Father lives 350 miles away and wants joint custody

(29 Posts)
linnysully Sun 05-Jan-14 13:13:52

Hi everyone I am new to this so will try not to bore you all, but really need some advice. My daughter has just split from her verbally abusive partner and they are struggling to arrange suitable contact arrangements for their 9 month old daughter. Not to go into too fine a detail, but their relationship has never been a good one. When she was pregnant he said he wanted a DNA test to prove his fatherhood, he has been consistently jealous and paranoid when she comes to visit us with the baby, accusing her of sleeping around etc, in short he is a vile bully. Of course I understand that his relationship with my daughter has no bearing on his relationship with his daughter, but as he had never looked after the baby for longer than two hours alone since she was born, my daughter was reluctant to allow him to have her to stay with him overnight. He bullied her into allowing him to collect the baby and as soon as he got her home (which is a 4 hour car journey) he texted my daughter to say he would not be handing her back over unless she gave him a date for another visit (during time he told my daughter he felt like 'ending her' 'mowing her down' etc. We advised her to go to the police, but she didn't want to make matters worse so she didn't). Because of all this she is reluctant to let the baby go away with him again. She has told him that she is going to put together an agreement whereby he can have the baby for a week out of every month - he has said he will accept nothing less than 50% access - we are extremely worried about him taking the baby and then refusing to give her back. She can't afford to go to court - and really that would be the last option - but I wonder if anyone has any advice as to what she should do.
Thank you in advance

DarkKnight123 Mon 06-Jan-14 21:53:30

I thought Id put on my tin hat and come back for another go...smile

The narrative that's been put forward is that the ex is without merit; as a person or a father. Him being upset by the separation from his child is unimportant. What he can offer his son by way of parenting, negligible. He is a threat and the only issue to resolve are stratergies to keep him at bay.

Any advice that blindly accepts that is going to be well received because it reinforces what someone already believes. But, that belief, although sincerely held, is going to be clouded and one sided. It's not always going to be 'helpful' to gee them along to take the most oppositional course available. Likewise, its not necessarily unsupportive to help someone understand other viewpoints or suggest the benefits of defusing conflict where you can.

Monetbyhimself Mon 06-Jan-14 22:16:27

Yeah you've already said all that Darkknight. He's an abusive git but just do what he says cos he's the daddy.

girliefriend Mon 06-Jan-14 22:24:48

I would not be handing a baby to this man, is he on the birth certificate?

If he is serious about wanting contact I would leave it to him to organise going to court and seeing what a court feels would be in the best interest of the baby.

Personally if it were me I would allow limited supervised access only.

lostdad Tue 07-Jan-14 13:35:10

LionessofthePride `Just my opinion but I would love, at the very least, a bit more subtlety from men posting on, what is essentially, a women's forum. Not that they're not welcome or that I'm sexist but... Come on! It's called Mumsnet FFS.'

You best get them to remove the tagline `By parents for parents'...although your point of view is entirely valid if you don't consider dads as such. wink

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