When did your DCs start staying overnight with the ex?

(38 Posts)
KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 19:49:52

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WaitMonkey Sat 26-Oct-13 19:57:24

Disclaimer, I'm not a lone parent. But please don't be pressured into stopping bf longer than you'd like so your lo can stay away. Also it's all very new at the moment, you don't have to make any decisions for a while yet. Good luck. thanks

WaitMonkey Sat 26-Oct-13 19:58:13

Oh, and you will get lots of more experienced people along soon, who can offer you real advice.

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:01:06

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TessCackle Sat 26-Oct-13 20:02:52

Why are you so uncomfortable with dd staying at ExH's? He's her father so without knowing ins and outs I don't think you're being particularly fair.

I'm not in anyway discouraging you from breast feeding, but maybe express for overnights if your ExH has shown a desire to have DD overnight.

I am a line parent btw and not judging you. I know it's awful letting them go once a week(in my case) but it's healthy for them to be having time with both parents. HTH smile

Fifibluebell Sat 26-Oct-13 20:09:29

I'm a line parent, I think 4 or 5 is being a bit precious he is her dad? It's a new situation for you and she's still fairly new to you but try and step back and think how you would feel if it were the other way round? Obviously it's horrible for you to let her go and stay away from you for any period of time but unless you have concerns for her safety why you don't want her to stay with him I think you have to be fair. Build it up so the hours he has her get longer so start at 3 hours then 5 etc building up to an over night? Definitely don't feel pressured to stop breast feeding maybe you could express when the time comes for her to stay with him!

Fifibluebell Sat 26-Oct-13 20:09:57

Lone not line

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:10:21

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KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:12:13

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bluebeardsbabe Sat 26-Oct-13 20:15:18

It really depends on your childs routines imo. My dd is a year but still breastfeeds to sleep and every morning and is not a great sleeper. I am not happy for her to sleep anywhere else because of this. She did sleep away once with a trusted friend when I was ill but apart from that never slept away from me. And exp is not a trusted friend, lol.

I think you have to factor in your relation with exp, how hands on he was when you were still together ie does he know all her bedtime routines, can she settle without you and bf etc etc. I personally don't feel a child should start to sleep away from home until at least a year but it really depends on the bond they have with the father (again imo).

It is early days for you, don't let anyone bully you into anything (and certainly not to stop breastfeeding). I would leave it until she turns one and then review it again.

Even at a year they are still very small and dependent on their mums and I have to go out on a limb here (and face the wrath of many mn's) in saying that it is not healthy for them to go between parents houses at such a young age imo. Thankfully the country I live in supports this perspective and do not recommend o/n until at least one if not 2 or 3.

TessCackle Sat 26-Oct-13 20:16:35

I have to agree that you're being a bit precious OP. In the nicest possible way of course, because I know how you feel. My dd started staying with her paternal gm at 3 or 4 months. Only once every few months but my goodness I needed the break sometimes.

I totally understand that she won't take a bottle right now. Is it just one brand/teat type? That could be solved by trial and error.

Hmmm, if your ExH is showing no interest then bollocks to him quite frankly. My ex tried to be as difficult as he could when I left him, to punish me. And also stop me meeting anyone else. I simply had enough and informed him he would be having our dd overnight once a week.

I know not everyone is as ballsy as me, but don't let him dictate to you! thanks

lostdad Sat 26-Oct-13 20:16:57

My son stayed overnight with me from the first night of his birth - his mum considered me perfectly capable to care for him from the off but that changed when she left me (presumably her wanting a divorce meant that my parenting abilities suddenly vanished). wink

betterthanever Sat 26-Oct-13 20:17:36

It's very difficult because if he took it to court he would get overnights and the sooner he does them the sooner he may hate it and never want it again your DD would get used to it and you. To start it from 4 years of age would be very difficult and confusing for DD espceially if they had a good relationship. You get a night off too hun and being on your own you need it. I would try it when you stop breastfeeding.

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:19:55

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bluebeardsbabe Sat 26-Oct-13 20:22:04

gps have no rights as far as I am aware. It really is nothing to do with them but obviously nice if you keep a good relation with them for dc sake.

TessCackle Sat 26-Oct-13 20:22:56

Just tell the gp's no OP, they shouldn't have assumed or be pressuring you into it happening. It's your call.

alwaysneedaholiday Sat 26-Oct-13 20:23:14

I think you need to be realistic about this.

My friend split with her baby's father when baby was 3 months old. He was granted 50% custody from then onwards (she was not BF)....in spite of his mental health problems and recreational drug use.

I think this was a shocking decision, but if you are prepared to be flexible early on, it may most go as far as that.

Does he want shared custody?

alwaysneedaholiday Sat 26-Oct-13 20:24:00

PS i'm sorry about your situation and hope you are coping well.

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:24:08

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KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:26:15

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middleeasternpromise Sat 26-Oct-13 20:26:25

Yep if he goes to Court he likely will get overnights and if he decides to put her in the care of his parents that will be his choice in 'his' contact time (which given what you say about his care skills might not be a bad thing) I would advise you to read up on this issue and be quite business like with Paternal GPs as if it does go to mediation/Court you may have to back down and you wont like handing her over to someone you are at war with. Having said all that lone parenting is no joke so the more people you have in your team to help the better - children need more than just their mums to grow up rounded people and mums need backup when they have every other sodding thing to manage - dont get too narrow minded on this would be my advice.

LalaDipsey Sat 26-Oct-13 20:30:53

I think your gut instinct comes first, I understand people saying the father has rights too but when they didn't get up in the night, or bath and help with bedtime when they lived with you how can you trust them? Personally, I wouldn't let dd (4) or DTs (22 mths) stay o/n, not that he's asked but he got up to the twins zero times when he lived with them, zero times bathed and put them to bed and dd just a handful. He drinks too much and doesn't hear them wake in the night. DTD is still bf and I am keeping on with that for several reasons - mainly that I and her enjoy it but I also know that should he, for any reason, suddenly want more access it helps to restrict it.
He was useless with dc when he lived with us, plus on one drunken occasion shook DTS and on another threw something which hit DTD and cut her lip and bruised her head so I think I'm justified in not wanting him to have them.
I hope this helps in some small way and hasn't just been a rant on my part! Good luck x

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:32:04

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grumpydwarf Sat 26-Oct-13 20:32:34

My ds stayed with his dad from 11 months (split at 9 months) but he wasn't breastfed. Again similar to u exh is not really that interested and now has him once a month for two nights always at gps house. I missed him and had doubts about his abilities (still do!) but I know hat even thou I detest his parents they won't let my son come to harm and whilst he's happy going I won't stop him having a relationship unless I feel he's in danger.

KingRollo Sat 26-Oct-13 20:34:13

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