I am 33 weeks preg, have a 3 yr old ds and am desperate to get out of my marriage. Without going into detail, OH has had a drinking problem for years - he's now trying (at last) to make things work, but its just made me realise there's nothing he can do now - I don't love him anymore and feel tense and stressed whenever he's around (am worried about the impact this having on DS and bump), and am waiting for the next arguement. 2 questions - how can I get him to leave? He will be angry and upset when I tell him (we've been together 16 years) and I'm 99.9% sure he'll refuse to go, especially as he is trying to be 'good' now. This will make living together even more stressful than it is now. We have a joint mortgage and he is not 'abusive'. I have nowhere I can go with DS. If I can get him to leave, can I get help with mortgage payments if I'm not on benefits? I work PT (about to start mat leave). My Mum said she may be able to lend me ££s to buy him out of the mortgage, but how do I figure out how much this will cost? REALLY need to know what my options are so I can get as far out of this as poss before the baby comes (
Poor you, what a predicament at a time when you should feel happy.
I don't know very much about the legal aspects, sorry. Can I ask how long you have felt like this? although his drinking isn't a recent thing, were you feeling like this 33 weeks ago? I ask because pregnancy hormones can do funny things and make you feel more emotional or sensitive. Would your H help you with the early days after birth? is he good with DS?
I'm sure other wiser people will have some advice.
It's been an uphill strugle since DS was 6 months - we've had lots of counselling etc (all initiated by me) and a trial separation a couple of months go (when I realised I was happier alone). 33 weeks ago, a mixture of a 'good patch' and my denial, optimism and biological urges got me into the current situation. So it's not just the hormones, it's been over for ages but it's taken me until now to really admit it. A stupid argument last week was the straw that broke the camel's back
He is good with DS in some ways (ie when DS is behaving!), crap in others. He was great at the birth last time, and in the first few weeks, but I don't feel I can keep pretending for that reason. My Mum will be able to help with some the practicalities when the baby arrives.
I feel like the split is inevitable and trying to do it when I have a newborn will be even more difficult than now.
Your mum sounds lovely do you think H realises too that really its just a long slow march to the divorce courts? how did he feel about the trial separation. Would it be possible to ask for a trial separation now and ask him to move out on the basis that seems temporary? It might give you the space to move on and actually make it easier to tell him its over when he isn't living under the same roof.
ELT, you are very perceptive - he may well realise it deep down and has actually said twice recently, during arguments after he's been drinking, that we should split, but in the morning he always takes it back. He thinks everything is fine and dandy at the moment as we;ve had a 'good' week - telling me he loves me, talking about going on holiday next year etc. But it's just shown me how far from alright it is, as even after a good week I feel shitty
He views the trial separation as just me being horrible to him (he sees himself as the victim) and making him feel worse, resulting in him being less likely to sort out his problems.
Last week I asked him to move out temporarily to give me some space - he refused and said I should go and he'll stay at home with DS. That wouldn't work - he is incapable of handling DS when things are difficult, and he works full time.