So what do I do now? Horrible situation just got worse

[Helppleasaadise]

Name changed as I'm worried it won't go down well with alot of people. Please be kind.

What do I do? Bad situation with ds father generally.
Then I found out something which has really knocked me for six.
I don't know how to react.

Background is that h left when ds was 1, but had checked out long before. It was an abusive relationship.

He has never done maintenance or anything useful or fatherly.
Ds adores him. Is starting to get hurt by his crapness. I have no male friends and so ds has no male role models in his life so I've let a bad situation carry on too long for that reason. Better a dad than no dad right? Except I'm not sure anymore.

He does visit average once every week and a half, but just turns up in tje evening. I cant tell ds when hes coming as hes let us down too often.

I don't trust him to take care of ds (based on some stuff that happened when ds was a baby), so he hangs around making a mess and playing with ds (3). I have to keep an ear out at all times as he plays rough and fun turns to tears without him noticing, and even worse, he often just drops into a deep zombie style sleep leaving ds alone and unsupervised.

H also has form for stealing from me.

He bought ds a kids tablet for Christmas which he decided wasn't the best one so took it back to exchange it, and never brought another present again.

He's been getting worse and often disappears for weeks, turning up in the middle of the night to sleep on the sofa and he's often so tired he can't talk and just mubbles incoherently, and he smells, like a homeless person smell.

A child should not be seeing this. It hurts me to see it too.
So obviously, it's shit, and it can't stay like this.

Then THIS happens. He confesses he is indeed homeless, gambling, can't get anything together blah blah blah.

But it's all because he's been accused of a (serious) crime. This has been going on for months apparently. This is his reason for being so shit (theres always a reason though). The CPS have decided not to prosecute.

It's not a 'good' crime. Its not a forgivable crime. But its not being prosecuted. I don't know what to do or what to think. I don't know if he did it or not. I'd say not, except I don't know this person that he is. I don't want to think about it. He tried to tell me about it and I shut him up. Don't want to know. well, can't cope with knowing anything.

Ds is away so hasn't seem his daddy. I can't have this man near my child can I? I brought ds into a world where this man is his father. I feel so ashamed. So guilty. So angry too.

So any idea what I do now?

[LiberalLibertine]

Cut contact, I'm sorry but even without this serious crime, he sounds like he's on drugs or drink.

He's a crap father and that's not better than no father imo.

Please don't feel guilty, this is all him not you, your ds will be ok.

[RonaldMcDonald]

Have you posted previously that you believed your h to be a narcissist? ( same poster?)

[olympicvibes]

You are responsible for the safety of your son, what the hell are you doing letting him turn up in the middle of the night to sleep in your house? He was abusive. It is over. He no longer has priveledges to do that. He can have supervised contact outside your home can't he?

Is the crime he has been accused of a violent crime? Whether he did something or not there are awhole load of other things going on that show he can't be around your son right now. Play fights turn rough. He falls asleep-drugs/alcohol use-he is unreliable and tuns up in middle of the night. Please don't allow this to happen anymore, it's your home, your rules.

You know the answers to your questions-look into getting some professional support for yourself and your situation so you don't feel alone and can keep yourselves safe. I hope others have better practical advice for you.

[Helppleasaadise]

Umm, I don't think so, I don't post about him very much here. It was a long time ago that we split and I've only had him anywhere near us because I thought it was better for ds to know his father.

I know that society/ laws/ etc believe in a child's right to see his father even though that man in most peoples view should be nowhere near that child, so I've really tried to make an effort and try and mitigate / clear up any negative impact after.

Then his behaviour just slipped down that slippery slope until it's this. I feel in shock. I've been helping this man see my perfect innocent precious child.

[shockednc]

Cut contact. No father around is a drop in the bucket to a dangerous criminal being around your child.

Don't feel guilty or ashamed, you're a lovely mother who cares for her son, having a shit sperm donor doesn't change you or your son, would you trade him for anything? Forget the man. Raise your son into a wonderful person who is far more than this bloke he is genetically linked to.

[Helppleasaadise]

Btw he has keys. Landlord refused to let me change keys after h left. I certainly didn't let him into my house.

I need to change locks anyway and present landlord with a done deal - maybe say the lock broke or something?

[LiberalLibertine]

Oh ffs. Do that first thing.

I don't know what he's done, but I would not feel safe knowing he could just come in in the middle of the night!

