Mum, I don't want to see Dad anymore

(139 Posts)
enderwoman Fri 17-Jan-14 19:38:38

These are the words that my dd have just said.

Bit of background- I have 3 kids (12,10,7) Dd is the 10 year old. I split from their Dad a year ago. He left to be with OW and was EA.
Ds1 doesn't see ex as he knows that he was EA and is angry with him. Ds2 does not see ex as ex was a lazy dad who did not properly bond. Dd has been seeing ex weekly. Ex saw the boys on Xmas day for 45 minutes because I invited him in when he picked up dd.

Ex and I are neither friendly or acrimonious. We organise gifts for each other from the Judson each other's birthdays/Xmas but don't see each other in person sort of arrangement.

Dd has confessed that she'd rather not see him anymore. Her reasons are
1- ex lives 2 hours away which means being in a car 4 hours per weekend.
2- He's "mean" (I think she means EA) Her examples are that she feels scared to tell him what she wants (like for him to change the channel from Top Gear)
3- Contact time is boring. She doesn't exactly have an amazing time with me but she says that I "do stuff" with her which is what she wants.
4- She feels that she is intruding on ex and ow. Ex and ow have been living together a year.

What do I do? Ex loves the kids but as my 3 dc say he will never love anyone more than himself.(How did they get so smart?) She currently has 2 weekends with me followed by 1 weekend with ex (Fri night to Mon morning) and no mid week contact so it's hardly excessive.

I'm gutted that it's such a mess. Ex FIL is estranged from his 4 kids and we've created another generation who don't want to know their Dad sad

Monetbyhimself Thu 30-Jan-14 23:41:09

Onboard. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Whatever I say will sound trite. I will do everything I can to protect my kids. I'm sorry that you have suffered. No child ever should. Ever.

OnBoard Thu 30-Jan-14 22:38:25

Personally as a small very scared child i do not thank the folks that thought it was good idea i should spend weekends with my abusive violent drunk father because 'he's your father'

FUCK YOU ALL.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 21-Jan-14 18:16:44

Noregrets,

Your right a lack of qualification is not an issue that would prevent info sharing,but it's quite a hindrance when you imply you are and consistently post talking about 'helping people' as if you are an authority.

TeeBee Tue 21-Jan-14 09:34:52

I would put the ball back in their Dad's court. Can you raise the issues with him? Who the hell would want to sit in a car for 4 hours, not feel comfortable enough to be able to change the channel and feel in the way. Could he see her closer to home maybe? They could go out and have a trip together every few weeks instead maybe? If he loves his children, as you said he does, he would go out of his way to ensure their concerns are addressed. If he doesn't - well, there's the answer.

FrogStarandRoses Tue 21-Jan-14 09:32:57

I must have missed a post by the OP somewhere in the thread.

As I understand it the parents are in agreement - the OP doesn't believe it is in her DDs best interests to be forced to see her Dad, and the DDs Dad doesn't insist on seeing the DCs if they say they don't want to.

So, no need for mediation or court - the parents agree on the way forward (all be it for different reasons).

If anything, the OP is going to be less exposed to the EA from her ex, as there won't be any interaction between them.

All this talk of agendas has confused me - and OP, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread; although I think it had already gone off the rails when I posted, sorry!

Noregrets78 Tue 21-Jan-14 09:19:36

I'd agree it's a real shame the thread has been derailed. I'd say I hope the OP is still reading, but to a certain extent I hope she's not! I also think some of the 'dads' on here also have good points, but for those I don't agree with, there are far better ways to argue a case than name calling. A lack of legal qualifications doesn't mean you can't use what experience you have, to provide advice on a public internet forum.

In terms of the original thread - things are not black and white, either allowing the kids to dictate, or forcing them to go. You can listen to their views, take them on board, and use that as part of the information which helps you make up your mind what's in the best interests of the DCs.

My DD is nearly 10, that's the approach I take. She has refused to see her Dad, I've listened to her concerns, discussed them with her Dad, he refused to take them on board. DD then changed her mind and said she wanted to go, I said 'no' as her Dad hadn't addressed the issues. He's now made improvements, and I'm likely to be starting to reassure DD again. But my point is - their willingness, or not, to go, is only one of the factors. Keep in mind what's in the best interests of the child at all times. But absolutely listen to their worries.

Definitely put the ball back in his court, and put that in writing. If he's not fussed about making the effort then try to make him understand, but do not make excuses to the DCs.

lostdad Tue 21-Jan-14 09:04:59

I'm a cynical sod who expects the worst to happen, that's all. In this sort of situation I'm all for putting the ball in the father's court. That way he can't bleat that the OP has been unreasonable and he'd look like a fool if he took it further (such as court).

I've helped a few mums in this situation In each case they have proposed mediation or discussion about a way forward to their ex and in every case he's gone quiet. On each occasion the mums have said they have done their best for their kids, can't be painted as contact-denier and have stopped their ex playing the victim.

mummytime Tue 21-Jan-14 09:03:38

Lostdad - if the OPs ex is choosing not to see two of his children, I can't see the courts being very aggressive in making his Dd see him. however it doesn't seem as if he will try too hard anyway, just maybe will enjoy moaning that his evil ex keeps his kids from him. It was the OP who has been doing her best to keep him in contact with his DD.

