So tired, lonely and at the end of what I can take

(73 Posts)
HHH3 Tue 27-Aug-13 21:56:04

I have 2 DSs aged 9yrs and 8mo. At the moment DS1 is at his dad's. DS2 is here (his dad died in June. We weren't together though).

I'm exhausted from the frequent night wakings for months on end. I'm lonely. Finding it so hard to cope when everything for DS2 falls to me 24/7.

I get a couple of hours off each week as I have a fantastic babysitter but that's it - I'm on the go day and night the rest of the time.

Think I have PND and everything's getting on top of me. Have been trying so hard to cope and it's not working. Really not sure how much more I can takehmm

cestlavielife Tue 03-Sep-13 15:33:24

som counselling might help as you have had a bearevement even if you weerent together - or on behalf of your ds you are beareaved if that makes sense.

hv might be able to get you some support eg community nursery or childminder for few hours per week if you need it (work with GP to ask for it) . if having a fixed break few hours per week could make he difference then ask for it - otherwise try homestart/cuch volunteers/etcetc

HHH3 Tue 03-Sep-13 18:25:48

I pay a fantastic babysitter to have DS2 for 2.5hrs a week. I know it's more than some people have and I'm grateful for it - but it's really a drop in the ocean and I can't afford any more.

Social services have said they can't help. If he was in care they could provide loads of childcare and help but as he's not there's nothing they can offer.

I can't get counselling as I'm under the community mental health team. I have a mh social worker but I rarely see her and she seems to be off sick more often than not. Tbh seeing her doesn't really help anyway.

Homestart start in a couple of weeks but that won't give me a break.

It just feels like every way I turn doors are shut in my face. I guess that's not strictly true - the sort of help I need just isn't availablesad

ProphetOfDoom Tue 03-Sep-13 20:23:54

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HHH3 Tue 03-Sep-13 20:43:10

I haven't made a final decision about sleep training yet. At the mo we co-sleep, he wakes frequently and will only feed back to sleep. I'm just worried that if I move him to a cot and stop night feeding he'll still wake just as often. Then I'll have to get up to him and it might take longer to get him back to sleep. So then I'll have made things worse for myself instead of better iyswim?

I've been thinking about going to my gp but as I'm under the psychiatrist they prefer me to get help from there. Tbh I'm scared of saying too much as we've nearly got rid of social services. It's probably best I wait til Thursday and talk to the psychiatrist as I know I can be completely honest without her overreacting and starting to worry about the boys. She knows me well enough to know that however bad things are I'd never let any harm come to them.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 03-Sep-13 23:13:15

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HHH3 Wed 04-Sep-13 07:52:49

He won't take a dummy or a bottle. And tbh he doesn't need to feed at night. He's learnt that this is how he gets back to sleep and I know I need to teach him a different way. I need to do it for my sanity as well but I guess I'm scared of making things harder than they already are. Still need to do some more thinking. One way or another something has got to change though.

betterthanever Wed 04-Sep-13 18:56:28

hey Op sorry not been around but been thinking about you - what about doing the sleep training more in the day time when you may feel less pressure? When is your friend coming to stay? Hope everything goes well with the psychiatrist on Thursday, I think having someone there to listen to you will help in itself.

HHH3 Thu 05-Sep-13 14:48:18

So, it turned into a meeting with psychiatrist, mh social worker and HV today. That was fine and I was fully prepared to go in there and say that I just can't do this on my own anymore. I need a proper break at least once a week (in reality I need a few days off I think but that's never going to happen - especially as DS2 is still bf).

What actually happened is they spent a long time saying what they can't do - no funding from anywhere for any sort of childcare or help. I'm going to be referred to psychology but no idea how long the waiting list is. The mh social worker is going to look into getting me a personal budget but as it's to spend on childcare it's very unlikely I'll get it.

So in the end there was no point in me saying anything really. I tried to speak to the psychiatrist afterwards just to tell her how bad things are but she had to go.

