When did your DCs start staying overnight with the ex?

(38 Posts)
KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 19:49:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlight1234 Sat 26-Oct-13 22:11:21

AS you are not in the uk....You may find things different in another country...

My son was breast fed until 2 ..He never took to bottles expressed milk but would suggest you work on trying to get her to drink water..about 15 different cups it took me to get him to drink water... not for contact but for the fact when you do want to reduce ..If you become ill and unable to breast feed she needs something to drink...

Yes I do believe the courts will take into account she is breast fed should it reach that point ... However as he isn't asking don't worry about it...

As for GP's ..You can say no...Tell them she will just disturb their sleep but would love the chance for her to get to know you during the day...They may turn out to be a godsend to you in times of crisis

betterthanever Sat 26-Oct-13 22:01:11

FWIW I think the current familiy laws are a terrible way to treat children but they are what they are currently and all those who agree should try and change them. The more pressure on the better. But that is an aside.

As they stand, grandparents do have rights too (and quite right in some cases) and whilst they have to apply for `leave of court' or permission to apply for contact they do normally get it. As legal aid has been removed from family law except where there is DV they are less likley to do this I would think as it is expensive.

If you ex were to have contact and just keep handing over to grand parents you can actually apply for first refusl if it was court ordered i.e. if he could not have DC on his contact time then you had first refusal to care for DD.

It is very unfair OP that you have to to consider and worry about all this when you have a new baby and need to concentrate of learning to be a mum yourself as it isn't easy first time round or second.and that your ex and his parents are expecting you to care for baby most of the time and you have been built by nature to produce the milk.

How much support did you have when you were pregnant? I wish they considered all that when handing out contact orders.

Which is why at the moment I would agree to what you can without being bullied. Have a good pattern of contact but keep a log of anything neglectful or abusive and have as much in writting as you can. Is he on the birth certificate?

TessCackle Sat 26-Oct-13 21:48:14

Hve you considered starting
Proceedings with CSA? I assume ExH works?

TessCackle Sat 26-Oct-13 21:47:46

Don't even get me started. My ex thinks myself and DP are living off the maintenance he pays for dd. £50 a week is apparently funding some lavish lifestyle not going towards nursery fees and the 6pints of milk she goes through every 3 days. As well as this I should be buying her only designer clothes... She's not even three yet hmmhmm

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 21:20:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TessCackle Sat 26-Oct-13 21:12:52

King it's so bloody hard isn't it!! I'm still providing everything bar meals for my DD to go to her dads for less than a measly 24 hours a week and he earns just shy of 3k a month. Shared custody is definitely something he wouldn't cope with hmm twats.

LalaDipsey Sat 26-Oct-13 21:07:50

KingRollo - I think your ex and mine are related! Def tell GP to wait - my dd at age 4, who adores my parents, doesn't want to stay o/n with them at the moment. She did for a week when then twins were born and I was in hospital with them but hasn't wanted to since. I certainly couldn't comprehend letting a 10mo go o/n with a disinterested drinker!

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:57:12

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iwantanafternoonnap Sat 26-Oct-13 20:56:21

My DS stayed overnight from 5 months old when I had to return to work and it doesn't phase him at all. It's great as it means he will happily stay else where and knows that I will always be coming back for him.

he's very happy, secure and loving as well as being an utter shite at times so therefore perfectly normal. In fact the reason why he played up in the past is because he wasn't seeing his dad and now he's got used to that he's fine.

Your child will be fine even if you won't and from someone who's ex doesn't want to even bother with his son please don't prevent contact.

littlegem12 Sat 26-Oct-13 20:48:33

I'm not having a go OP but I think it may be hard for a man to feel involved enough to try taking responsibility when a baby is breast fed to sleep, I know if I were the man I would wonder what the point is of me getting up in the night or trying to put the baby to bed when I can't provide what the baby needs anyway.
Not many men have baby experience before they have their own so maybe hes experience will start when he can give her what she needs.
Deffo not saying stop breast feeding now, but dont mentally write him off as a dad till hes had hes opportunity, I know many men feel helpless at this stage.

