worse, despite increased meds, etc. I almost speak to her mum daily now to keep up to date on her status and of course my baby's well being. Her doctors have now advised that she and the baby be taken into care at a mother and baby unit. Having looked into this, and considering it a last resort, both her mum and I agree this is best for both her and baby.

But here's the thing. She registered our baby's birth and didn't name me as the father on the birth certificate. I still don't understand why. There was no violence in the relationship, no abuse of any kind, and I was genuinely excited and keen on welcoming this little life into the world. But with the PND I haven't ever broached this, something that bothers me a great deal, for fear of making things worse.

My concerns now are obvious. When she's admitted I have no legal responsibility over the child, I won't be able to make any decisions about her care, and if heaven forbid the worst should ever happen I'd have to go through the courts to get my child back from the state.

Am I right in thinking this? What can I do? I want my ex to get better. I have no intention of taking the baby away from her, but I do want to recognised legally as the father, in case of emergency. And for the future too, I want this child to know who their father is, legally.

I have broached this with my ex's mother who brushed me off with 'don't worry it won't come to that and we'll fill in all the forms listing you as the dad' but it doesn't feel like it's enough.

Help! What do I do??

fideline Thu 06-Mar-14 20:16:10

Nothing would be automatic and we don't know he'd have to hound if he even decided to raise the issue. Full all we know the mother was taken aback that she couldn't unilaterally name dad on the BC and has discussed with her mother her intent to recify it later.

Besides, it would be bloody odd to discover his child has been admitted to a medical facility with its mother and NOT mention to the management that he is the baby's father. What's he supposed to do shrug and go about his day?

I think I was advocating a pretty gentle approach too.

fideline Thu 06-Mar-14 20:16:29

*For all we know....

Anonymai Thu 06-Mar-14 20:21:02

I know nothing is automatic. I think I just said that when I explained they would look at existing family as well etc confused. The comments about hounding are based on conversation further up thread where people were suggesting courts and letters rather than a softer approach. This thread is going a bit doolally now. It's like people don't have a basic level of comprehension.

fideline Thu 06-Mar-14 20:23:02

Woah. I had posted suggesting pretty moderate course. Monet turned up all beetroot coloured and then turned on me when I disagreed with her.

Monetbyhimself Thu 06-Mar-14 20:51:17

Not going to share your extensive knowledge and experience of mother and baby units then Fid? Still waiting on your in depth analysis on the role of a 'NOK' and their role on legal/medical decision making.

fideline Thu 06-Mar-14 21:00:19

Absolutely Monet. Because every time one of us fills in the 'NOK' space on a hospital admission form, we aware it is information requested so that medical doctors can make instant and binding family law judgements if necessary hmm That's why I mentioned the concept of NOK, oh yes.

Think OP's thread has been derailed enough now, don't you?

3xcookedchips Thu 06-Mar-14 21:00:43

Don't worry about Monet, she's an angry and needs a target, it's not personal.

I think the OP has enough food for thought.

Monetbyhimself Thu 06-Mar-14 21:25:48

Very clear and informative information Fiideline. You are clearly an expert in this field. Or maybe not.

Oh 3cooked will you EVER tire of trawling this board looking to set the wimmin straight ? We know you're all about da menz. It's tiresome, it's usually innapropriate and in yet another thread it's dangerous. But hey, who cares if a vulnerable woman is further distressed and traumatised as long as the MRAs get to bang their drum.

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