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The need to understand

(9 Posts)
Jcole85 Thu 21-Nov-13 08:30:57

Hello all,

I need some advice/thoughts on my situation as I am finding it difficult to find a way forward.

I recently moved to Bristol from London last year November, to further my career. I have a relatively decent job but am in no ways comfortable. Around Feb/March 2013, I met a girl where we went on a couple of dates, but I wouldn’t say we were dating or serious about each other. Would therefore I would class the relationship was casual.

Fast forward to June 13 and after sleeping together roughly 3 times between March 13 and June 13 she got pregnant and I am the father! (we used a condom which failed apparently).
After finding, I decided to talk to her about what she wanted to do. Long story short she wanted to keep the baby and despite my objection, given the circumstance and implications for both of us (Length of time we had known each other, she didn’t have a job, I couldn’t afford a child and I could be transferred with by my company at any time) she still wanted to keep the baby.

I just do not understand when someone has no job, will be on benefits and doesn’t know the father very well, they would decide to still go ahead with so much uncertainty.

I have paid for most of the expensive things associated with the baby and I am committed to being a good father, however I just don’t think I could do it with her as a couple because of the length of time we had known each other and after knowing her more, how different we are, it is not something I want.
I made my feeling clear initially that we should only be having a child together if we truly love each other and can provide the best we can for the baby. Despite this, I don’t feel she really considered my point of view and all she was thinking about was the nice aspects of having a baby and did not consider the practical aspects. She made decisions unilaterally and explained that she was thinking about herself first as she was having the baby and had to do what was good for her. I obviously thought that was highly unfair, but as I had no powers in decision making, I’ve had to accept that.

Later during the pregnancy I find out that she had been buying baby stuff before we had even met which makes me highly suspicious and I find odd behaviour. I decided to do a bit more digging and a google search on her name brought up her YouTube profile in which she had been liking pregnancy videos and making comments on what she would like to call her children, posted 6 months before we had even met! Is this normal behaviour? Makes me think she wanted to get pregnant all along. To me her behaviour is not rational
I am now at a point where I just want to be friends with her and support her so the baby has a happy environment and eventually we can split the parenting. I explained to her that I now have to fully concentrate on my career to try and provide the best I can for the child in the future, which could mean moving away from Bristol to pursue better opportunities. She seems to think I am obsessed with money, however I think we just different aspirations in life.

dawdyman Thu 21-Nov-13 10:48:54

I do think, if you have casual sex with people, you do have to face up to your responsibilities... which you seem to be doing and I am not going to comment on most of this post..... just one point...

I may be naive, as I am only going on personal experience..but, how does a condom fail and you not notice.... from experience, on the very rare occasion this happened, it burst with a gaping hole... you can feel it happen.. sensations change... not to mention the apparentness of sperm..?

Monetbyhimself Thu 21-Nov-13 11:57:37

Understand what exactly ?

You need to understand that having sex can result in pregnancy.
It's time to stop analysing and start focusing on supporting the child that you both created, continue to provide financial support and build a loving relationship with that child.

queenofthepirates Thu 21-Nov-13 13:14:01

I do feel for you, this is an enormous thing in your life and perhaps it's galloping ahead without a lot of input from you. I am afraid that's nature's way for men.

It's great that you do want shared parenting but I would advise looking forward and focussing on the practical side of the job rather than this lady's history. If you dig deeply enough, you'll always uncover a bit of dirt and what good is it going to do you other than to damage your relationship with her? Work on understanding the new role you are about to undertake by talking to other dads and then develop a contact plan with the mum as you go along. She may not realise it now but it will be tough for her to go it alone and she will need your support but there are a lot of hormones involved for her and it may not be very rationale! You need to tap into infinite patience to work this through and pick your battles-her history is not one of them.

Best of luck x

sarahquilt Thu 21-Nov-13 19:08:58

I feel sorry for you. Unfortunately there are some people who may have a hidden agenda. I would say you need to take it as a lesson in your sexual relationships in the future.The failed condom thing sounds a bit odd so it might be best for everyone involved to get a paternity test when the baby is born. Sorry for being an old cynic.

rainbowfeet Fri 22-Nov-13 18:26:20

If she had planned to get pregnant. & not too bothered who the father was, she would have not cared about the financial circumstances I doubt. It is admiral that you are providing for the child as a lot of men in your position wouldn't do or would need to be forced to by the CSA including my DS's dad!!!! hmm

Ours too was a short casual relationship where contraception failed (although had he been that against children he should have worn a condom too)! I was on benefits at that time after being made redundant so to answer your question as to why she would want a baby in these circumstances .... I simply could not have terminated at that time... I'm not anti-abortion but I knew it would have haunted me for the rest of my life. When you have an accidental pregnancy those are the options of the mother & the mother only I'm afraid, & as I told DS's dad.. It is unfortunate for him but that's biology I'm afraid & just like tens if thousands of men before him there is nothing he can do about it.
He has never so much as acknowledged ds now 20 months & we have not spoken since I was. 8 months pregnant .... He is missing out on a wonderful little boy!

Jcole85 Fri 22-Nov-13 21:42:02

Thank you all for your comments, which still don’t make me understand why she would want to go ahead with the situation, but I understand I have to look forward to the future now.

It just was upsetting when the biggest decision that will affect your life is made for you. The fact that she isn’t making much contact with me and it being all reactive make me think she got what she wanted out if this which is a baby.

One question I had was from experience when would be a reasonable time to ask for joint custody ie I get to have the baby a certain number of nights in a week. I understand it will be difficult when the baby is first born but looking for a guide. Thanks

rainbowfeet Fri 22-Nov-13 21:50:25

From what you say about her buying baby stuff before she was ever pregnant & the you tube stuff ... I would be inclined to say she probably isn't bothered about you having a lot of contact with the baby ... Looks to me like she's got what she wanted & unfortunately for you it happened to be your sperm that did the trick!!! hmm

Does sound to me like this baby was planned by her & once she has what she wants you will have a real fight on your hands for contact & input.

nefelibata Sat 23-Nov-13 09:03:46

I don't think there is any point in obsessing about how and why you are here. You had sex, there is now a baby. This is what happens a lot of the time. I do think if you are struggling with feelings of anger and resentment it would be worth considering counselling for yourself, at the end of the day you cannot control or change anyone elses behaviour only your own.

As for why would she go ahead, well, I think men have an understandably limited understanding of what abortion is. I'm not going to moralise here but I know that in her shoes, I would also have kept the baby. I just couldn't do it. Not everyone feels that way but I don't think that she's wrong for keeping the baby. FWIW my DS2 is here after the morning after pill failed. I wouldn't wish him away for anything, he is the best thing ever. Later options weren't options.

If you want to understand more it's worth going for abortion counselling and hearing what she would have been through - a friend of mine was desperate for his gf to have a termination until he went with her to the appointment where they explained the process, at that point he was horrified and they are now parents.

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