H saying he will only have dd's one at a time

(29 Posts)
ladypanbanisha Tue 26-Nov-13 13:19:18

Can he do this ?

We agreed one night in the week for him to have dd's ( 9 and 12) . They squabble a lot and he has always struggled with both of them. He wants one at a time for one night in the week and both together every other Saturday for the night . He says he could not cope with both every other whole weekend.

He says he will get quality time with each. We have been split a couple of months and he has not had them for the night yet. He thinks as I am female I should not have the right to make decisions. He has not paid any maintenance yet.

I have a solicitors appointment in a couple of weeks but wanted to know if theis one at a time thing was reasonable ? It means I don't get a proper break very often but he says I chose to leave so that is my problem.

starlight1234 Tue 26-Nov-13 14:10:16

I think you need to think about this from the childrens point of view..My ex doesn't see DS so I never get a break..

If you ex can't cope with both siblings together it is not going to fun for anyone ..It also gives you chance to have quality time with the children on their own..

I would look at maybe working towards having both together...

I don't think the what about you argument will win any favours with Ex...

Re maintenece...Look on CSa calculator...THe solicitor told me to go straight to CSA...Is he not paying ti becaue he is refusing?

humphryscorner Tue 26-Nov-13 14:16:20

Tell him piss off!
You have to deal with them both at the same time, day in day out! What planet is he living on! They are both his children they come as a package! Speak to your solicitor about it.
How selfish is he! How unfair on your dc!
angry

humphryscorner Tue 26-Nov-13 14:19:34

This isn't about his quality time with the kids this is about controlling your free time with out them.

TheRobberBride Tue 26-Nov-13 14:41:24

What kind of father can't cope with his own children? I'd have a tiny bit of sympathy if they were high maintenance babies/toddler but they are 9 and 12! Presumably they can wash and dress themselves and play on their own?

I wouldn't allow the arrangement he is proposing- he sees them together or not at all. I can't imagine it would do the sibling relationship much good to only see their dad separately.

NickysMam Tue 26-Nov-13 14:58:01

humphryscorner if that's the case, then how pathetic can he be.

humphryscorner Tue 26-Nov-13 15:01:52

Ooh it gives me the bloody rage! How dare he split the kids up. Just awful.

ladypanbanisha Tue 26-Nov-13 15:05:43

I think he is trying to limit my free time so I don't go out and have a social life . I work full time so was going to work a long day on the day he had them.
I am seeing a solicitor in a couple of weeks but don't want to run up a lot of costs.he has not paid any maintenance as he wants to 'see how much he can afford after Xmas' after he has had a months worth of bills in his new place. I told him it does not work like that but he does not listen.

Oh and he was a nasty drunk so we left for a valid reason.

KatAndKit Tue 26-Nov-13 15:10:44

Just go straight to csa. He will have to give you 20% of his take home pay minus a small deduction for having once a week overnights. He wont be able to see how much he can afford, he will have to pay you what he should. You don't need to wait to see a solicitor in order to do this.

Misfitless Tue 26-Nov-13 15:19:10

It's weird in MHO.
Do they have a good relationship with their father? Do you have a reliable trustworthy baby sitter, op? You should make time for yourself every couple of weeks if possible, regardless of the contact arrangements you have in place with your ex.
I wouldn't agree to it, wouldn't it be more fun for your DCs if they were together?
It's unfair, I think, and selfish of him. He's clearly just wanting to do whatever is easiest for him.

Monetbyhimself Tue 26-Nov-13 16:15:21

Not an option. He either wants to be a father or he doesn't. He doesn't get to chose which bits of parenting he wants to do. What next ? He decides that he likes one of them mire than the other ?

ladypanbanisha Tue 26-Nov-13 16:16:54

That's what I said. He is proposing to pick one up from a relative who picks them up from school and leave the other one there for me to pick up ! It it not on.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 26-Nov-13 16:22:39

In your shoes, I would worry about what message this gives your girls. So they squabble... They need to learn to get on together like all siblings do, and IMHO it's not healthy for them to be separated this way - entirely leaving aside the issue that you are entitled to a break anyway.

optimusic Tue 26-Nov-13 16:35:06

It might actually be a good thing.

He is proposing having the girls alone one night a week. This gives them quality time alone with each parent, plus some space from each other.

Then every other Saturday he will have them both, so op gets a break from both of them.

My ex often decides on a whim that the boys need time apart so he'll 'do his bit' by having them one at a time.

It's a cop out OP. He's opting out of parenting fully, he is an arse.

mercibucket Tue 26-Nov-13 16:55:21

i would welcome an evening of quality time with one child so perhaps it depends how you 'spin' this.
can't cope = cop out
quality time = nice idea maybe?

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Tue 26-Nov-13 18:30:04

Well given that the OP says he's doing this as a cop out/to limit her own free time, I'm in the 'it's a shit idea' camp. Oh to have the luxury of choice in when/how you parent.hmm

I think the less you look 'bovvered' the better.

I'd go down the 'yes it's such a shame you can't cope with them together, I didn't expect you'd get any better at it'.

Look less annoyed and hire a babysitter when you want to go out - don't rely on him, he's a fucking arse.

Yes do CSa.

mercibucket Tue 26-Nov-13 19:12:22

well I was thinking more how to spin it to the kids tbh as its not great to feel their dad doesnt want them
quality time with mum otoh . . .

DollyTwat Tue 26-Nov-13 19:20:39

My fuckwit ex asked for this too, for the same reasons. We tried it and what actually happened is it created a rivalry that wasn't there before. He'd treat one to something nice but not the other. They'd compare their times and start being competitive. They'd also start saying life was better with the other one not around

He was able to manipulate them separately and they didn't have the other one to turn to for support when he was abusive

I stuck to my guns having seen the consequences and told him he had to have them both.

We've just been to court again where he asked for the contact order to be cancelled.

It's all controlling stuff and will go on for years if you're not careful

ladypanbanisha Tue 26-Nov-13 19:32:49

I can't afford a legal battle. The girls do have different interests so it would be easier to have one at a time but I don't want any rivalry.
To be fair to him he may be a twat but he does treat the girls the same and as they are so different there is little direct rivalry more squabbles about who sits where etc.

I am in two minds. I really could do with the regular child free time but I know they would enjoy one yo one time with both of us. We have friends they can sleep over with a couple of times a month so I guess I could get a decent break if planned well.

Thanks for the replies it is interesting to see the different opinions.

DollyTwat Tue 26-Nov-13 19:36:40

Worth giving it a go to see, I couldn't have predicted what happened, but I think my ex wanted to create problems with my dc

Bumply Tue 26-Nov-13 19:36:52

My ex tried suggesting this once.
I told him where to get off.
Ds1 and 2 were younger than yours at the time, and I was adamant that splitting them up was a bad idea.
They're 11 and 14 now and one if the 'blue moon' trips to their dad did only involve one child as the other had made plans. He's only seen ds1 3 times this year and ds2 2 times and rings up late on a Friday night saying do they fancy coming for the weekend.

legoplayingmumsunite Tue 26-Nov-13 19:39:15

If he is a nasty drunk is there any chance they will see this when he is caring for them? That would be my main worry. And if they were alone with him that could be worse than if they were together.

ladypanbanisha Tue 26-Nov-13 20:27:55

He has promised not to drink at all when he has them. If the was any hint that he drank around them I would fight very hard for supervised access only. He is a binge drinker one night a week or fortnight and did not drink around them when we were together, he just reserved that and his drunk abuse for me.

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