new to sibgle parenthood. how do i cope?

(20 Posts)
Fairy1303 Fri 07-Feb-14 19:37:46

Split up with violent DH in Dec.
I have 7mo DS

I'm finding it so hard to reconcile my dreams of two happy parents bringing him up with the reality of single parenting, share d xmases etc.

I'm so low.
I love DS so much and I know this is the right thing but I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.

colditz Fri 07-Feb-14 19:41:52

I love being a single parent. What I say, goes. Tea time is when I say it is, bedtime is whatever time I decide bedtime should be. If I don't want to have any dinner, I don't have to. I have served lasagne for breakfast before.

I always know how much money we have. The children don't remember living with dad, it's normal to them, so no tears. The one, the ONLY problem I really encounter is running out of calpol when they re too ill to take out of the house, so keep a good stash of uht milk, calpol, and at yr baby's age, bonjella and formula if you use it.

tantrumtime Fri 07-Feb-14 19:42:45

Fairy you posted some really supportive messages on my thread in relationships in October/November last year when I was getting ready to leave exp. You mentioned you were scared and low, you have done so well to leave and should be proud and kind to yourself.
My DCs are now 1 and 2 and it is hard isn't it, I'm not sure i can offer much advice but lots and lots of support, after all you were there for me when I needed hand holding.

Did you move out?

Fairy1303 Fri 07-Feb-14 19:51:19

Tantrumtime! I'm pathetically pleased to see you here! You have been a real inspiration to me.

I'm moving into my new house tomorrow. Have been staying with my mum since Dec.

Hope your new house is great.

Farrowandbawl Fri 07-Feb-14 19:52:29

It's only been 2 months...when you get into your new routine and a new stride you will wake up one morning and it will dawn on you just what a good decision you have made.

It's early days so you wont feel like that now but you will and it wont be long until you do.

After that morning, NOTHING will stop you and that in itself brings you a whole new lease of life that your DS will pick up on and you will see a change in him too for the better.

Be patient, look after yourself, let yourself grieve for the relationship you wanted but didn't get and then you will be ok.

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 07-Feb-14 19:59:54

You will be fine. I know you feel low now but you won't always. The low times will become fewer and fewer and life will get so good. DS will also get easier. My DS had just turned 1 when my ex left. He's 3 now and I absolutely love being a single parent to him. I never ever thought I would feel like that in a million years.

It is sad, and it's not ideal or what you thought would happen, but you are going to have an amazing life with your little boy, even if it's not the life you thought you were getting.

tantrumtime Fri 07-Feb-14 20:00:13

Wow wow wow, that's brilliant news! So you are right in the thick of it now then, gosh excited but nervous I remember that feeling. You are so brave smileand you and your DS will be happy and safe.
My house Is lovely, there are toys and washing everywhere but it is my sanctuary and I'm very protective of it. I pay all the bills and put the food on the table for us all and when the kids are in bed at night and we are warm and fed I can thank myself for that, not that twat who calls himself a man and a father.
Exp has DC tonight, he has them 1 night a week and I'm so exhausted its untrue, still working 2 jobs and DS up at 4am every morning but I am me again, I shout and rant at the kids and feel bad but I'm doing my very best.
Will your ex have regular contact with DS? That's the hard bit. I am bending over backwards to get him to see them, dropping them off and picking them up. I'm an idiot but guilt is eating me up a bit for leaving.

tantrumtime Tue 11-Feb-14 10:29:23

How did the move go?

CagneynotLacey Tue 11-Feb-14 19:15:22

Fairy, your post could've been mine a year ago, tho my ex wasn't violent (he excelled at being a liar, cheat & dishing out emotional abuse so hardly prince charming).

