Is it ever ok for husband to have ur passwords?

(22 Posts)
Canary77 Fri 27-Dec-13 11:09:12

I'm going through a very emotional time. My Husband and I just don't get on. We argue constantly. He does not live with me and I look after our 2 children on my own. He sees them when he pleases. (Which isn't very often)
Anyway I went to collect my children from him. He asked for my phone went through every app and texts, then he asked for my Facebook password. I said no but I will put the password in and you can view I have nothing to hide. His family think I want a divorce because I've met someone. When the fact is that he cheats lies had a baby with someone else and is just nasty. After refusing to give in he accused me of being a slag and that I'm a cheating on him. That's Why I want a divorce. feel trapped and violated. It's my privacy. He would go mad if I went through his phone. I'm so confused.

colditz Fri 27-Dec-13 11:11:05

No, and no, and no. He doesn't live with you and you want a divorce, he has no reason to ever put his hand on one your your belongings again.

colditz Fri 27-Dec-13 11:11:31

And it doesn't matter what he thinks of you, because he's not in charge.

MrsSteptoe Fri 27-Dec-13 11:13:51

Whenever he confuses you, imagine that your friend is telling you this story about "her" DH. Ideally, write a letter that is from your friend, explaining what her DH is doing to her. Then think what you'd write back as advice to her. It sometimes frees you up to give yourself good advice.

MrsSteptoe Fri 27-Dec-13 11:14:48

Just to be clear - when I say write a letter, I mean to yourself, not to your DH! Then shred it - no good can come of leaving it lying around...

Canary77 Fri 27-Dec-13 11:31:34

I personally think it's wrong for anyone to go through another persons belongings.
But I have now told him I want a divorce and not to contact me unless it's regarding the children. Which I know in time he will try and use to get back at me. I will of course deal with any issues at the time.

Is it ever ok to go through your spouses FB or phone if your together?. Coz I don't think that it is. Trust is very important.

Have well an truly started to see thinks differently. I'm so angry at myself for letting him treat me this way. What a waste if 2 decades.

Canary77 Fri 27-Dec-13 11:37:15

Love the letter idea!
I wrote another post a couple of days ago and just reading it back the responses has helped me.
I have being putting him above me and that's not very good. No wonder he hates it when I argue back he's not used to it.
Just wanted to be married and look after my family. Fairy tales and culturural ideas of marriages are to blame. Feel so ashamed of failing in my marriage. The guilt is too much.

Well, DH and I know all each other's passwords and have open access to everything. BUT, the big difference is that our relationship is happy, respectful and trusting. We don't actively go through each others emails etc.

If our relationship broke down and he wanted access to my accounts, especially in order to look for incriminating evidence, as yours seems to be doing, no way would I allow him.

Tell him to piss off and stop invading your privacy.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing Fri 27-Dec-13 11:44:26

In your situation then i would say hell no. Tell him to sod off.

Is it EVER ok? Well yes. If both parties are happy with it. If it's not a problem or a big deal and they really dont care.

In your situation, no way in hell would I be letting him have ANY of your passwords, nor giving him the phone or anything else! What a fucker.

In a loving trusting relationship, which you don't have, then yes, it's not necessarily a problem. I have some of my DH's passwords, or rather he tells me what they are when I ask for them for whatever reason; he doesn't have mine but if he asked I'd tell him. He also knows my MN posting name, so if he had a mind to, he could find out what I say about him and anything else on here - and my FB is usually open so he could read all that if he wanted to (he doesn't have a FB account himself).

Next time he starts that bullshit with you tell him where to go.

AnUnearthlyChild Fri 27-Dec-13 11:51:11

My dh accuses me of cheating periodically. I am not, and would never cheat and I do suspect he is projecting.

The first time he accused me I was devastated, tied myself in knots trying to prove i wasn't.

By the third or fourth time, I thought screw you. It is you with the problem. Not me. I just refuse to engage. I don't even deny it. I just repeat'i am sorry you feel that way' like a broken record.

Funnily enough. Now I don't feed it, he almost never does it.

