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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

overnight contact

51 replies

Shockedandhurt · 17/10/2013 13:01

My ex has again started up with wanting overnight contact with our 11 month old son. Apart from various serious concerns about the suitability of his living arrangements i dont think this will benefit my son in any way.
I pick DS up from nursery at 5.30 then its a quick dinner, bath and bed. Ex does not have a car so would rely on me to drop DS off. I feel that dropping him off to go straight to bed would be unsettling. Fri into sat is the only night that would be suitable for overnight. Is it unreasonable to say no as son gets no benefit and only disruption?

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HisLommel · 17/10/2013 14:38

How do you know there's no benefit?

CinnamonSal · 17/10/2013 15:22

What benefit is there of going straight home and into a strange bed?

wannaBe · 17/10/2013 15:29

your son has a right to a relationship with his father. The benefit is that he gets to stay overnight with daddy, wake up with daddy and have breakfast with daddy (have no idea what the rest of the contact arrangements are like).

The younger you facilitate these types of arrangements, the more your ds will get used to them, because whether you llike it or not there will come a time when your ds will ve overnight contact with your ex if he chooses to go to court, and as a rule courts allow overnight contact by the time the child is two. And this child is going to have contact with you both for the rest of his life.

He is as much your ex's child as he is yours.

ProtectiveMother · 17/10/2013 15:39

WannaBe I think you should keep your judgemental opinions to yourself !!!!!!

ProtectiveMother · 17/10/2013 15:42

Shocked and hurt my advice would be to keep standing up for what you believe is in your sons best interests as YOU know him best. Lots of ppl will try to tell you various things and other people will try and shove their opinions down your throat. Remember you know best.

ProtectiveMother · 17/10/2013 15:43

Say no and keep saying no if you believe it is in your sons best interests.

HisLommel · 17/10/2013 15:44

Wannabe didn't make a judgement. Factually, the courts WILL award overnights unless it would be unsafe to do so.

wannaBe · 17/10/2013 15:49

protective it's not about judgement it's a fact.

If the ex goes to court for contact he will be granted it. A child has two parents, it's not down to just one parent to decide whether or not a child is allowed overnight contact with his father, the child has a right to a relationship with both parents and unless there is abuse involved and the child is believed to be at risk the courts will grant access which will be increased to overnight at some point, most likely by the time the child is two.

It would be better to try to come to an amicable arrangement with the father but really telling someone to just keep saying no is bad advice because just keep saying no might well end the op up in court.

Shockedandhurt · 17/10/2013 16:11

I think the law is an ass then. 'Daddy' sees baby on a regular basis i dont feel taking a small baby out of his comfortable environment adds nothing in my opinion to my child. Contact with family is not always a good thing and i dont think courts should blindly grant it through accident of birth.

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wannaBe · 17/10/2013 16:20

but it's not about your opinion op, unless there is good reason to believe that your child is at risk. Saying he shouldn't sleep in a strange bed just isn't good enough reason to withhold access - it just isn't. Because reality is that it won't stay a strange bed, it will be the bed in his daddy's house.

There was a point when you considered that this man was good enough to be the father of your child. You can't just decide that's no longer the case just because you're no longer together and you feel your child should stay with you and only you.

If you have good enough reason to suspect abuse then go to court and have access withheld legally. But otherwise you are at some point going to have to accept that your child will go to his dad's for overnights, weekends, holidays possibly every other christmas and birthdays etc - that is a consequence of being a separated family.

Don't be the one who withholds access just because you think you can, one day your child won't be a child any more, and believe me children aren't stupid, he won't thank you for it.

DismemberedDwerf · 17/10/2013 16:23

I agree with WannaBe. And it won't take long before your son has two areas of comfort; your place and his dad's. 11 months is probably a better age than many, it will soon seem like he's always done this. Less strife in the long run.

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2013 16:23

What benefit is there of going straight home and into a strange bed?

it will only be a strange bed the first time, the child needs to have contact with both parents and that includes overnight contact. It means that the baby can grow accustomed to being with their other parent at their home. It is only your dc comfortable environment as you refuse to let your baby's father home also be a comfortable environment

When are you going let your dc go and stay overnight with their other parent? 1 year old, two years old 3, 4 or 5?

my ex wouldn't have dd2 until she was 6 months over night as he felt he couldn't cope until then, but she had not trouble at all and took with her her own duvet and a few toys from her room so that some things where familiar

Shockedandhurt · 17/10/2013 16:26

I dont with hold contact very far from it. At this moment in time i dont see it being a benefit to my child. Aside from the fact that i have strong suspicions of drug use, smoking, parties and sex around my child. Unfortunately i cannot prove these things but i would have to send my child into this environment just because of some bodily fluid?? Sorry to be crude but over my dead body

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Spirulina · 17/10/2013 16:28

I agree with wannabe as well

And what does him not having a car have to do with it?

Shockedandhurt · 17/10/2013 16:31

The nursery is half an hour away and not easily accessible by public transport so i would need to drop DS off and he would get his bottle and straight to bed. Its hardly qyality time. Please dont try and nitpick for sake of argument spirulina

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Onebuddhaisnotenough · 17/10/2013 16:32

Listen to Wannabe. You do not want to go down the court route and trust me, if uou fo your Ex WILL be granted overnight contact. You can chose to go down the route of acrimony and cause untold stress for yourself and your son OR you can accept that your son has a right to a relationship with his dad and your Ex has an obligation yo prove that he is capable of cating for him safely. Nothing that you have said do far suggests anything that would be considered an issue by family courts.

HisLommel · 17/10/2013 16:35

If you have concerns, speak to a solicitor. Do it legally. It's not your ex that has rights, it's your child.

Shockedandhurt · 17/10/2013 16:35

Drugs, sex and partys around a baby would not be cause for concern within a court?? I despair then i really do.
I dont want to go to court. I have no intention of denying contact. I have even offered he stays looking after him at my house and i stay with family for the night. I dont feel any of this is unreasonable.

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ivykaty44 · 17/10/2013 16:56

so your ex can get a taxi or he can walk, Saturday morning does your ex work? Your dc can have breakfast with daddy and cuddles in bed etc - will that not be quality time or is it that you want to be finding every single reason to make it as difficult as possible so you can wear your ex down and eventually he will give up

Spirulina · 17/10/2013 16:57

I'm not 'nitpicking' but you are looking for excuses here.... And now, you are starting to also drip feed!

Spirulina · 17/10/2013 16:58

Plenty of parents manage without cars. Also, he's a parent, it doesn't HAVE to be quality time. He gets the same as any parent does, the good and bad bits of being a parent

Shockedandhurt · 17/10/2013 17:00

Yes i am drip feeding. If you even knew the half of it. Thanks all for your help. Didnt realise i had stumbled onto fathers for justice

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ivykaty44 · 17/10/2013 17:00

actually a court would hardly stop a child from seeing their other parent over night due to the other parent having sex or having a party - lots of parents living with their children have sex and have parties ( a few have drugs as well - some legal and some illegal)

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2013 17:01

no you have stumbled over people telling you what you don't want to hear and that is you are being mean to your baby....

Shockedandhurt · 17/10/2013 17:02

And if you think that taking drugs and having sex in front of a baby is 'looking for excuses' then i dont really want your advice.

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