Mum, I don't want to see Dad anymore

(139 Posts)
enderwoman Fri 17-Jan-14 19:38:38

These are the words that my dd have just said.

Bit of background- I have 3 kids (12,10,7) Dd is the 10 year old. I split from their Dad a year ago. He left to be with OW and was EA.
Ds1 doesn't see ex as he knows that he was EA and is angry with him. Ds2 does not see ex as ex was a lazy dad who did not properly bond. Dd has been seeing ex weekly. Ex saw the boys on Xmas day for 45 minutes because I invited him in when he picked up dd.

Ex and I are neither friendly or acrimonious. We organise gifts for each other from the Judson each other's birthdays/Xmas but don't see each other in person sort of arrangement.

Dd has confessed that she'd rather not see him anymore. Her reasons are
1- ex lives 2 hours away which means being in a car 4 hours per weekend.
2- He's "mean" (I think she means EA) Her examples are that she feels scared to tell him what she wants (like for him to change the channel from Top Gear)
3- Contact time is boring. She doesn't exactly have an amazing time with me but she says that I "do stuff" with her which is what she wants.
4- She feels that she is intruding on ex and ow. Ex and ow have been living together a year.

What do I do? Ex loves the kids but as my 3 dc say he will never love anyone more than himself.(How did they get so smart?) She currently has 2 weekends with me followed by 1 weekend with ex (Fri night to Mon morning) and no mid week contact so it's hardly excessive.

I'm gutted that it's such a mess. Ex FIL is estranged from his 4 kids and we've created another generation who don't want to know their Dad sad

MuttonCadet Fri 17-Jan-14 19:44:48

Why wouldn't you just make all your children see their father? Mostly kids don't get options about who they do or don't see. Yet when it comes to divorce it seems fine for a 7 year old to not "want" to see his dad.

"How did they get so smart" - listening to their mum?

enderwoman Fri 17-Jan-14 20:00:33

Ex refuses to see the kids if they don't want to come. Ds1 and ds2 have told him that they won't go.

I would like them to go to their Dad's regularly. They have never heard me criticise him. By clever I mean working out that he was narcissistic despite me minimising his behaviour.

MuttonCadet Fri 17-Jan-14 20:04:12

So you've got two boys that don't want to see their father and now your daughter feels the same.

Why would DD be any different? you already allow your sons not to visit their dad.

I hope they never tell you they don't want to go to school.....

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 20:17:56

He's emotionally abusive. Of course she doesn't have to see him. And if he doesn't give a damn about his boys, he's hardly likely to put up much if a fight to see her either.

I wouldn't force her to go, encourage her to keep in touch with him by phone or email and see how she feels in a few weeks time.

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:24:35

I think by allowing your daughter to dictate terms all your doing is making it that much harder to restart contact. Once a status qou gets established it can be very hard to change. My advice would be to continue to encourage your daughter and reinforce the positives where you can. Giving dad some insight into the problems may seems a thankless task but might be helpful.

mummytime Fri 17-Jan-14 20:53:59

I believe OP you have name changed? Or there is another MNer with a very similar tale.
If it is you I believe the others here have been harsh.
This is not just a child saying " I don't want to see Dad" and you just let them. I believe you have tried in the past, and there is more to this of course.

If you are who I think Then I am not so surprised your DD has decided she also doesn't want to see him.

learnasyougo Fri 17-Jan-14 21:08:56

goodness, I was this child, years ago. I hated going to see my dad, selfish man. as an adult I tried to start afresh with him. I had high hopes for a rebuilding relationship once I was expecting the first grandchild. nope, . he hasn't changed one bit.
I have since gone nc with him because I can't bear his company.

in the past I was made to spend time with him. hated it. in the hour leading up to pick up time both my sister and I would become really bad-tempered or tearful. it was just the stress of about to go and do something we hated.

he is very close to losing his other two daughters, too. they have more patience than I do, though my younger sis won't see him without another one off its there. hee lives abroad so we see him only once a year. always out of obligation. I'm glad we're nc now.

I hated being forced to go and it didn't make me like or trust him.

queenofthepirates Fri 17-Jan-14 21:10:31

Could DD write Dad a letter explaining how she feels? Maybe Dad needs to hear it and have the chance to make some changes before he loses all contact with the kids. I appreciate he is EA but if he has a chance, it might kick him into shape.

learnasyougo Fri 17-Jan-14 21:14:57

what I'm trying to say is, powerless who think you should just force her do not know what they are taking about. what message sites our send that her feelings are ignored for the sake of an adult's feelings? I wondered did my feelings count for nothing against his? she is alone there with an EA adult and no one who can stick up for her when he's being horrible to her.

