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Current family want to bitch about exW(5 Posts)
Hi, I'm gonna post before work so wont be able to check back for a bit but hoping for a few tips. Basically, since splitting in March me and my ex have been through the expected ups and downs - a few fallings out etc, but generally we are at a good place atm, fairly amicable, DD lives with me 3 or 4 days a week and things are as good as could be expected without being bosom buddies.
The only problem is, obviously my family like a good moan about her occasionally, so do I now and again when I need to get something off of my chest - I'm sure this is exactly the same on her side, it just happens after a split.
However, recently I moved in with a family member for a few months whilst I sort out my finances and look for a new place for myself and DD to live. Nobody says a word against my ex whilst DD is around, as it should be, but this person I live with has taken to wanting to complain about exW on a nightly basis. I don't mind people having there opinions bit I just find it unconstructive when I'm trying to just move on with my life and not dwell on the past. Things came to a head a bit last night when I was asked if I'd ever 'get back with her' which is really a question I don't want asking, and today when I've got back from work I've been greeted by the sentence 'I think I've annoyed your ex wife' over a little disagreement on facebook.
Now I don't know if I'm being oversensitive, but I don't want to waste energy just constantly being made to think about my ex when DD isn't here, and I also don't want any family members making it awkward between us by having arguments with her and then telling me like they've earned brownie points. It's hard enough maintaining a positive relationship without other people causing little dramas along the way. At the sane time, I don't want to be accused of taking sides against an otherwise incredibly supportive family member who took me in when in trouble.
So, do I just keep smiling and nodding, so to speak, or is there a sensitive way to say that I really don't care anymore what exW is up to and could we please drop the subject? Thanks in advance for any tips.
Sorry, 'current family' makes it sound like i have a few who I flit between. Not the case - typing without thinking!!
Can you not just say, in a really tired voice "you know, all this negativity is really getting me down, I'd like to start building the future and leave all this in the past?"
There does get to a point where raking it all up on a regular basis is detrimental. You have to let go, and therefore they should too. Good luck.
(If it helps, I wouldn't have pissed on my xh1 if he was on fire a few years ago. Last year I spent NYE with him and his partner. Things change, but it takes time and a great deal of letting the past go.)
I think in part its their way of trying to support you. equally you have probably been through the different stages emotionally before your family as you knew more about what was happening etc. I know that's the case for me. I feel I did a lot of my bitterness a few months before my family, before they knew all ins and outs. so could it be that too?
I think too family are almost 'grieving' what they have lost too ie son/daughter in laws, brother/sister in laws, aunts/uncles as it isn't just something that happens to the couple if u know what I mean?
as last post says I'd just say really dont want to be all around the bitterness. that you find it brings u down.
Thanks for the replies. I guess I've been working on the logic that surely would have been the last to move on, but hadn't thought that may not be the case. The tired voice statement sounds like a good idea - my only worry is the family member in question can be rather sensitive. In the past when I've had a difference of opinion over parenting for example - recently when I said I'd rather not have DD wearing 'play' heels (she's 2) I was described as giving a 'telling off', not merely having a different opinion.
Either way, life's too short to keep being surrounded by negativity, so I'll definitely take your advice on board and hopefully do something about it
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