LalaDipsey Sat 26-Oct-13 20:40:20

Completely agree with you Bluebeard

LalaDipsey Sat 26-Oct-13 20:39:44

Kingrollo - have u had any legal advice yet? The best thing someone said to me was that custody/access only became an issue when you didn't agree. So, for example, my exH comes once a week for about 3 hours and sees the children whilst I am there too. This only becomes a problem if he legally seeks for it to be more than I want. So if he asks to take them out for a couple of hours and I say yes that's fine. If I say no and he wants to go down a legal route he can, but the courts only get involved when you disagree.
I thought he would want to spend more time with them than that, but at his own choice he stays for always around 3 hrs, and despite dd often asking him to take her out to the park on his own he often says no to that (& I would be fine with that and have tries to encourage him to do that).
Hang in there, you know him, trust yourself and don't let ANYONE spoil this fabulous snuggly first year of your child's life x

bluebeardsbabe Sat 26-Oct-13 20:35:29

Wow I am amazed the laws would enforce overnights at such a young age. I come from a country that is often cited in the news as having excellent welfare, childrens right etc etc and I just checked the guidelines here and changing betweens parents homes is not reccomended until at least 3 years old as the child has no concept of time before that and does not understand that the parent they feel safest with is coming back. This is obviously in cases where one parent has been less involved but I think o/n for a bf baby could be quite traumatic crouches and waits for onslaught of abuse smile

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:34:13

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grumpydwarf Sat 26-Oct-13 20:32:34

My ds stayed with his dad from 11 months (split at 9 months) but he wasn't breastfed. Again similar to u exh is not really that interested and now has him once a month for two nights always at gps house. I missed him and had doubts about his abilities (still do!) but I know hat even thou I detest his parents they won't let my son come to harm and whilst he's happy going I won't stop him having a relationship unless I feel he's in danger.

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:32:04

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LalaDipsey Sat 26-Oct-13 20:30:53

I think your gut instinct comes first, I understand people saying the father has rights too but when they didn't get up in the night, or bath and help with bedtime when they lived with you how can you trust them? Personally, I wouldn't let dd (4) or DTs (22 mths) stay o/n, not that he's asked but he got up to the twins zero times when he lived with them, zero times bathed and put them to bed and dd just a handful. He drinks too much and doesn't hear them wake in the night. DTD is still bf and I am keeping on with that for several reasons - mainly that I and her enjoy it but I also know that should he, for any reason, suddenly want more access it helps to restrict it.
He was useless with dc when he lived with us, plus on one drunken occasion shook DTS and on another threw something which hit DTD and cut her lip and bruised her head so I think I'm justified in not wanting him to have them.
I hope this helps in some small way and hasn't just been a rant on my part! Good luck x

middleeasternpromise Sat 26-Oct-13 20:26:25

Yep if he goes to Court he likely will get overnights and if he decides to put her in the care of his parents that will be his choice in 'his' contact time (which given what you say about his care skills might not be a bad thing) I would advise you to read up on this issue and be quite business like with Paternal GPs as if it does go to mediation/Court you may have to back down and you wont like handing her over to someone you are at war with. Having said all that lone parenting is no joke so the more people you have in your team to help the better - children need more than just their mums to grow up rounded people and mums need backup when they have every other sodding thing to manage - dont get too narrow minded on this would be my advice.

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:26:15

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KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:24:08

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alwaysneedaholiday Sat 26-Oct-13 20:24:00

PS i'm sorry about your situation and hope you are coping well.

alwaysneedaholiday Sat 26-Oct-13 20:23:14

I think you need to be realistic about this.

My friend split with her baby's father when baby was 3 months old. He was granted 50% custody from then onwards (she was not BF)....in spite of his mental health problems and recreational drug use.

I think this was a shocking decision, but if you are prepared to be flexible early on, it may most go as far as that.

Does he want shared custody?

TessCackle Sat 26-Oct-13 20:22:56

Just tell the gp's no OP, they shouldn't have assumed or be pressuring you into it happening. It's your call.

bluebeardsbabe Sat 26-Oct-13 20:22:04

gps have no rights as far as I am aware. It really is nothing to do with them but obviously nice if you keep a good relation with them for dc sake.

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:19:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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