i need some advice about my new relationship and my daughter

(86 Posts)
lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 14:33:32

can any one give me some advice about my new relationship. do you think it was too early for my boyfriend to meet my daughter only after a month. my daughter loves him. and her dad did the same. so im confused her dad cant say nothing as he did the same. but i would like someones views on it. no negative comments please

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 10-Dec-13 17:57:28

I knew my now dp as a friend months and months before we got togwthwr. My ds met him in that capacitymany times before we began evwn thinking about a relationship. But I still didnt show any signs of us being "together" until maybe 3 months in. That for me was waaaaay too soon as it was. But a few things happened that meant it was the right time.

I think its a very individual decision, but you have to be sure!! 4 weeks is no time at all!

Not teying to preach as I cant really say much but honestly speaking feom similar experience its so unfair to gwt a child attached to a new partner after a matter of weeks. Luckily dp and I are firmly togetjer and he hasa fab relationship with ds ( not a father role as his dad is very much on the scene) but it could have been adifferwnt story and ds would have been devestated to loose dp!

WhatEverZen Tue 10-Dec-13 18:12:17

Your dd loves him...after such a short time? Please listen to what youre saying. Are you encouraging your dd to think this way

Children do form attachments quickly but this shouldnt be forced or rushed. Your dd could end up being hurt here

KingRollo Tue 10-Dec-13 18:12:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:20:27

Yeah ok thats my mistake w.e we all make mistakes.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:20:47

Not like I can change it now!

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:23:46

Im not rushing my dd into anything.
She keeps talking about him!.
Asking where he is.
What he is doing ect...

wannaBe Tue 10-Dec-13 18:25:43

the reality is that you don't know whether it's too soon until you know whether or not the relationship will last iyswim. So you could introduce her after four weeks and you could spend the rest of your lives together, in which case the point at which you introduced them is irrelevant really. but the thing is that you won't know that until you either stay together or don't, so you need to think about the likelihood of a relationship being serious after just four weeks, which tbh you don't know, so it's best to wait until you are certain of your position within that relationship iyswim.

My ds was introduced to my now dp after six weeks through the instigation of my xh. For me it was far too soon - I had no intentions of introducing them for several months, but xh told me that ds had a right to know I was seeing someone and that if I didn't tell him, he would so I had no choice. But at that stage we were still early into a relationship and if it hadn't worked and ds had become attached I would have been the one left to pick up the pieces.

The thing is that the deed is done now and your dd has met your bf. so what you now need to do is exercise some damage limitation until you know whether this relationship is likely to last. so perhaps don't encourage excessive contact, make it more about your friendship than anything else, she's four, she doesn't need to know that he's your boyfriend for instance.

Only time will give you the answer on this one really, but if you take things slowly then you can limit the upset to your dd if things don't work out long-term.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:28:37

Well she likes him then. And he thinks the world of her aswel.
And he dont play the father role at all he wouldn't come ever as he knows. I wouldn't let that happen.
I was in this situation before with my dds dad. Didn't think it was gonna work. This was before dd was born. And its was when she was born it started to fall apart. ive told him I wouldn't want him to just disappear out of her life if it was to worse was to happen. He said that won't happen.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:32:01

We are taking things slowly. And my dd doesnt know we are together I dont show affection infront of her and he understands that. In my dds eyes we are just friends that care for each other.

Casmama Tue 10-Dec-13 18:32:37

He can't possibly promise this one month in!

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:34:44

We spoke about it a couple of times.

Casmama Tue 10-Dec-13 18:35:05

What do you want from this thread OP?

You can't turn back time, they have met. I would limit he time they spend together and get to know him Better yourself before increasing the time they spend together.

Also don't expect them to love each other

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:37:21

They don't spend that much time together.
And im always getting to know him .
Ive been talking to him for about a year or so.

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:37:50

It's up to you!

I got judged on here by a lot of MNers for knowing someone for a year, then letting him meet my LO and it's been 4 months.

Just do what's right for you.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:38:45

Thanks.

Rosencrantz Tue 10-Dec-13 18:40:20

I don't understand. If your daughter has met him, and like him - you have already introduced the boyfriend and your daughter.

It doesn't matter if she knows what your official relationship status is... She's met a man who mummy likes and is attached.

Damage is already done.

OP... I think most people ask this question before the DD meets the man at all, not before he is introduced as 'mummy's boyfriend.' Your priorities seem in the wrong order if you ask me.

WhatEverZen Tue 10-Dec-13 18:43:43

You've had some good advice on here about how to deal with things given that your dd and bf have met.. I hope you're able to work things out. . Good luck OP

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:43:49

Yeah ok w.e judgement again.
I know alot of people that do more damage than this to their kids.
That bring a new man in every week.
So what do you think the damage is there?.
Its my mistake and tbh I will learn from it if I think this is not going to work.

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:45:20

Lilworthy

Just don't worry about it. You care for your LO and you love her.

Most people will tell you that you don't care about your LO and that your only wanting a man and your priorities are wrong but your asking to be judged by a bunch of woman that wouldn't know you if you wore a name tag.

If they've met once then just carry on with your normal life, maybe arrange a play date type thing at a local soft play where she can meet new kids as well as interact with your partners DC

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:45:37

Yeah but most people of here think my bf and my dd spend alot of time together but they don't and she likes him

sutekidane Tue 10-Dec-13 18:46:33

Even if she doesn't know you are a couple, she still loves him. She's attached already. How long after she "met" him did he begin playing with her? How can they not spend much time together but she loves him? It's all a bit drip drip contradictory really.

Rosencrantz Tue 10-Dec-13 18:47:09

'The damage' is a term meaning the effects. The effects you are concerned about have already happened, is what I'm saying. Whether those effects will be positive or negative in the long run, no one knows.

Also OP, you cannot ever justify your choices by saying other people do worse. A murderer that kills one person isn't good in comparison to a serial killer. They both are bad.

Why did you ask what people thought if you didn't want to hear honest opinions? Which is all any of these posts are btw - opinions - they don't matter whatsoever in the grand scheme of how you parent your children.

lilworthy Tue 10-Dec-13 18:47:13

Thanks. And that it what we are sorting out.

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:50:25

If they've only met once, it's nothing major.

Just tell her he's out, working, busy etc. People learn by their mistakes it doesn't make you a bad mother so don't worry.

As long as your not acting all lovely in front of her like you said you haven't then you're just friends..

I personally will see a friend once a week for a couple of weeks then they have to work for a while so i don't see them again. My LO doesn't forget him at all, isn't emotionally scared etc.

Don't worry

CheckedPjs Tue 10-Dec-13 18:51:32

Opinions - they don't matter whatsoever in the grand scheme of how you parent your children.

This!

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