Need advice on what to do. He's taking the piss... Again.

(15 Posts)
McNameChangey Tue 17-Sep-13 10:08:19

Due to finding out about ongoing and serious welfare issues when XH has the dcs, I have stopped direct contact (under advice from NSPCC, gp, HV, SS). I really hated doing this because the dcs love their dad, but their safety has to come first. He was seeing them about once a month for a weekend when he could make time (so no regular pattern).

I've asked him to take me to court so Cafcass can assess everything, I know he is capable of bullying me into thinking he's reasonable, so I've taken the decision out of my hands IYSWIM. 2months later he still has not applied to court.

I've offered indirect contact and supervised contact in the mean time. He's ignored the supervised contact completely, but taken me up and asked to call the dcs once a week at a set time.

Four weeks in and last night no phone call. The dcs were disappointed.

He's texted this morning saying his phone ran out of batteries (so basically he forgot) and can he phone tonight. We're busy this evening, but should I be trying to rearrange? I've always been incredibly flexible but I'm tired of him taking the piss. He's always letting the dcs down. I used to never tell them when he was coming in case of a last minute "swap" request. So they'd never know, but I thought he could manage half an hour a week. Sadly not.

So, should I say "fine, call at x" or "you missed the arranged time, call next week"?

cestlavielife Tue 17-Sep-13 12:08:20

be a bit flexible - it is only a phonecall.

so yes say "we out today but you can call at xx time tomorrow."
but dont tell dc so they wont be disappointed.

lostdad Tue 17-Sep-13 12:18:59

Exactly as cestlavielife says.

McNameChangey Tue 17-Sep-13 16:18:27

I'm just so fed up of having to be his cheer squad, and reassure the dcs that he doesn't love his job more than them, that he loves them loads, and then having to deal with ds wetting the bed again and all the other consequences of the fact that they miss him and he can't put them first.

<sigh>

I'm really tired of doing the right thing.

starlight1234 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:06:24

don't change your arrangements....I also agree don't tell kids when he is going to phone they they don't feel let down..

I am guessing he hasn't bothered to apply to courts as he knows the outcome... I really wouldn't be making too much effort at this stage but would remain to be seen open to contact that is safe

McNameChangey Fri 20-Sep-13 08:03:05

Well I rearranged the time and he spoke to them. Promised he'd see them at half term if I'll let him (?!) and sent me another email saying this silly mess can all be sorted out if we could just talk face to face. In other words so he can brow beat me and gaslight me just like the good old days. I've declined and repeated that he needs to start the court process.

WithConfidence Fri 20-Sep-13 08:21:37

Stick to your guns McName. What he thinks is immaterial as he doesn't have enough judgement to keep his dc safe in his care, so who cares if he thinks you can sort it out yourselves.

If he says that to dc, say that daddy made a mistake, it's not up to you if he can see them. Some other grown ups need to decide. (Depends how old they are, what you say about court).

I guess you are keeping a diary of all this?

McNameChangey Fri 20-Sep-13 08:42:44

My diary is my new best friend. I wish I'd kept one for all the times he brought them back late (or the one time he didn't bring them back at all).

It's hard because I'm so on the side of "the children have a right to see both parents" and he's so utterly convinced he's the best parent in the world, when in fact he is selfish and neglectful and sees them as accessories that prove what a "great guy" he is. I want them to see him, but a version of him that can keep them safe. I don't care about them being muddy or getting treats, or anything like that, I just need to know they are going to come home in one piece.

Is it just me or is it that good parents are wracked by guilt and convinced they're always doing something wrong, whilst bad parents think they're the best at everything?

lostdad Fri 20-Sep-13 11:34:14

`Is it just me or is it that good parents are wracked by guilt and convinced they're always doing something wrong, whilst bad parents think they're the best at everything?'

grin

Hard innit? There's no point trying to reason with the unreasonable. At the start of the year my ex sat outside with my son in driving freezing rain in a car park for handover rather than hand him over early or even sit in my car to stop them catching their death....but a couple years earlier sent me a letter via her solicitor that he'd gone back to her from me with hypothermia.

One day I'm going to write a book. It'd have to be fiction though because no one would believe it!

McNameChangey Fri 20-Sep-13 12:12:51

Jeez, lostdad, that's insane!

Can we replace exes? You can be my ex and I'll be yours and it can all just be sensible and reasonable? grin

The book would never be published because the characters aren't "believable" enough.

lostdad Fri 20-Sep-13 12:32:22

Works for me McNameChangey! wink

My main aim is to have a quiet life with as little grief as possible. Had enough of that to last a lifetime!

McNameChangey Fri 20-Sep-13 12:53:43

Sounds perfect!

I would like no drama, secure dcs who can rely on both parents for emotional and physical support, and... Well, that'll do really.

Feel free to be early to meetings, if we're both early you can whisk the dcs away. (I think the most on time XH has ever been is 20 minutes late)

Feel free to bring the dcs home muddy and exhausted too. As long as they're happy and safe all is good. If you ever return them spotless I'll have to assume they spent their whole day tied to a chair grin

lostdad Fri 20-Sep-13 13:09:46

This would work...my ex is fine with everyone except me. She'd be as happy to swap me for someone else as I would with her. I wouldn't be offended!

I think a large scale ex exchange scheme would be good.

grin

TalkativeJim Fri 20-Sep-13 13:15:33

Tell him that next time it's a case of 'if mummy lets me' - you will also stop indirect contact.

They need not to hear that rubbish far more than they need to hear from him.

McNameChangey Fri 20-Sep-13 15:29:23

Lostdad it'd be great. I'll set up a match.com-style website where you can match up with the perfect ex for you:-

Always late? You need someone equally unpunctual!
Precious about things being clean? We'll find the anal retentive for you!

TalkativeJim, between him and his mother I have a long list of "things not to say to dcs". I know it doesn't matter what they think, but they honestly cannot see anything wrong with their behaviour. I get so much agro for trying to maintain some level of contact, they rely on me being reasonable.

I just don't see how they can't see it.

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