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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

when to tell possible new man am a mum?

42 replies

RitaFajita · 08/12/2013 15:30

A guy at work and I have been emailing a little. He has made it clear to a mutual friend he is interested in me.

He works in a different department alongside mutual friend. I don't know the mutual friend that well so she probably doesn't know I'm a mum.

We've only exchanged a few emails so far last week. When he asks what I've done this weekend, is it too soon to mention my child?

Obviously I wouldn't go for long without telling him. I'm a proud mum and love talking about my DD! Nor would it be fair on him, if this came to anything he would need to know she comes first.

This may come to nothing anyway and its so nice having this little bit of excitement and attention, just as Rita not mum if you see what I mean.

Is it OK do you think to enjoy the flirtation for a little while to see what happens first before I mention my DD?

Hope this doesn't sound awful!!

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Monetbyhimself · 08/12/2013 15:50

Dowsn't sound awful at all. I'd make it clear from the start. Some people have fixed ideas about dating prod with or without kids and it's only fair that he's aware from the beginning. Hope it all goes well

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 08/12/2013 21:49

I say enjoy the flirtation and see what happens first. If you make it to an actual date, or coffee or sometime when it would come up naturally in conversation, then ok. I would step quickly away from texting and emailing, meet with him & then tell him. I don't think he needs to know by email or text as he will wonder of what relevance it is. Too much room for misunderstanding that way. Good luck!!!

FudgefaceMcZ · 08/12/2013 21:58

I would tell people straight off, otherwise they can have unrealistic expectations that you'll be available to go out after work or things like that, also it helps weed out anyone who can't cope with dating someone with kids. The only times I've not mentioned it I've ended up wasting time with idiots who then got all 'oh no I can't cope with the idea of you having past relationships' (ffs we were both in 30s). I think normal men can cope with the idea that women do have children sometimes!

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:06

I would mention it at the very start.

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 08/12/2013 22:10

If she puts it in the email, it's a bit offputting, like a 'warning' no?

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 08/12/2013 22:11

I mean we're talking about a man here... Lol

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 08/12/2013 22:14

And then if she puts it in the email, he might feel that he has to be all interested and you don't want to spend your first dates talking about your DD, no matter how much you love her!

MajesticWhine · 08/12/2013 22:17

I think mention it, if he asks what you did at the weekend then it is in context and it would be perhaps be dishonest to not mention it.

RitaFajita · 08/12/2013 22:20

Thanks all, he's already asked me out but I've said I'd like to get to know him a bit by email for now!

Am really nervous about the idea of going on a date (its been a long time!) So was hoping to put that off for a bit longer!

Agree best all round to tell him soon, ideally in person.

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SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:21

Just mention them , casually, in passing.

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 09/12/2013 10:32

I think 'getting to know someone by email' isn't very effective! ;-)

Sidge · 09/12/2013 11:18

I'd also move on from emailing to meeting for coffee!

There's a limit to how much you can get to know someone via email/text.

Regarding the child thing, I put it out there fairly early on but in context - something like "oh it would be lovely to meet in person - would a daytime coffee date work for you as then I don't need to arrange a babysitter".

RitaFajita · 09/12/2013 17:28

God you're both right. I'm being a wimp aren't I? Hiding behind email. Need to woman up. First dates are my idea of hell but I know they are meant to be enjoyable!

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LetZygonsbeZygons · 09/12/2013 17:34

what Fudgeface said.

children come first.

RitaFajita · 09/12/2013 17:36

Yes they do, and if someone saw her as baggage, he could swivel.

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LetZygonsbeZygons · 09/12/2013 18:24

well done OP for saying that !

hate that word 'baggage'. baggage is what you check in at the airport, not a child!hate it when people say that about theirt own and others children. and when/if a potentioal OH sayd it, well, bye bye and bogoff.

children are a blessing. hope your friend is accepting of your child OP.

farrowandbawlbauls · 10/12/2013 08:18

I tell them straight away ina round about sort of way.

If they ask me out I always ask if we can do it the week after as I need to get a sitter, then leave it, if they don't bother asking again - then I've saved myself a load of hassle.

If they do ask, It's just a quick call to a mate who is happy to sit for me.

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 10/12/2013 13:11

Don't think of it as a first date. Just think of it as a laid back coffee, drink or lunch or whatever with a friend

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 10/12/2013 13:11

MOST importantly! Let us know what happens! :-)

purplebaubles · 10/12/2013 13:12

Right at the start. Or else it's like you're hiding it.

Good luck!

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 10/12/2013 17:37

I don't agree with the posters here saying its like you're hiding it if you don't say it straight away. We're not talking about fucking aids here!!!! (Sorry gets me riled up this anti-LP shit)

RitaFajita · 10/12/2013 20:56

Also isn't there something to be said for not telling someone too soon incase they are weirdos specifically looking for someone with a kid?

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ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 10/12/2013 21:23

I think you are getting a bit carried away there.

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 10/12/2013 21:24

Yes there is, but I'd say that's more to do with internet dating. There are weirdos out there who target women with kids, that's not paranoia, sadly. However if this guy doesn't know you have DCs, and has already made it clear he's attracted to you, and you know him through a mutual friend, I'd say that risk is extremely low indeed.

Obviously you need to have your antennae out with any people who have contact with your DCs, but this is not the same at all as people you meet through internet dating, who could be anyone and might be fishing around for mums.

RitaFajita · 10/12/2013 21:29

Not worried at all about him being like that, I meant in general. Buy I've gone off topic.

He's back tomorrow has been off last couple of days so am hoping for an email at some point

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