I don't think I would have had the courage to send my dad a letter. he would have guilted me into seeing him more. it's there a neutral third party who could go along to supervised visits? I airways finds things less difficult with other people around. it also meant he behaved himself better.

Penguinttc Fri 17-Jan-14 21:24:47

I think mutton cadet is out of order! Children aged 10 and 12 have feelings and wishes! If Cafcass was involved their needs would be listened to and why shouldn't they?!? Saying that the mum has influenced them with no proof is awful.
I hope your children never go to you to tell you they don't want to go through with something, and that someone else is there for them instead that will listen to their feelings.... Jeez

I would get dd to write how she feels down, draw a picture of her at mums, and another at dads. (This can be very insightful) Perhaps speak to the school, see if anything has been said or if she reacts differently around the time she has contact. Explain how not seeing her dad will effect her whole life, and that she has to make the choice based on what she wants, not what mum or her siblings want and do.

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 21:26:54

Queen I think letters to abusive men are fraught with potential danger. Dd wrote to Ex. He used it to ridicule her.

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:35:19

It seems to me that a child of 6 taking on the burden of deciding whether to have a relationship with her father is dangerous nonsense. No one with any sensibility towards child development would think its a good idea. Suppose she has a lifetime of regret and guilt? If mum has taken the decision to stop contact then it is for her to have the courage of her convictions and go to court and argue her reasons. Displacing that responsibility onto a child is detrimental and harmful, doubly so for one so young.

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 21:45:57

The child in question is 10.

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 22:04:37

My mistake. The point remains though. If mum is of the view that contact should stop, then she should shoulder the burden of that decision.

cestlavielife Fri 17-Jan-14 22:07:30

reduce the contact - one weekend in four or five.
see if that improves things.
wriitng a letter to him is pointless.

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 22:11:25

And where has the OP said 'she' wants to stop contact ? Seriously Dark Knight, this is absolute proof that your agenda is that of an MRA.

RTFT and then your 'advice' might loosely apply.

MuttonCadet Fri 17-Jan-14 22:40:04

Yes the child in question is 10, her younger brother who has not had recent contact with his dad is 7, seems a bit young to make that kind of decision.

But yes, I am clearly out of order (with an exclamation mark to prove the point)

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 22:56:10

hey Monet unfortunately your abbreviations went over my head...not sure the point your making but good for you for making it.

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 22:58:49

The mask is starting to slip Dark Knight. You could always apologise to the OP for saying that she is stopping contact ? Or you could try and deflect away from your agenda with a dismissive piece of PA bull ?

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 23:07:20

not sure where your going with this monet...your going to have to dumb it down a bit...'mask starting to slip' sounds a little dramatic?

You said the child doesnt need to see her dad. I replied underneath that a child shouldnt be burdened with that sort of decision.

Now...excuse me, v busy, evil machinations to work on...

Monetbyhimself Fri 17-Jan-14 23:18:32

And your apology to the OP ?

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 23:39:52

Monet - the OP has serious concerns and doesn't deserve to have them sidetracked any further with our banter so lets agree to direct our comments solely on supporting her.

Elderwoman - you know my view, whatever you go with, good luck.

comingintomyown Sat 18-Jan-14 07:26:00

Very difficult

My DD at a similar age began to say she didn't want to go to XH but I knew from DS that he was making tons of effort to give her a nice time and it was more about her finding her life with me more convenient plus he was stricter with her which of course didn't go down well. Once I felt confident that she wasn't being badly treated in any way I stuck to my guns that her Dad wanted to see and spend time with her and she needed to go. We only live 5 minute sin the car apart though and she could still see her friends .

She was is hard work and I treasured and frankly needed that fortnightly break and knew if she stopped going their relationship would grind to a halt.

In the end she stopped the mid week visit and now at almost 15 runs her social life from his house when she goes on his weekends so never complains and I still get the break that I very much need from her and her teenage dramas. So even though I did feel mean and questioned myself during the times she didn't want to go I am glad I stuck to it and she and her Dad get on fine now.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 19-Jan-14 01:19:04

Has she given a reason?

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