It isn't about wether you are cheating, it's about power and control. Take that away and you can see it for the bullshit attempt at manipulation that it is.

SirChenjin Fri 27-Dec-13 11:59:07

Is it ever OK? Yes, if it's consensual eg DH has access to my bank account through online banking, so if anything were ever to happen to me he could access my current account and savings. I would stop that immediately though if I ever divorced him.

In your situation, no, absolutely no - there is no way you need to share anything with him. To quote MN, tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there to fuck off again.

carrotcakeandwine Fri 27-Dec-13 12:04:03

I only have some of H's passwords (we are separated) and that is because he forgets them regularly and refuses to write them down. I'd prefer not to have them at all.

He doesn't have my passwords. Not because I have anything to hide (and even if I did, we are separated so who cares?) but because it's not his business.

I didn't give him my passwords when we were together though. Again, I have a right to privacy, not because I have done anything wrong. If he was concerned about something, I would expect him to speak to me like an adult, not like a parent talking to a naughty child.

cantheyseeme Fri 27-Dec-13 12:11:41

Me and dp have joint access to banking (seperate accounts) he knows other passwords as do i his. I dont see a problem, its for practicality. In general its not a problem should i say but when there are trust issues then it becomes a problem.

Canary77 Fri 27-Dec-13 12:53:06

I would to have a relationship like that. Where I can totally be myself and not care what if he saw what me and my friends laugh or joke about.

Suppose I was asking for your opinion because I don't feel myself around him. I feel everything I say or do will be wrong. I'm not even an active poster on FB but was the last thing that was mine.

Power and control I think someone said.
He now wants to have the kids 50/50 when they have always lived with me. While he has filtered in and out if our lives for the last 3 years.

gamerchick Fri 27-Dec-13 12:57:35

Not under those circumstances no. Mine knows Al of mine I think and visa versa.

Most of awful men do the threats re the kids as it is one thing that makes mothers anxious but it never lasts as time goes by. Play the long game and tell him to knob off anything concerning you. Keep it kid orientated only.

Canary77 Fri 27-Dec-13 13:10:44

I've told him not to contact me at all as am so angry and hurt. Will get a phone for the kids and open an account that if he wishes he can put money in ( not that I need it) or he can buy them what he wants when he sees them.

Never been so serious about something in my life. He thinks I will not survive without and will beg him back. I have had a year without living with him, so he's in fact made it easier.

Here's to a new start! Here's to 2014 ��

TimesReality Fri 27-Dec-13 14:21:59

My DH knows all my passwords as I do his although our circumstances aren't like yours. I don't blame you not giving your password to him especially if you aren't allowed his.

DH is free to go through my phone and look at my texts if he wants. But he doesn't as he trusts me as I do him. I certainly wouldn't hand him my phone if he demanded it so he could look.

From your post it sounds like he doesn't trust you and is a nasty piece of work.

You mention him cheating. I'd be wary of that alone especially if he won't give you his passwords in return.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Fri 27-Dec-13 14:48:09

OMG, definitely not. He sounds like a cheating scum bag who is trying to blame you for the breakdown in your marriage.
I would make it clear to your ils that it is because he has fathered a child with another and cheated that you are divorcing and that you have remained faithful throughout.
I know a lot of people wouldn't care what others thought, but I couldn't let it lie.
Tell him and ils not to judge you by his standards.
So sorry it has turned out like this, 20 years is a long time to be with somebody.
You will be fine and sound so strong, if confused. I'm sure the confusion will go and you will start to feel better once you no longer have anything to do with him.
Good luck to you. x

Bluecarrot Fri 27-Dec-13 14:50:58

My DP knows my passwords but its a v different situation! You don't have to give him your phone at all, and if you feel threatened then you need to get in touch with somewhere like women's aid for advice.

Canary77 Fri 27-Dec-13 17:43:53

I think it's because We were so young when we met, both 16. Didn't imagine to be in this mess at 36.
I let him bully me!
Feeling really positive right now.
Think he's a bit worried coz I've not really asserted myself before.

MrsSteptoe Sat 28-Dec-13 10:17:45

Here's to new beginnings, Canary77!

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