What would you do?

[meandthomas]

My ds 2.5 goes to his dad most weekends but is becoming incresingly upset and withdrwn on his return.
The only reson xp sees ds so often is because he is intimidating and threatening.
I want to cut down how often ds is there but how do i do it without making myself vulnerable?

Also xp's parents dropped ds off an hour late and suggested that they had ds for the summer to give me a break!!! ( im a full time student so its the only time i see ds) Xp gives me next to nothing for ds and his parents ignore me when i suggest they could get him much needed new shoes etc.
What would you do?
Feeling very shaky and alone

[bluejelly]

Oh you poor thing... What a worry.
how difficult is it to negotiate with your ex?
How much of a weekend are we talking about?
What do you mean by intimidating?

I wouldn't even consider sending your ds off for the whole summer. They probably mean well but no reason why you should take them up on the offer!

[meandthomas]

Its impossible to negotiate with him. he just digs in his heels if its not his way.
He collects ds from childminders on friday @ lunchtime. This is fine, when i moved out of my mums i felt unsafe to be near him on my own. He kept threatening to break into my flat and do all manner of things to my fictional partner and me.

He used to be in the marines and is very strong.He is a really angry person, with a short temper. He has a habit of backing me into a corner and makes me feel trapped in conversation.
I know hes capable of carrying out his threats too!

I politely told his parents that my son was not a burden and no they could not have him for the summer as its the only time i spend with him.

Im really scared hes going to start being really nasty again.

[bluejelly]

I would take some legal advice. He sounds nasty and threatening.
How long does he have your son for at the weekend, the whole weekend?

[meandthomas]

yes, im a bit of a coward about confronting him, as he is really nasty.
I texted him today saying about collecting ds on saturday so x still has him for 1.5 days but he became nasty on the phone and doesnt want to go through a mediator.

I told him if he cant agree or discuss it reasonably then he cannot see him at the weekend. Which will not go down well at all but I dont want to let him bully me anymore!

What do you think?
Im going to cab on wednesday with my friend to try and sort things out. ds childminder said she'd vouch for me and not let xp have ds on fri if it comes to that but then things will get really really bad.
Im getting really worried that he'll get custody. He was trying to belittle the fact that i was at uni to support ds properly.

[meandthomas]

sorry, yes the whole weekend.

[Hillary]

You've got to get out of there honey for yours and your little ones safety! I grew up in a violent home and my partner was also extreamly violent and manipulative, makes you feel worthless and stupid. I stopped him seeing my 2 year old.

Did you put the dads name on the birth certificate? If you did you both have parental responsibility but if not then he has no say what so ever! You must call the police and have everything logged, there is no way he would get custody the only thing he could hope for would be supervised visits! I'v worked in the legal sector for many years, i was not having mine near my baby so i moved and changed mine & babys name by deed poll (you can do this on internet)as long as you don't have shared responsibility. Little one will copy and you will never be able to have your life! Be strong if you need to you can go to a womans refuge they will help you and advise you. Don't let him bully you stand up and be heard. If you need to move area you can get private rental the council will pay for a 2 bed house anywhere.

X

[crazychilledmummy]

If your DS is "increasingly upset and withdrawn" after seeing your ex and you know your ex can be violent you need to stop ex seeing DS (at least alone) right now. Ex may be very frightening to you but imagine how your DS must be feeling if anything is going on. It can be really, really hard on your own but you have to stand up to him and don't let him bully you anymore - for your DS's sake.

[meandthomas]

his name is on ds birth certificate.

i had an apology for him getting so angry on the phone and could we talk it through alone. I said no!

going to speak to health visitor tommorrow.

x lives with his parents so ds is never alone with him.
He is more intimidating than actually violent, but i know he has been violent previously when crossed. I have not seen him on my own if he is angry.I dnt want to risk it.

[crazychilledmummy]

Can you draw up something in writing for him to agree to that defines what is acceptable behaviour? Or insist any contact is via email - its much more difficult to be intimidating via email and you will have a record of any threats he makes. Plus you'll both be calmer hopefully if you have to sit and write something.

[meandthomas]

He cannot use a computer! Im not sure how he manages but he cant. So this makes it difficult. Its a good idea though:)
He doesnt like the idea of a third person being present, and keeps requesting that we speak alone. which i feel uncomfortable with.
Im going to the CAB today, hopefully they can help sort out some kind of mediation.

Im not trying to stop him seeing him. I just want to come to an arrangement where ds feels comfortable and i dont feel bullied all the time.

[meandthomas]

I cant help but think that his being nice is a different way of trying to get his own way. He does not do negotiating easily and wants it all his way.
I hate being so cynical, its not naturally me.

[bluejelly]

He sounds very controlling. I can see why you don't want to see him one to one.
Good for you going to the CAB. I really hope they are helpful.
I know it's tough but you've got to stand up to this man... you're not being unreasonable at all, just trying to find an arrangement taht works best for your son.
I really hope you can!

