What do I do?

(17 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Tue 12-Nov-13 19:15:27

Quick background ExH left me for OW who was mum to another DC in DD's class. Other DC then pinch and punched my DD over about 3 month period, but it was eventually after I told ExH he had to man up it stopped. ExH and OW continually treat the DC differently and will tell them important things at different times leading to I know something you don't know type behaviour.
I have expressed concern about them remaining in the same school (though they are now in different classes) and am actively pursuing this despite ExH and OW being vehemently against this and criticising my decision to anyone who will listen. They believe the girls are 'best friends'.
So tonight I have had an email from school saying could I go into school as my DD has been 'unkind' to the other DC and is involving other children - lets face it, it is consistent and targeted so it is bullying isn't it. I am of course going to go into school and see them and will work with school to stop this.
Previously experience tells me that under OW's influence ExH will believe that's hers and his behaviour having nothing to do with this and that it is all my fault. I have never criticised them to DD and I have not in anyway alluded to DD that their relationship existed before we split.
What I think may have precipitated this behaviour is that I now struggle to attend school events as sometimes OW is there with ExH and sometimes she is there with her H who knows everything! I find the hypocrisy of the situation so upsetting and I also suffer anxiety attacks about it. I am a very private person and find that the whole playground is speculating about my life really distressing. Even school have described the situation as intolerable and they support me removing DD as they feel some distance would help. I have tried for 18 months to attend events hold my head up high and maintain my dignity, but I can't do that any longer.
I have worked so hard outside of school to build a new life and I don't suffer in any other situations ( I run my own business employing 17 people).
I am upset DD has done this, but do believe she is capable of it as I think she is just so mixed up. She has counselling at school, so that is being done.
Could I have avoided this should I have done anything different. What would you do now?

betterthanever Tue 12-Nov-13 19:40:29

Has your EXH been asked to go into school too?
I really feel for you, it must be very difficult and upsetting every time you go to school.
How old is DD?

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 12-Nov-13 19:57:01

The e-mail is just to me, he hasn't attended a parents meeting since he left, he doesn't engage with school beyond collecting and attending 'Disney' events.
DD will be 10 in January.

TensionSquealsGhoulsHeels Tue 12-Nov-13 20:57:56

I think I would want to move my DD in that situation too. Does your DD want to move? Has she talked to you about how she's been feeling? I'd see what the school have to say and take it from there if I were you.

betterthanever Tue 12-Nov-13 21:01:29

I think it is unfair that you have to deal with this alone TBH, it puts you in a very difficult position. I would ask the school why they have only asked you and say that it would have to be something you made a joint descion about. You never know if it causes him trouble he may suggests he moves. At least it isn't long until she will move to a high school, that may solve some of this. Poor you and DD flowers

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 12-Nov-13 22:03:13

Does DD want to move? Well yes and no. She is currently at a mildly selective school and she is very bright which brings its own problems. She can move into year 6 of a super selective and stay there till 18 - current school say entrance exam no problem. Many of her friends will stay at current school till 18, but that was never my plan even before of this happened. She is being dripped by ExH and OW what a bad decision this and what a terrible school the other one is, the awful choice I have made has just received an excellent in all areas of particular note pastoral care ISIS report and has been in the top 20 schools in the UK every year for last 10 years. This would never be the right school for the other DC as they are very different - OW was one of my closet friends prior to the affair as is so often the case.
What is really upsetting is that in the past she has been someone who has stop up and spoken out about this kind of behaviour. She doesn't tell me how she feels, but I think she is trying to protect me. It just makes me so sad that she feels that the only way to have some control in her life is to bully someone else.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 12-Nov-13 22:19:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

betterthanever Tue 12-Nov-13 22:27:53

I agree it will be try and gain more control over her own life. My Ds has intervention from the state going on and has taken to tellling lies as his way of trying to do the same thing. It breaks your heart.
I still think it is unfair you and just you have to go in and discuss this. I am sure the school will nto make an major issue of it but they will want it resolved and I don't think it should all fall to you.