But I'm not sure the OP is in this country anyway.

Peacesword Tue 21-Jan-14 09:01:08

I don't think it necessarily follows that court will be a worse option. It can be helpful.

Sounds like this Dad wouldn't do it anyway - he hasn't bothered for the two children he isn't seeing.

Skullfucker Tue 21-Jan-14 08:51:54

Thank god for some of the vigilant women posters on here. Some of the 'posters' have been agenda filled and down right sinister.

Very fuckng scary.

Well done ladies flowers

lostdad Tue 21-Jan-14 08:51:04

Regardless of anyone's view the simple truth is that if the OP's ex chooses to take the matter to court she will be placed in a very stressful situation. That is more damaging - financially, emotionally and from a relationship-with-the-ex point of view.

Chances are she may not even get legal aid - instead facing direct communication from an ex (or his solicitor).

My agenda? Erm, not wanting people to go through that sort of thing if it is at all avoidable. I help people who are in this very situation and it's heartbreaking. It's a messed up, painful and fruitless exercise that it's worth doing almost anything to avoid. If I have a drum to bang, that's it.

Facing this situation is not a gender issue. It's a human tragedy.

CuttedUpPear Tue 21-Jan-14 08:29:40

I also think it's a shame that the OP's thread has been hijacked by bickering from FFJ types.
She has received very little support or intelligent comment on her actual situation.
If those posters arguing about their own issues or hypothetical situations would like to start their own threads on their specialist subject, that would be far more appropriate than the bashing that has gone on here.

OP if you want to start another thread I wouldn't blame you, you could pm me if you like if you do so.
I hope you find a workable solution for your DD and yourself.

Peacesword Tue 21-Jan-14 08:18:53

I think it's a shame the thread didn't stick to helping and supporting the op as its really hard when your children are having difficulties with their Dad.

It is so hard to know what to do for the best. You don't want to send them if you know they may well be subjected to EA, you want to send them as you dont want to believe that a Dad would be cruel to their own children, and then there's you own stuff tied up in any decision you may make.

I think too what has been overlooked here is what is Dad doing about building and improving his relationship with the children he doesn't see? Doesn't sound like anything. I do think that if a child comes home saying they don't want to go then the onus is on the Dad and at times SM too to take responsibility for that and change things. Otherwise mum is being expected to work with something she has no control over. I don't just see this as mum just needs to insist they go. It's complex in these situations.

I hope the op comes back, or starts a new thread.

Noregrets78 Tue 21-Jan-14 00:16:14

Stupid phone! Will post tomorrow.

Noregrets78 Tue 21-Jan-14 00:15:20

Haven't had time to read all of this but wanted to jum

Noregrets78 Tue 21-Jan-14 00:14:27

Haven't had time to re

Monetbyhimself Mon 20-Jan-14 23:25:37

If he hasn't already started proceedings, presumably he's waiting for the outcome of the priceedings regardingbyour husbands children ?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 20-Jan-14 23:21:22

Well that would be a bit like cracking a almond with a hammer.

Is he to daft to use his own eyes and ears?

DollyHouse Mon 20-Jan-14 23:19:38

Oh, we aren't friends. I'm sure you know that. But you do have to keep ticking your boxes. smile

FrogStarandRoses Mon 20-Jan-14 23:17:04

So, if DDs dad is unhappy that DH and I have been accused of EA towards other DCs, the only way he can be reassured by professionals is to apply to court for residency?

Monetbyhimself Mon 20-Jan-14 23:16:29

Research ' Re L Hearings' with regards fact finding and DV.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 20-Jan-14 23:10:07

That's correct they will.it would be down to your ex to make the allegations and the courts to fact find about it.

Be open and honest with them and if its untrue you will be fine.

FrogStarandRoses Mon 20-Jan-14 23:06:48

monet My child isn't - her dad and I have shared care and are/were quite happy with that.
DH and I have been 'accused' of emotionally abusing DHs DCs by his exW which is the basis of a no-contact order application in front of magistrates, there is no judge. There is no current risk to DHs DCs as they aren't having any contact with him/us - but, understandably, my DDs Dad needs some reassurance that she isn't at risk.

CAFCASS are interviewing DHs DS for a wishes and feeling report soon - they won't come near me or DD, and SS won't get involved.
I feel like we've slipped through a crack in the system, that has the potential to tear our life apart.

Sorry, OP - blatant hijack blush

Monetbyhimself Mon 20-Jan-14 22:59:19

Frogstar if your child is subject to family court proceedings and allegations of abuse are made, the judge will order cafcass/childrens court officer to become involved.

FrogStarandRoses Mon 20-Jan-14 22:53:55

Thanks knight - sadly, it looks like DD and I are in our own; SS have refused to get involved "because it's subject to private court proceedings".
So, I'm facing the prospect of losing either my DD if her Dad believes the allegations, or my DH if leaving him is a condition DDs Dad places on assuring him of her safety.

From my experience, right now, it seems that an allegation of EA can be made and believed without any 'evidence' at all. That must be very depressing reading for the OP - I don't doubt your own experience OP, but it seems likely that the new legal framework regarding mediation will lead to an increase in false allegations in order to force a court hearing to take place.

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