I'm now at the point where the only thing I can see that I can do is ask for DS1 to go to his dad's and for DS2 to go into care. I really, really don't want that but I honestly don't see what other options I have. I just can't carry on like this - I need a break. If I could see some sort of end in sight then maybe I could manage. But there's no end to this for a very long time. At best, DS2 might be eligible for a nursery place when he's 2. He's 9 months tomorrow and I can't do this for another 15 months. I'm out of ideas

ProphetOfDoom Thu 05-Sep-13 19:10:24

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HHH3 Thu 05-Sep-13 19:17:47

I don't think so. It's been made clear to me on more than one occasion that there simply isn't any help. After writing my last post I rang the HV because I needed someone to know how bad things are and what I'm considering. She didn't really know what to say except to agree that there's nothing available.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 05-Sep-13 21:45:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

betterthanever Thu 05-Sep-13 22:04:28

OP I was were you are, I was so shocked that there is nothing for people in your position. It is truley shocking - esp. when you think where the money does go... (ill not go there)

You are burning out... BUT you are not burned out yet as you would not be able to type on here even.. so that is a good sign.

It isn't all over for you yet.

I got some MH help - my advice would be to not think too long term - just a day at a time for now - I know you need to keep looking for the help but assign an hour or so to concentrate on that don't let is eat into your precious time.

Can you get some CBT? your GP should be able to refer you. Try not to panic 9I know how difficult that is - reading it will probably make you panic) as that will take away your precious energy too - you are doing ok for now you are actually coping much better than you think- you can keep going for a little longer while you work things out.

Try to split your day up if you can and just get through the morning and then the afternoon and then the evening - don't think much further on. Sleep whenever you can.

There are some things you can do for yourself - google burn out and get some advice - have you ever tried meditation? even for a couple of minuites the rest it gives your mind works wonders - I was shocked that even though I was lacking physcial rest I could get through better with mental strength but please try and get that sleep.

Keep posting - just get through tomorrow morning doing only what 100% has to be done.

HHH3 Thu 05-Sep-13 22:15:46

You're right - I'm burning out. And I'm so close to being completely burnt out. I can't do this for much longer.

DS1 will be back after school tomorrow so I've decided that I'll get through the weekend and then make some decisions.

My GP can't refer me for anything as I'm already under mh services. I just don't know which way to turn.

I really can't do this much longer.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 06-Sep-13 13:11:06

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HHH3 Fri 06-Sep-13 13:34:59

No, no family help. Tbh I'm struggling to see the wood for the trees. I'm sure there are things I can control but I don't know what they are atm.

I'll pm you but don't try too hard - I've tried everything I can think of and come up against a brick wall every time. I don't want you to waste your time.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 06-Sep-13 14:26:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HHH3 Fri 06-Sep-13 14:28:09

Got your pm! Just about to do the school run so will reply later.

betterthanever Sat 07-Sep-13 00:12:31

Schmalt your advice there is great. Op take up the offer of some hand holding on the sleep training - you need that rest * Schmalt* is right - with sleep you can plan with a plan things will move forward - nothing massive will happen over night but every day a small step - you can do it. scmalt hand holding with you will be just as good as any professional agency help maybe even better.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 11-Sep-13 19:07:08

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ProphetOfDoom Wed 11-Sep-13 20:56:10

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ProphetOfDoom Sat 14-Sep-13 14:44:47

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HHH3 Sat 14-Sep-13 18:30:45

I had a full 8 hours last night which was amazing! DS2 was absolutely fine although it sounds like he woke a lot so I'm very glad it wasn't me dealing with itgrin

Still feel absolutely shattered today and I'm starting to wonder if it's more than lack of sleep. I also have MS and I'm wondering if that's playing a part as well. Have a couple of other symptoms going on as well so it could be.

But I'm so glad we did last night. As well as sleep it gave me confidence that he's ok without me for a while. Hopefully we can do it again soon.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 14-Sep-13 20:35:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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