Talk

Flip

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Reasonable contact: I've finally got tough

6 replies

Sheila · 19/06/2006 13:29

After 6 years of allowing xp to turn up to see DS when he feels like it, and fail to turn up without explanation when he doesn't, I've finally got tough. Told him that unless I get a month's notice in advance of his visits, and proper notice if he can't make it (i.e. at least a day) he won't see ds. I haven't restricted the amount of time he can spend with ds (as often as he likes) but I just need to know in good time when it's going to be.

XP seems to think this is an "impossible" demand. What do you wise mumsnetters think? I'd really appreciate some support - have no-one else to talk to about it really.

What prompted my action was last Sunday when xp told ds he was coming on Sunday. Sunday came and went with no sign of xp, no response on his mobile and no explanation. He then e-mailed me on Thursday to ask if he could see ds on Saturday - no apology, still no explanation. I saw red! I really can't understand how he can treat any child, least of all his own child, in this way. Not once but many times.

Sorry this has turned into a rant but I'm so angry with him.

OP posts:

Report

quanglewangle · 19/06/2006 13:36

You sound very reasonable to me.
A month maybe seems a bit long but is a good start for bargaining. I would have thought a week or preferably 10 days should be ok for both of you.
However a day's notice for when he doesn't turn up seems very little, I would think 2 or 3 at the very least would be more acceptable.
However I have no experience so I may be talking rubbish.
I agree though it is time to be firm.

Report

Carmenere · 19/06/2006 13:36

No I think you sound like a reasonable and compassionate woman who is protecting both your ds's feelings and your self respect. Good for you!!

Report

Sheila · 19/06/2006 14:04

Thank you! I must say I feel infinitely better about the situation from my own point of view, and more able to manage DS's expectations. I simply could not bear to see his heart broken any more. I also thought "Would I accept this behaviour from anyone else?" The answer of course is no. Anyone else who let DS down in the way XP has done wouldn't get a second chance to see him and XP has done it repeatedly.

OP posts:

Report

quanglewangle · 19/06/2006 16:29

How old is ds? Does he get on with his dad? It is probably in his dad's own interest to be more reliable, otherwise disappointment may turn to resentment when ds gets older.

Report

bluejelly · 19/06/2006 16:32

V reasonable if you ask me.
My ex has gone through stages of being bloody unreliable.
Okay now but a few months back he was crap.
I tried really hard to manage my dd's expectations ( eg you might be seeing daddy on saturday but if not we'll do something nice)
In the end I just told her that he was a bit crap, and she takes all his promises with a pinch of salt.

She is 6.

Report

Sheila · 22/06/2006 12:58

Hi - just spotted these last 2 messages. To be fair XP, when he does turn up, is a very good dad to ds (who's 6). They have a great time together, get on really well, and xp is not at all undermining to me.

In a way though this makes his unreliability harder to take. Ds and xp have a wonderful time one weekend, then he doesn't turn up for a couple of weeks.

It's exactly how he used to treat me when we were together (the reason why we're no longer together!) so it's very hard for me to see him doing the same thing to poor innocent ds. I really want to protect him from the pain that I suffered.