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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

ExP come to get DD and I feel sick

24 replies

eyebrowsfurrowed · 15/08/2013 08:44

ExP has a history of doing things I consider to be pretty low. Gambling whilst I was pregnant and away on a work trip. Flirting with women on Facebook. A nasty temper when he's drunk. And last weekend, taking drugs whilst me and my DD were in the house. I kicked him out in due course having to threaten calling the police as he wouldn't leave (thank god I have a car so we left as soon as I found him with the drugs).

He is now back in with his parents and I keep going on and off as to whether I want to get back with him or not. Someone talk someone sense into me...

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 15/08/2013 08:45

someone talk some sense*

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TurnipIsTaken · 15/08/2013 08:49

Only you can decide what to do. If he doesn't change could you carry on living like that? We learn a lot about relationships from our home life - would you like dd to live like this?

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 15/08/2013 08:56

No I couldn't carry on living like that and he keeps promising me he'll change. I got quite depressed recently and he says the reason he did it was because of me. Our relationship has gotten worse and worse because I don't have the guts to do it on my own. I feel so weak. I can do it on my own though, I have a couple of good jobs, good prospects, family around.

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Longdistance · 15/08/2013 08:57

taking drugs whilst dd was in the house

^That alone would do it for me^

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russetbella1000 · 15/08/2013 08:58

Sorry to sound harsh but if this was me it doesn't matter what I want or don't it's only whatever is in the best interests of the child....Is he an ex-partner? Are you actually a lone parent? Until you decide what you are with confidence you will not be able to provide a secure environment for your child.

By contrast, once you are clear about what you want which is in the best interests of the child, the right decisions will be made.

Wish you all the best with your choices.

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 15/08/2013 09:04

That's the problem. I just don't know what to do. Can leopards change their spots? DD is very young (10 months) - do men take longer to fall into the parenting role than women? He is great with her it's just these stupid benders he goes on every two months. He came back at 9am on Saturday after going out Friday evening...

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cestlavielife · 15/08/2013 14:41

Keep him away until he is done with nasty temper and drugs.
You don't want dd exposed to those

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russetbella1000 · 15/08/2013 16:06

I wouldn't take a chance which depends on a leopard changing his spots/a man facing up to reality and his responsibility.

He's just not important here. Leave him to work through what he needs to do. This is separate from the stable environment you need to provide for your child.
A reliance on somebody else to change for you and your daughter to move forward is dodgy IMO.

She is your priority now he needs to get to where you are....Not prevent your child from enjoying the stable home life she deserves. If that means you actually become a strong lone parent-great. If you don't feel you can be that yet and feel he deserves chance after chance (potentially harming the emotional well-being of your child)...well of course only you can decide this.

Fact is you, not him now have the power/responsibility to do the best thing by your child. There comes a time when you can't keep saying ah if only he was this or that but actually own up to how he is now and act on that. You have the most responsibility here now.It may not be fair or how you imagined it but it is what it is.

Good luck

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SnoopyLovesYou · 16/08/2013 20:58

I feel sick when my nasty ex comes to get my children too. Feeling for you! I'm going to be brutal here: You're too good for this man. He's one of the losers. Leopards don't change their spots. Sounds like he's being abusive to you as well as putting you and your DC in harm's way. Keep away from him. It's tough- you'll feel sometimes like you love him and you'll have delusions where you think you want him back. Stay away. And keep you and your DC safe. Hugs.

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 17/08/2013 12:43

I have heard he's done drugs a few times while we've been together. These benders happen every 2 months, we have a blow out, he promises to change and nothing happens. The support I have gotten from my Dad is 'so what if he likes a drink, he's not a bad person.' My brother says 'who cares if he takes c ONCE A MONTH, chill out' (once a month, once a MONTH?!). My own family is horribly dysfunctional my parents stayed together through alcoholism, affairs and even a move abroad and I can see us going down the same well trodden path. I know what's right in my head but I wish I could turn my love switch off.

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YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 12:49

It's not a man thing, I promise you. Honestly if he hasn't "manned up" in the last 19 months he's had to get used to the idea, when will he? :(

It's really not fair on your DD to see her dad coked up even if it was once a YEAR let alone once ever 1-2 months.

Have you ever contacted Women's Aid? They are fantastic and will help you get support in place and help you come through this. You don't have to have suffered physical violence.

You could try posting in Relationships as well, loads of helpful and supportive posters on there, about relationships but also dysfunctional families.

You are stronger than you think, you can do this, please save your DD from a life of abuse and constantly being let down by men.

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tribpot · 17/08/2013 13:03

These benders happen every 2 months, we have a blow out, he promises to change and nothing happens.