Yes, tell the landlord someone kicked the door and it bust the lock.

[Helppleasaadise]

Obviously he can't see him.

I'm just wondering how to go about that.

Whilst reeling in shock.

[Helppleasaadise]

:) it's a 'naice' area so have to think of a 'naice' excuse.

The landlord wanted to terminate my rental agreement when I told him h wasn't living there anymore, he's very much any trouble? You must leave.

A naice naice man in his naice naice world. Bleugh.

Good job you don't have to like your landlord!

[stainesmassif]

Check your rental agreement. I don't think it's up to your landlord. I'd just go ahead and change the locks anyway. You have more rights than you think.
As for your partner, cut contact, don't look back.

[shockednc]

Change the locks right away, say your keys were stolen or lost and it didn't seem safe.

[Helppleasaadise]

Yes, keys stolen / lock sticking and either way 'it doesn't seem safe'. Good plan.

Any clue what I should say to ds about why daddy's stopped coming round? Poor little thing :(

[stainesmassif]

He's not very well. That's the truth, isn't it.

[Helppleasaadise]

Yes Staines that is it. If he was a very evil man then I wouldn't feel so guilty. But h is obviously not well and he's always cling to me to have that bit of normality in his life that stopped him sliding down.

So although I shouldn't feel like this, I feel so guilty, and sad for him, and for me.

I told him today (not v nicely) that he couldn't see ds or come round again. I feel so very sad. And so so guilty.

[revealall]

Perhaps when the consequences of his behaviour become reality (ie. he can't see his son anymore) it'll prompt him to man up.

I think you've been kind to him but in truth that hasn't worked. Keep doing the same thing and you'll get the same result. Cut contact, explain why. And don't feel guilty. You've got away from a complete tool and offered contact. What more can you do?
I brought ds into a world where this man is his father. I feel so ashamed. Don't. My DS's father was one of the nicest, kindest men you could ever meet. He has chosen to never meet his son.
Live for your child, he's unique.His fathers behaviour doesn't come into it.

[Anonymai]

Don't feel guilty. You've done the best thing to protect your child.

[Helppleasaadise]

Thanks. I need to hear that.

In rl no one would understand because I split yonks ago and so what's the issue right?

But I hurt cos I feel I've given up on him completely. As a person, a human, a man I used to love. I feel like I abandoned him finally. I feel like I've chosen and rejected him. It's horrible and I hurt. I guess I'm mourning the loss of a humans life.

It's probably because ds is away too, so mental space to think about myself and h, rather than just always ds. It's easier to be strong when ds is here.

I'll be alright. I'm just having a moment

[Helppleasaadise]

I'm feeling much better now. I was mourning the life ds and me are not to have. Not even a cordial (ish) adult relationship where ds gets to have a daddy. Not even that.

Now, what to say to ds when he asks about daddy? Nothing too final but nothing too positive either...

Any ideas?

My poor baby has had too many people go away in his life :(

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

You can change the barrels of the lock btw - not just the whole lock, and as long as you give landlord keys you are within your rights.

I suggest you do this and consult a solicitor about cutting contact. I really don't believe a shit dad is better than none.

[tiredandsadmum]

What about ex's family? Can at least you maintain contact for ds with them? So when Ds is old enough and has questions he has people to ask.

[Helppleasaadise]

On relatives, he's not from the UK, and from a country where evil white women make bad wives and mothers :(


I still don't know what to tell Ds when he asks why daddy hadn't come to see him - any ideas?

[Helppleasaadise]

On locks - I had no idea you could just change the barrel - this is good news indeed!

H isn't pressing to see Ds btw, so at least am not in that situation, I don't think he ll pursue it through the courts, he's too busy being homeless and down and out.

[gillybean2]

Just tell ds that daddy is busy/ill and can't come now.
Ask him if he misses his daddy and be prepared for the answer.
What will be harder is trying to explain why daddy is outside the door and you won't let him in...

If daddy is 'fun' then of course he will want to know when he is coming again. Maybe make some 'fun' of your own so he has other things to look forward too - soft play, friend/play date, going to a cafe for a cake etc

[cestlavielife]

you can report his health issues to your or his GP - theyw ill deiiide if puruse or not. but he is not your repsonsibility
change lockss.
facilitating DS to see him does not mean you putting him up or putting up wiht him . you could meet outside in public place soft play library etc.