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 12-Nov-13 23:22:38

It just makes me feel that all the effort I have out into making things good for DD has been futile.sad

betterthanever Wed 13-Nov-13 13:31:45

I know that feeling lone I try to turn it round. YOU HAVE done all you can into making things good for DD - you can't do any more than that. flowers try not to let their actions distract you from your life and what you do with DD - which some of the time may be impossible but try as much as you can.
When are you speaking to the school?
When speaking to DD I would maybe explain to her that when someone is mean to you it does make you want to be mean back to them but that makes you as mean as them. You know how hard that is and can empathise with her - all she can do is the same as you and that is be the best she can be. If it were not this incident she would at some point have to learn this life lesson. We know as adults it is hard to do sometimes.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 13-Nov-13 20:33:22

Sorry I have started to reply several times this afternoon, but work has taken over.
Prior to going to school ExH phoned to say he had spoken to school and it was all fixed.
So it is really badsad. It start with verbal nastiness in the playground and then yesterday she posted a photo on Instagram, with a derogatory comment. School as you can guess are taking this very seriously my meeting was with the head and deputy head of the Junior School. As yet she has not admitted that she has one this, but we have moved from it wasn't me to it might have been me, but I can't remember.
We had a long chat we all feel unhappiness at the route of this and there has been bullying me too I get screamed at, hit and kicked. This they feel is because I am the constant in her life and she can throw all her feelings at me without any risk.
So ExH phoned again tonight and I have enlighten him to fact that it is most certainly not all fixed. That school feel unhappiness at the root of the problem, ExH then said oh well she is always so happy with him so he doesn't think that. So I took an enormous deep breath and told him that DD had voiced to me that she felt that he preferred OW and her DC to DD. That based on that comment I would guess that she is scared that if she expressed her unhappiness to him he might choose not to see her again. ExH said 'well that's not true' I pointed out that it may not be true, but it is how the 9 year feels. He asked me what he should do and I said if I was him I would set aside a considerable amount of time to spend exclusively with DD ( when he moved out the first time DD stayed with him OW and her DC was there too).
The only good thing is that school absolutely agree that DD and the DC should not stay in the same school. They will do everything they can to facilitate a move.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 13-Nov-13 20:53:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 13-Nov-13 20:57:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 13-Nov-13 21:00:14

As I mentioned in my first post she has a counselling slot at school, but she has to choose to go. So it is avaliable to her.
Again as I mentioned earlier her move will be to a selective school that will see her through to 18 and would not be a school that wound suit the other DC.
Yes Instagraming could be considered sophisticated, but maybe not in a school that issues iPads to every child from year 1 onwards. These are unbelievably computer literate children. However, her Instagram has been switched off.

betterthanever Wed 13-Nov-13 21:00:31

You handled it really well OP. I hope your EXH has had a bit of realisation. DC do throw thier emotions at people they feel safe with.

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 14-Nov-13 19:20:26

Okay so DD is with me tonight and this is a more tangled web than it first appeared.
Before I deleted Instagram from the iPad I looked at the post. Now DD was very wrong to make this post she has accepted it was wrong and she shouldn't have done it. However, the post was made 20 weeks ago. So why has it all been dragged up this week.
Thoughts running through my head is someone trying to cause trouble between DD and the other DC? Is someone trying to upset the other DC? Is someone trying to stir up trouble for DD who was wrong, but why so long after the event?
DD was wrong and she needs to make amends for it. But I think the school need to look a little deeper as to why it was dredged up so long after the initial event and what motivated the dredging up.

betterthanever Thu 14-Nov-13 21:25:09

If they are doing it to stir up trouble they would be achieving thier goal if you keep it going. Try and nip it in the bud and just sort it will DD, tell the school you have and move on.

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