Advice please from "resident" parents

[RandomMess]

So if you are a lone parent with full time residency of 3 dc between 7 & 12 what sort of "help" would you appreciate (or perhaps pay for if you could afford it):-

Cleaner 2 hours per week
Babysitter who actually did the little jobs that need doing in the evening, clearing up the kitchen general tidying etc.
Take the dc out at the weekend for a day to give you a break

Anything else in particular?

[Monetbyhimself]

Gardening and DIY. Everything else takes priority and then I get stressed as the garden is a mess and those bloody photos won't hang themselves!

[Dwerf]

The garden. I hate gardening, I'd be far happier with a concrete yard and a bloody big fence. I do pay a bloke to mow the lawn though.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Hmmm, I think it's very dependant inn the individual circumstances.

Are you thinking of offering this to someone?

What is your relation to them?

I would get the hump if my ex decided to send a Gardner or handyman round, less so a cleaner but still a bit " is there something your trying to say here"

What is this about for you contributing financially but knowing your ex can't spend 'your' money on whatever she chooses or finding a way to provide long term support that doesn't feel like a handout?

To me your motives would be paramount.

I would say get yourself a list together of the offers you making and let them pick consider adding things like a basics online shop, taking on responsibility for one of the kids activities ie pay for sessions and/or extra kit, take a bill, offering to pick and drop off for activities one night a week/pay for a taxi those night

[RandomMess]

I'm thinking of a list of suggestions/offers of things I can do to help in addition to the financial contribution.

Money will be tight on both sides and don't want to be a disney parent...

[HerrenaHarridan]

So this is for your ex.

Ok, I would stick with a list of offers.

Assuming you have a fairly good talking relationship offering to pay a cleaner for x hours to do your share of the tidying up after the kids is reasonable.

Definitely think about ferrying kids to activities, this is also good 1-1 time

Paying for the phone/Internet this also means your providing kids with means to stay in touch

If they're your kids then a babysitter would seem odd, surely you'd rather have them yourself.

Other things to think about include, coats, shoes and school uniform.

[RandomMess]

I won't be able to have the dc stay with me overnight . Happy to "babysit" and tidy/clean/do chores requested.

Wouldn't be able to pay for a cleaner but with agreement could come and a weekly clean (joint home).

Could still pay 50% of the gardener (sounds posh but is about £20 per month).

Yep will be doing the ferrying to various activited.

I guess all I can do is suggest and offer?

[Monetbyhimself]

Why aren't you having them to stay ?

[Anonymai]

Is it amicable? I wouldn't want an ex cleaning my house or being around apart from his role as a dad. And taking the kids out wouldn't be to give her a break surely? It's not a favour to her so don't present it as one. It's you doing what you should be doing anyway i.e spending time with your children.

[Anonymai]

Although I notice now you said "parent" so replace his with her and dad with mum if I've got it wrong. My bias there

[RandomMess]

yes exactly.

I wouldn't want an ex cleaning "my" house, well actually legally it isn't their house, it's "our" house.

I'm talking help over and above spending time with the dc.

Can only afford shared house, can't find any willing to have 3 dc stay overnight strangely enough...

[RandomMess]

We are just at the very start so it will be interesting to see what can be negotiated as acceptable/possible.

In the meantime I'm starting a campaign of teaching the dc how to clean/do chores and start a process of implementing a rota for them to help out daily. TBH it's long overdue.

[RandomMess]

It's died a slow death so no-one else involved. Have been saying that I if things don't change I can't spend the rest of my life like this but no willingless from the otherside.

Not sure how amicable it will be when we have the conversation, all I can do is offer on the practical side and then deal with the emotinal fall out

[Minime85]

I didn't like it when my ex left and would, to start with, doing school runs to and from my home, empty dishwasher etc. maybe I cut my nose off to spite my face but it made me uncomfortable and was not his place to do that anymore. he chose to leave the family home and therefore everything that goes with it in that regard.

maybe if children's rooms need decorating etc in time you could offer time to do that, def sitting with dcs so the other parent could go out, i agree re picking up and dropping off at activities, parties too.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

From my exp i would appreciate a bit of flexibility in that if i got the chance of a night out on 'my' weekend i could ask him to swap nights (i already do this for him quite often)

I would also appreciate some back up with discipline and behavour issues.

In the house- hmm diy and possibly check my car over every now and then as i am clueless and he's a car genius.

[RandomMess]

In terms of cleaning it would be more of a weekly clean like a cleaner would do, could go into work late one day per week and do it then and could obviously not do "our" bedroom. You know a proper clean of the bathroom and kitchen. The dc may have an opinion about who they want to live with longer term so whilst respect not coming and going as I pleased to the marital home, there may be uncertainty over who ends up living in it with the dc full time.

[RandomMess]

Nope, it is coming very shortly. Finding somewhere to go to that is at all affordable is difficult.

[Minime85]

I would be very unhappy if my ex cleaned my house as it would imply what I did wasn't good enough and we are on reasonable amicable terms. but my house if my house. yes its still the marital home but he chose to leave it. I really think the only way to find your answer is to sit and talk about it all with your partner/ex.

[RandomMess]

So what do you think I should do KingROllo?

Leave my partner to do ALL the donkey work with 3 dc???

I am looking for ideas of what I can offer to do to help. At the moment I do the big weekly clean (as well as contributing to doing the day to day stuff), at the moment I do most of the activities ferrying, usually 5 days per week - I am happy to carry on doing that if it's wanted.

I certainly don't have the money to pay for someone to come and do the things I currently do. I will carry on paying for the childcare, I will pay maintenance.

It is my partner who is refusing to consider doing anything to salvage our relationship and after 3 years I've had enough, I don't want my dc thinking our relationship is all they should aspire to.