It is very very hard at the start, but 12 months on & I am feeling happier & stronger. Like you, I knew it was right to get out & I was taken aback at the grief of not having the happy family unit, even though we were an

old on to all those valid reasons for getting out & remind yourself daily that it is the right thing for your little boy. The alternative may have meant a shared Christmas but at what price? You are at the toughest stage of the journey but it DOES get easier. I promise xxx

CagneynotLacey Tue 11-Feb-14 19:17:40

Oops, writing on phone & pressing wrong buttons. Meant to say we were an unhappy & toxic family unit, far from happy. x

Fairy1303 Tue 11-Feb-14 21:35:06

Thanks all,

Move went well, house is lovely and DSs nursery is all done which is lush.

STbxh is being foul now he realises I'm not coming back - thought it was appropriate to call me a fat cunt when I collected DS on sunday which was nice!!

I'm having a bit of a low day today, panicking a bit about money etc and freaked out when I had to change a lightbulb!!! But feeling better after a bath.

Thanks for all your positive messages, keep them coming - the are so helpful when I feel a slip up coming!

tantrumtime Wed 12-Feb-14 08:39:57

Have you contacted tax credits? They do the claim on the phone but it does take a while, took 6 weeks for my claim to come through. I couldn't believe how much I was entitled to and I don't even claim housing benefit.
Don't expect anything different from your ex, ever. My ex is still causing me hassle. A few weeks ago my childminder rang in sick and i had an important meeting to go to so I rang him thinking he would love to have the kids as he was unemployed and doing fuck all with his time but no, he said he was too busy, put the phone down and turned it off. I had to have the day off and missed out on lots at work. He is so consumed on punishing me for leaving he puts it in front if his kids. I hate him for that.
You are very brave and you and your DS will be a lovely little family grin

cestlavielife Wed 12-Feb-14 15:31:54

go to gp and get refered to nhs counsellor for your six free sessions - it really helps to offload
you dont have to do this alone
some gp practices have specialsit cousnellors for newly separated - you need post trauma counselling epec if he been violent to you

Lilly82 Mon 17-Feb-14 12:57:46

Well done Fairy1303, sounds like you are doing quite well. I agree with other women on here that the guilt about the kids not growing up with their father will probably always be there, but the main things is that you are happy and children grow up in a happy environment. I separated nearly a year ago and was left on my own with 5 y.o. and 7 months old DSs. Things definitely improve with time, just please stay positive and confident and you can resolve everything else bit by bit :-)

tantrumtime Mon 24-Feb-14 11:33:15

How's it going?

Fairy1303 Tue 25-Feb-14 18:29:05

It's going well, I'm settled into my new house now, DS is sleeping much better now he's settled too.

I'm back to work next tuesday which will be great - bit of grown up time!
How are you doing?

tantrumtime Tue 25-Feb-14 20:53:54

That sounds so brilliant. My DD had never slept through the night when moved into my new house, about 3 weeks later he slept all night - it's pretty obvious he was picking up on the atmosphere at home sad
I went back to work 2days s week when DS was 7 weeks old which sounds awful but I was so desperate to be in a 'normal' environment without shouting and extreme emotion. I am a better person for it and my DS is so robust!!
How's my days are you doing? Are you looking forwards to it?

Ex has got kids tonight, I'm eating fajitas and drinking wine, I get one night a fortnight by myself and I love it smile

tantrumtime Wed 05-Mar-14 08:27:51

How was your first day back?

Fairy1303 Mon 10-Mar-14 18:05:46

Sorry, only just seen this. My first week was great actually, not too difficult getting DS to nursery, he loved it, and it was great being a grown up again.
DS has been really poorly this weekend and we've been up at the hospital, it was really awkward because Xh obv had to be there.

How are things tantrums

NoodleOodle Tue 11-Mar-14 19:45:01

It sounds like you're doing really well. When I look back on the early days, yes it was hard, but I look back on lovely memories with me and my young child, and none with the horrible ex, and for that I am really grateful, even though it was difficult at the time. Keep thinking of all the lovely one on one time you are getting with your child, and no nasty ex to taint the memories.

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