Dad threatening to take kids

(18 Posts)
STIDW Sun 21-Jul-13 23:46:42

Unfortunately anger and threats to take the children or withhold money are sometimes a feature of separation. However often anger is a secondary emotion to more primary feelings of hurt, uncertainty and fear. Nonetheless you can't negotiate or mediate with someone who is being unreasonable and as others have said you need to establish physical and emotional boundaries and don't react to his behaviour. If you have the means it can be useful using a solicitor to act as a buffer between you to negotiate arrangements for the children.

When someone is determined a residence order won't prevent them from taking the children. Family law is a civil matter and normally the police can't get involved. If a return can't be negotiated usually the case has to go back to court. When there is no residence order it's possible to make an application in an emergency anyway so you can be rest assured that should the worst happen the children can be returned PDQ.

clam Sun 21-Jul-13 23:03:55

Whatever you do, don't let him know that he has rattled you. Ignore his threats, nod and smile and carry on about your business. He is not in charge of you anymore.

And report him to the CSA asap.

OK, well at least you can feel reassured that you absolutely did the right thing in dumping this knobber. As he is so comprehensively demonstrating that he is a knobber, you needn't waste any time trying to compromise or 'keep it amicable'. Email him to inform him that all communication will now be via email and no other methods will be responded to and get on to the CSA. He doesn't get to make up the rules. He is not above the law. He can be put firmly in his place. Best of luck.

Montessorisam Sun 21-Jul-13 20:05:24

Thanks for your support everyone! He is now telling me that he is no longer giving me a penny - nice man! I'll see what the CSA have to say about it!

Confused40 - I will take a look at the website. Thanks x

Confused40 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:29:49

Sorry your going through this.
http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/
This organisation offer free legal advice to women and their website has loads of advice too. Charity run by women barristers, solicitors and lawyers. Hope they can help.
Feel free to PM me, I've been through similar circumstances to you.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 19-Jul-13 22:23:34

i would look into getting residency, then if he takes them they have to come back i think? worth findong out as he sounds quite seriousm though sometimes they theaten but would not like to have the worrk of carrying it through.

Never mind what he says. Shut the silly dickhead down. He does not have superpowers, he is not above the law and his opinion doesn't matter. Set yourself up an email address(gmail or Hotmail or whatever) and inform him that all communications about arranging for him to see DC are to be conducted via email, that you will not respond to any texts or phone calls, and that persistent abusive texts and phone calls - or turning up on the doorstep stamping and tantrumming - will result in the police being informed of his behaviour.

If it goes to court, the court's concern is that the children see their father for their benefit, not his. He has no right of access to YOU. If he is using contact with DC to bully you, then cutting off his access to you might mean he disappears, but that's no bad thing. If he's that much of a dick, there is no benefit to DC from having him in their lives.

chickensaladagain Tue 16-Jul-13 14:35:06

My ex threatened to take the dcs, he also threatened to split them up so we had 1 each

It was all bluff but scared the crap out of me

Respect is earned not a right, he isn't showing you any respect

Do not engage with him, keep all texts and emails

He has no right to treat you like that, especially as you are doing so well

And the courts will take a dim view if him slagging you off in front of the dcs

LilyBossom Tue 16-Jul-13 14:27:14

in my experience an abusive man will threaten to take the children, but he won't actually do anything at all. He is doing it to strike fear into you. My ex threatened this, he doesn't actually bother to see his child at all - it is just empty nasty threats designed to scare and unsettle you.

cestlavielife Tue 16-Jul-13 11:46:03

at 8 and 11 they too young to decide tho their wishes and eeling can be taken into account.

start from permise of sharing fifty fifty and work from that based on practicalities.

ignore his texts unless they about practical arrangemetns but keep them.

if tehere is specific threat to take kidnap or remove the kids or not give them back see solicitor.

HoldingHigh Tue 16-Jul-13 11:42:54

Actually there probably would be one text I'd send but it wouldn't be in response to his threats. I'd just send: 'Please do not contact me unless you want to make arrangements about the kids.'

I'd note that down in a diary somewhere that I'd sent it and try and save the text as proof that I had. But if he continues the abuse after this I'd suggest possibly arranging through a third party about him seeing the children if every time you come in to contact it puts you in the firing line each time for abuse.

Keep his abusive texts as evidence though, including writing down somewhere about his verbal abuse he's given. If it does end up turning nasty it's good to have something that backs you up.

Montessorisam Tue 16-Jul-13 11:24:35

Hi thank you. His relationship with them is fine. He is not abusive in any way with them thankfully. Although he will say nasty things to them about me in front of them and me which is not great for the mutual respect that I am trying to foster in my kids! I never say anything to them about him.

HoldingHigh Tue 16-Jul-13 11:19:36

Don't engage with him. Keep every abusive text he sends as evidence in the event it does end up in court. As others are said - providing your kids are happy, non abused and not neglected there's no reason for them to be taken away and out of a place they know and call home.

How is your children's relationship with him in general?

ChocChaffinch Tue 16-Jul-13 10:50:33

yes, don't respond to him.
if he gets threatening you can talk to police? they'll have people to help

ChocChaffinch Tue 16-Jul-13 10:49:37

have you rung tax credits to say you're single now.
they can take some days to sort stuff out,

Tryharder Tue 16-Jul-13 10:49:17

Unless you are abusing your DCs or neglecting them, then I doubt very much that he would be able to take them off you as he is threatening. He's trying to bully you.

I would turn your phone off and refuse to engage with him.

Don't ask your DCs anything either.

ChocChaffinch Tue 16-Jul-13 10:48:35

blimey, you are a strong lady, well done for kicking him out, he sounds a right treat

bumping for you

legal advice not my forte

Montessorisam Tue 16-Jul-13 10:46:08

Any advice please. Me and kids dad (we are married still) split 2 months ago. Last night he sent about 15 threatening texts saying that he would take the children from me. As an example of the kind of texts he sent one said "are you going to start respecting me or is this war". He is angry and bitter because I told him to leave. It was an emotionally abusive relationship. I could not take anymore. Obviously he feels like he has lost all control over the situation apart from the kids who it appears he will now use as a weapon to get at me. I work 25 hours a week and have 3 kids. I am managing ok. It is hard but I am coping. He does not like to see that.
I need to know where I stand legally. What are my steps now if that he has threatened this. Should I ask the older two (age 8 and 11) who they want to live with because I am guessing the courts will anyway. How about mediation? How do I go about this?
All advice would be so much appreciated. Thank you. x

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