What to do?

[Prforone]

I'll try to keep this brief and to the point!

DD was promised some time ago by ExH's girlfriend that she could have a pamper party for her forthcoming 9th birthday (as her friend does them for a living). DD was very excited at the prospect as she has been to lots of her friends' parties this year and was looking forward to celebrating her birthday with them in return.

Fast forward to yesterday and ExH has told DD that she can only invite 4 friends as the pamper party can only be for a maximum of 6 girls and his girlfriend's DD MUST be one of them. Wouldn't be an issue if a) our DD actually got on with the girlfriend's DD, or b) girlfriend's DD is only 4 years old ( which, IMO, isn't a suitable age to attend a pamper party with a group of 9-10 year olds.

DD now doesn't want the party as she's having trouble whittling her guest list down to just four of her friends without upsetting anyone, let alone not really wanting to sacrifice a friend's place for a 4 year old she doesn't really connect with. She now wants to go back to my original plan of a disco party at a local community centre so more of her friends can come - this was something I'd suggested to her long before the ExH's girlfriend offered the pamper party instead.

What do I do? DD is scared of telling her dad that she doesn't want the party now in fear of upsetting him/his girlfriend or making them angry. But she also deserves to have a party she'll enjoy - not one that's been organised to help ExH's girlfriend's friend with her business, nor one that HAS to include someone she doesn't really deem suitable to be there,

If I say anything directly to ExH about it, I know I'll be seen to be the jealous ExW who doesn't want his girlfriend organising our DD's party (seriously not jealous at all - she's very welcome to him!).

Help!

[troublegirl]

can't she invite 4 friends to pamper party at her dads and then have other friends to a disco party with you? 2 parties on different nights

[YesterdayI]

I actually think a pamper party might be more fun with less kids. Are you sure she can't choose four friends? Can you talk her into it. Then you could do something for her to.

[Prforone]

Sorry, should have mentioned, she is very good friends with five girls, so annoyingly this wouldn't be a problem if she was allowed five guests!

[MiniMonty]

Get the number of the person who is actually doing the pamper party and (without causing waves) explain. Ask if your DD can bring five mates plus the ExH's girlfriend's DD. Seems like it shouldn't really be a problem - especially for someone who does this for a living - she must get requests like this all the time...
I would kind of worry about the actual experience of a pamper party being run by the mother of a four year old and her friend though. Who might get most of the attention I wonder?

I'd just gloss over the hassle and controversy and do the disco.
Do the best and most fun thing for DD and take the flak later.

I'd avoid doing both parties though as experience with my DD at the exact same age is that politics is everything in friendship groups. Slights and slurs cut very deep if all are invited to one thing but only some to another to celebrate the same event.

Recently DD went to a party at a classmates house on Saturday afternoon only to discover at school on Monday that four girls had stayed on for a cinema trip and a sleepover. She (and most of the girls in the class) were heartbroken and felt rejected - but the backlash is that they now don't talk to the girl who had the party who of course now feels heartbroken and rejected...

In fact, that gives you a way around the whole problem - just tell ExH that the 'norm' is that the whole class (or all the girls - or whatever you like) are always invited and that DD can't be different. The disco is on and the girlfriend (and her four year old) are very welcome.

Case solved.

[Tuckshop]

I'd just explain about the group of five and ask if she'd mind one extra.

It's a lovely thing she's offered to do and I can see why she'd want her own dd there. It's one of those times when blended family memories start to build. And it would be throwing a kind gesture back in her face if you turned it down.

If you want to organise a disco party too then go ahead. I organise the dd's parties completely independently of anything xh does.

[DurhamDurham]

Let the pamper party go ahead, she will be able to pick 4 friends, she just doesn't want to. Then you can have your disco party on another evening. When my two girls were growing up they often had 2 parties to accommodate different friends and family. I also don't think it's unreasonable of the new girlfriend to want her child there, she has been kind enough to arrange something lovely for your dd. I would not pander to your dd in this situation, just making things difficult for the future.

Hope your dd has a lovely birthday!