Tired of doing all the legwork

[chitofftheshovel]

I have two kids (6 and 8) and have been separated from their father for over four years. Just recently I have realised that I am doing all the leg work for them to see him and I'm getting just slightly pissed off with it.

He does not work, drives but could not afford to keep his car on the road, lives in a bedsit with shared toilet, still spends money on marijuana and rum but pays me no maintenance.

I work, varied hours but basically as many as I can get, 12 hours yesterday and I'm currently on day 8 of 10 days in a row. But I have to take the hours when they are available.

I had asked him to have the kids yesterday so that I could work but he was unable to get them from school (School is 6 miles from him and me - I specifically chose a school which was equidistant between us to facilitate him being an active part of their schooling life, which he isn't).

Last weekend I had to work, the kids were with their father anyway, but I had to lend him my car (with a tank of petrol - returned with 3/4 a tank) so that my daughter could do a tap exam. I also had to give him money for exam fee's etc (£25)

Just feeling like I am running myself ragged whilst he sits on his arse, smoking weed and getting all the fun times with the children.

Up until now he has had them every other weekend, with me dropping them off on a Saturday after a club my daughter attends. I have told him that I am going to stop the dropping off, of course they are available to him if he can find a way of picking them up.

Now feeling like a bitch. Not sure if IABU and just need to suck it up, accept that I'm the one who has to do the running around in order for the children to have a relationship with their father. Or if I should stick to my guns. Thoughts?

[Avondale]

I can understand your frustration. Have you got any GPs nearby who could help out with drop offs etc? Has he got any friends you can contact to drive him?

[chitofftheshovel]

I have no family here and none of his family drive. He has one set of friends who do help him out with collecting etc when they can. He has pretty much cut himself off from all our mutual friends (they have bent over backwards to stay neutral and have also bent over backwards to try and remain friends with him, inviting him and kids to things which he always turns down.)

[Avondale]

That's a really hard one and I do feel for you. Do the kids enjoy their time with him and want to see him? I think you might have to suck it up for a bit longer though so you don't put yourself in the position where you could be accused (unfairly) of 'not letting them see Dad'
I realise that is not very helpful, sorry.

[starlight1234]

I would do the tap thing if it was my child .....

It is a difficult one..In one sense you need him for childcare otherwise I would be telling him he needs to start sorting it out himself.

Is it possible you can not work weekends if he didn't collect them..

If you went to CSA he would have to pay £5 a week..My ex pays this though he doesn't see them...I do think they should pay this and allowing him to pay nothing lets him take no responsibility

[chitofftheshovel]

Thanks for the replies. Avon: he doesn't 'do' much with the children as far as I can tell (obviously the children may forget/not tell me stuff they do) and the children usually come home having watched vast amounts of television. They do want to go there but also complain that they are bored and shouted at a lot. I think you are right though, I need to suck it up and continue delivering them to him, otherwise they will blame me. As they get older they will see the unbalance and unfairness for themselves (I never slag him off to them).

Starlight: I have asked him for maintenance at that level but he has said that he can't afford it. I am reluctant to go to the CSA as I really don't like them but may have to go for it. I have allowed him to take no responsibility for too long. I only rarely work weekends so don't often need him for childcare.

I know it's only getting to me at the moment because I am so tired but it is also something I need to sort out.

[chitofftheshovel]

As an aside to all that eldest was at a friends house tonight, mum asked innocuously if they had gone treat or treating. Eldest replied no, they were at their dad's, and then went on to give detail of how they spend their days there. Pretty much like, dad lies in half the day, gets up and switches the tv onto what he wants to watch. And then eventually changes the channel to what the children want to watch whilst he reads a book. And then it's something to eat and then bed. So that is their day there. (interesting to me that he has told another respected adult this) Friend was kind of shocked to hear an 8 year old say it so concisely and we all (her hubbo too) agreed that he is lazy but not an abusive relationship so also agreed that I should just continue the legwork and that one day the children (although seems to be already happening) will notice it.