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New to lone parenting plus Q re school(6 Posts)
Just want to introduce myself, been on my own with the girls since June when I kicked out my miserable, moody and generally inept STBXH who has since put his tail between his legs and moved out with not so much as a word on the subject. We are in the process of separating finances etc and In view of my X's attitude (apparently feels there's 'nothing to say') I have been cultivating a healthy detachment from him and ridding myself of any feelings of obligation towards him.
We have a daughter in Y6 and next week we start looking around schools. Ordinarily XH would have taken a back seat with this decision (as with pretty much all decisions regarding the dc - he could never be described as a hands on dad and sees the dc every other weekend). My dd's both have SEN which he has always taken a very 'oh well' stance with (in contrast with a lot of hard graft and advocacy and fighting put in by me) and I'm more than capable of making the right choice on my own.
I feel I can't be bothered informing him and asking him to come and view the schools with us. If he does it will be strained and affect my daughter and make an already packed schedule (I work FT) even more stressful. He would not think to ask to come and see the schools. However am mindful about being new to this single parenting lark and wonder if this is right, or whether I ought to do him the courtesy of asking if he wants to come along and see the schools. I feel it is a bit early to go along to things together because since finding out my X has 'nothing' to say about the end of 14 years of marriage I am detached.... But in a 'I would like to slash your tyres' kind of way. Any thoughts from more experienced lone parenters welcome......
I may not be the best person to advise as I'm relatively new to it myself. Xh left us 4 weeks before dd started school. I had had to do all of the legwork and applications myself, he took no interest in it. He didn't express any interest in how she was settling in (just in case there were problems that could be attributed to his leaving). I informed him when the first parent's evening was taking place which he said he would go to but didn't (he now lives 200 miles away). After the event he didn't explain why he hadn't turned up or ask what had been said. I also gave him the date for the nativity and the same thing happened. After that I didn't bother.
He attended his first and only school event in June but only because dd has been nagging him because the other children didn't believe that he existed.
He knows that he can get a newsletter every week but I don't know if he gets it or reads it. He certainly doesn't mention anything in it to dd even when she has featured in it.
I would mention what the process is for selecting a school and invite him to participate. If he doesn't bother then you have tried and then leave it up to him to discuss it. As long as you respond to any questions he has I don't think that is an unreasonable way to deal with it. I suspect he won't be that engaged with it.
You are right, he won't really be engaged with it, it's all a charade, really. Which is why I resent having to do the decent thing and inform him about the open evenings (which I kinda know I must do). It is purely about appearances which kind of sticks in my throat.
I started out trying to involve XH with all school stuff but he wasn't really interested and the DC picked up on this. We all soon got used to me doing pretty much everything. It's not ideal and it is really hard work. But at least we all knew where we stood.
Good luck on your journey along this difficult road.
Think you ought to let him know what is happening but could just mention it and see whether he asks to come along rather than inviting him. He does have a right to be involved and it might be best to keep him onside.
I am a total hypocrite though - I put my ds down for preschool without consulting ex and put off telling him because I thought he would be difficult about it. My attitude has changed since being with dp as he's helped me see the other side.
You don't have to inform him about the open evenings - he's an adult and a parent and should develop a relationship with his children's school and schooling separate from you if you are unable to co-operate on the issue. This is the stance I have taken - the school has a website, everything is one there. They send out text message reminders - he can sign up to them. I don't see it as my responsibility. Obviously, this is something of an extreme position but I got fed up of him taking the mick every time I tried to be a dutiful parent and do joint -parenting on important (and alot of the time, not so important) issues. So I stopped. You don't have to start - but I would put it in writing to him that you feel it appropriate, given the separation, that he develops his own relationship with the school.
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