[meandthomas]

Ive been to the cab. It was a long morning of an inexperienced woman telling me that he has parental rights ( which i realise) and that he has as much right to residency as i do!!!! The only good thing was that i got 2 leaflets on mediation. and one on marriage counselling!! pmsl! as if! The woman did keep looking at me as though i had 3 heads for pursueing him though.

Im going to call the mediators now.

What do you think i should do about this weekend? I said on monday that he needs to compromise for thomas best interests otherwise he cannot see him, but it doesnt look like this'll happen before the weekend and cab said i dont have a leg to stand on.
Any advice?

Thanks for all your advice and support:)

[bluejelly]

Well done for getting to the CAB. I seriously doubt he has as much chance of getting residency as you, you being the mother and the primary carer. His history of intimidating behaviour would also count against him, if it is documented.

Could you ask the mediation people for advice for this weekend?
Do you qualify for legal aid being a student?
Might be worth getting a solicitor's appt if so.

Are you still technically married?

[meandthomas]

we were never married.

I have got an appointment for mediators on my own to discuss things- 3 july was first appt. A little longer than hoped but they were very supportive and helpful.
They agree that im doing things the right way and am justified.

I am entitled to legal aid although mediator said that a solicitor will point me in the direction of the mediators.

I feel like ive had a really successful day :)
I am not going to let this go on!! ( its my new mantra)

[bluejelly]

Good for you. 3rd July not too far away. Even if you have to keep sending ds to your ex in the meantime it's only a couple of weeks.
I think the fact that you weren't married works in your favour, but I am no legal expert.

I would suggest you keep a diary of all your interaction with your ex, what he says, does, whenever he uses threatening or intimidating language.

It could be very useful later on.

Please let us know how you get on

[meandthomas]

I had a very long winded phone call with ex last night. He rang, demanding that we spoke alone and didnt go through mediation.( nope) He went round and round in circles about why am i denying him the chance to see his son, and yet its not about himself obviously!
I suggested he proposed a different suggestion, and he was stumped. When I told him I would discuss it at mediation he wanted to know why dont i feel confortable around him! I gave him precise examples which didnt go down very well. LOL. I think hes worried that people are going to see what a nasty sh*t he is!

I did feel kinda sorry for him, although nothings going to change unless I fight him. It has taken me nearly 2 years to pluck up the strength and the courage to do this.

We did deal with the next 2 weekends. He has him this one, but Im picking ds up on saturday next week.

Poor ds refused to let me leave him when i put him to bed ( he normaly goes down without a problem)Everytime I have to use my mummy voice, he stops, but then bursts into tears and clings to me. It'll be over nothing in particular. And usually he is the most confident and nonclingy child going.

Any ideas for what i could do to make ds feel better?

thanks all

[crazychilledmummy]

well done you for being so strong. No experience of 2.5yr olds (my DS is only 10months) but lots of cuddles and reassurance? Your email is spooky, you could be describing my ex - we had a big telephone row last night too - maybe they are in cahoots !!!!

[bluejelly]

Glad you are addressing the issue. Constant reasurrance and cuddles and self-esteem building activities sound called for ( though you sound like a great mum already so sure you are doing all those things.)
All children have clingy phases so doesn't necessarily mean that he is in a state about the weekends... but I do think you are doing the right thing by addressing this. Good luck and keep us posted xx

[meandthomas]

x's parents dropped ds off yesterday. Had a polite message from ex confirming that they were going to do this, and he had recieved mediation info and hed be in touch.
ended it - take care cu soon xp...

Why does he decide to be nice now! I have a feeling he'll act the nice guy at mediation and make me look like a fool, and ultimately get his own way.

[meandthomas]

Hi, I just thought Id give you all an update.
X has agreed to mediation, the first joint meeting will be next week ( any advice welcome) Im really nervous as to what to expect...
His parents have also started sending me messages demanding to know why im doing this, and being generally obnoxious.

Ds and I went away for a few days which was nice, but Im not sleeping well which is having impact on everything else.

Any advice for mediation gratefully recieved

[Fluffybubble]

Hi!

Have had two lots of mediation, first with a solicitor who also had a hand in mediation, and the second time with a mediation service .

The second experience was very positive. The mediator (if they are any good!) should explain the format (ie. constuctive conversation if poss, not ex-bashing session, although that inevitably comes up!!). They should also start by taking you each aside on your own to ask about your circumstances & any concerns regarding intimidation etc you may have. Be honest here, they are there to support you through the mediation process so it is best to be frank, especially given your situation.

I found that it helped to jot down notes about what arrangements etc I hoped to make for my ds, and also any concerns I had about any issues, before the meeting. It can be quite emotional so don't feel afraid to ask for a break at any time. Also, if you felt that you are unable to achieve much more in the session you are able to say that you would like to finish and continue at a later date. This can be helpful if you reach stalemate, as you are both able to go away and ponder some more...

You should (hopefully) find it a positive experience... don't worry too much if you can help it .

Hope this helps a bit..

Good luck!