Can leopards change their spots?

Maybe some leopards can, but this one has demonstrated repeatedly that he likes his spots the way they are, thank you very much. It's one thing to want to have faith in someone's sincerity when they say they very much want to change. It's quite another to keep believing the same lie because you're afraid of being on your own.

You know you can manage without him financially and practically. Whatever emotional support you feel you are getting from him must be routinely cancelled out by the other shit he's pulling on you.

Make a different choice from the poor ones your parents made. You can choose better.

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Hamwidgeandcheps · 17/08/2013 13:41

Or not. Been there. It didn't get any better. He is showing you no care or respect. I decided my dds deserved better, and me.

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 18/08/2013 13:46

Just found out he was betting again last night. Hhaahahahahaha! I'm a bit gutted but more ecstatic to find this out as he hasn't changed atall and kicking the fucker out was the right thing to do. He definitely is a massive loser.

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 18/08/2013 14:15

... ugh. I really don't know how I feel atall actually. Still just sick.

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ImpulsePineapple · 18/08/2013 15:25

he hasn't changed at all and kicking the fucker out was the right thing to do

THIS! You've done the right thing, you really really have. It will feel a bit shit for a little while, and then you will look back and realise it was the best thing you could ever do for you and your DD.

Stay strong x

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DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 18/08/2013 15:34

The best way to get over him would be to stop contact altogether, it sounds like you are still hearing from others what he is doing, try to stop this and only contact him in relation to your dc, it works wonders.

You will not be able to move on until you stop following his movements or engaging in any type of convo with him

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StupidMistakes · 18/08/2013 15:42

Sometimes when you have tried to help someone all you can you have to walk away no matter how much you love them. Bottom line is that he has to want to change no amount of nagging or arguing will make him. He has to do it for himself. (((hugs)))

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 18/08/2013 15:50

Agreed about following his movements it's bloody Facebook. One of his friends bragging about giving him a tip-off for the boxing. Honestly? How I ended up with someone that enjoys betting on boxing is completely beyond me...

What I really want is to be apart from him for a while and for me to get happy again (I have ADs but am scared to take them. I am also going back to work AND thinking about starting up a business). But really I want him to grow the fuck up.

Has anyone had any success with an oversized man-child? Does a few months apart ever change anything?

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 19/08/2013 20:22

UPDATE: I'm now realising I was already a single parent anyway. No one to go to bed with as he'd stay up watching TV, only sharing bedtime duties every other week as he worked shifts, taking my DD out in the day as he was to hungover on his days off, arranging to see his family because he couldn't be arsed.

When we did go out he would make it his mission to drink as much as he could, not to have alone time with me.

I have tried to resolve our issues but as always it's me making promises in the hope that he'll offer to change some things too. He never does. WHEN. WILL. I. FULLY. REALISE...???

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ImpulsePineapple · 19/08/2013 20:42

Sounds like you are realising

Keep posting and stay detatched

You'll be so much more relaxed soon x

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Sasquatch75 · 22/08/2013 07:36

Hi, I would be the same as you. Love is a powerful thing and you obviously don't want to break up the family if you can help it... But the problem is HE'S not helping.

I've been apart from my ExH for nearly 3 weeks now and it's been pure hell. It was a whirlwind 2 months and then he decided he needed to leave as he didn't want 'this' anymore! He's deactivated his Facebook account and I've unfriended him anyway... I don't see any updates about him at all. If I did, I think I'd have to unfriend the people who were saying things! I definitely think this has helped. When we text each other, it's just to talk about when he's having the boys next. It's really hard but you need to distance yourself from the situation.

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YoniBottsBumgina · 22/08/2013 13:09

Space, eyebrows. Time and space watching him fuck up over and over and never keep those promises that he flings about so freely. Time and space to enjoy the calm that pervades when you're not dealing with his drama all the time. Time and space to realise that you really can do this without him and (as you're finding) he was never any help anyway. Time and space to discover that you're okay... no, more than okay, happier, without him.

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eyebrowsfurrowed · 09/09/2013 20:57

Just a small update incase anyone was linked into this thread wondering... Ex is moving into his own place in 10 days from his mummy and daddys where he's been the last month or so. Asked to take baby's cot to which i've obliged. Only so he can feel like a complete twunt about it in a few weeks when he realises the implications of that.

Him moving out has been the best thing in the world. I am happy again. I thought had PND but it was actually a case of CFPD (current fucktard partner disorder).

Never heard DD laugh so much in all her life and my house is spotless! Also have more cash in my account than I ever had with him!

WINNING!!!