Its getting worse!!

[jaycee123]

Hi, I am new here and really just want to left off some steam.
I am a single mum of 6 children, aged 21, 18, 14, girl/boy twins 7, and 5. Its the 4 younger children that are being affected.
My ex walked out 3 years ago, he was verbally abusive and a binge drinker. I know he did us all a favour but things are just getting out of hand. I have never stopped him having contact with the children although I did say he would have to have his mother with him whilst he was dealing with his drinking and abuse issues. He used to come after work giving them their tea/bath and put the little ones to bed, I thought it would help them all but no benefit to me. Once he realised that I would not take him back he tried threatening suicide so I got him help. I went to relate and mediation all at his request in the hope they would be able to help him understand there was no going back.
I offered him on week one, Tuesday after school and Friday after school.
On week two I offered Tuesday after school and Friday evening through till Sunday evening. He refused this. He even refused to have them on christmas day.
I found myself served with papers demanding shared residency a few months ago. This was never going to happen but he did get all of the above but changed the Friday to Sunday to the Saturday to Monday. This was acceptable to me until my youngest DD was coming home after school messing herself and being in pain. There has been a problem with this for a while but has been exaggerated by the amount of time she is spending there over the weekend. He is refuting that this is a problem saying it is nothing to do with him although it only happens when she has had contact.
Over the last couple of days she has confided in me saying she doesnt want to go to the toilet there and wants me with her. When I said we had an appointment with the doctor she was ok with it until I said her dad would be there (he demanded he be there). She said she didnt want him there at all.
At the appointment she did not have any communication with him whatsoever and completely ignored him, she hid behind me and said very little. She wouldnt even say goodbye when we were leaving. The nurse was aware of the circumstances. He was there when I explained what she had said and what her wishes were and he still refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, even after her being referred to a councilor he still refuses to help saying I do not have the control!! I dont want control I want him to help me with our daughter!! There is a court order to the affect of his visitation rights. He is taking the 3 little ones on holiday next week and refused me any communication whatsoever with them, the judge said it was unacceptable and he has to call me every day. My 14 yr old is not allowed to go with him, she isnt his but treated her as his own for most of her life. His attitude has caused my daughter to self harm and she is also in counseling because of him. I have stopped contact with her.
I just cant believe his want to destroy me is greater than his love for the well being of his children.
Oh and he is wanting us out of the house as he thinks I should rent so he can have his share (it was my house before I met him) I refuse to move my children so there is another fight.

I just want it all to stop :( sorry for the rant x

[teetering13]

Not saying 'give up' ... but for your sanity why not move, his type will drain you till you're shell ... If I were in your shoes I'd move far away and start afresh

Sorry if thats not much help, but life is short and some men will always be wankers

[jaycee123]

Thankyou for your reply teetering :) sorry it was such a long post.

My DD refused to go to contact today but the only way I could allow that was to keep her off school, as it happens she was unwell anyway probably because of the stress of yesterday. Basically if she is well enough for school she is well enough for contact, I agree with this but as she cried most of last night, had a bad stomach and slept in the day I am glad I did keep her off.
The ex said I do not have the power to stop contact... although I have never tried too, not sure what he means by that as he failed to get shared residency and only has a contact order.

I have thought of moving away especially as he doesnt have shared residency, although I dont see why I should, I am doing my degree which will benefit myself and my children, the kids school and friends are here and of course the only home they have ever known.

I did text him asking for help with our daughter three times and all I get back is I will be at the doctors and tell them the truth again... I have never said he is lying so not sure where that is coming from. DD is still saying she does not want him at the appointments so not sure where I stand on that. Surely her wishes come before his.

Also would anyone be able to tell me how much he can actually demand from just having a contact order, as he didnt get shared residency surely that leaves him with a little less of a voice as it were?? not that I have ever denied him anything but if he carries on being the bastard he is to my kids then I will throw everything at him that I can, I have to protect my kids first and formost which I will do at any expense.

Once again thanks for the reply, not sure my post makes much sense but any replies mean so much x

[Hamwidgeandcheps]

God he sounds like an absolute shit.
Wrt him making threats about you obstructing contact orders this is how I understand it. If you denied or cease contact with your dd he can apply to take you back to court under a breach. If he did this the judge would consider the whole picture and though they have the power to fine/improson for breached orders this v rarely happens and not without v good reason and multiple hearings etc. what you need to do is gather evidence. Talk to gp/Hv and any other professionals involved nc tell them your concerns that contact is distressing for your dd and causing behavioural problems. Get the HV to make an entry in the red book (if you have one) that you have raised concerns. Judge will consider all of this its v relevant. Make copies of the contact with him ESP of you have any with him saying its not my problem etc etc. if be astonished of a judge ruled against you in there circs

[babyhammock]

Absolutely definitely go to the doctors with your dd ON YOUR OWN. He doesn't even have to know. He doesn't own you and you need to get to the bottom of this.
Oh and what hamwidge said above.

[jaycee123]

Thanks for your replies. The thing is I have never even stopped contact, in fact he has got less contact now than he has ever had, and thats his own fault. He has tried to say I am being obstructive but there was only once I stopped him having them and that was because they were ill. They had been ill a few days earlier in his care and 2 of them were ill, he did not tell me, he didnt medicate them with anything to help their temperatures and he went to work leaving them with his mother and sister (who are just as bad). When they returned to me the next day one of them had to be carried into the house as she was so poorly. They had got chest and ear infections but he didnt think I needed to know as it was his time.

He used to text or call and ask if he could pick them up sometimes the next day to take them out for the day, maybe picking them up at 7am and bringing them home at 9pm depending where they had been, I had always been happy for this to happen as it was nice for the kids. He also used to call after work whenever he wanted and help bath them and put them to bed, but now I am sticking to the order for the time being.

I will not be taking him to any other appointments as my DDs wishes come well before his.

I have been keeping a diary over the last few months of when our DD is going to the toilet, when she is in pain etc etc and it all stacks up to being just after his time. Like you say evidence is crucial.
The thing that annoys me is that I am trying to do everything I can to help our DD and he is saying there is nothing wrong!! so if he sees there is nothing wrong why does he feel the need to come to any appointments in the first place??

I tried to have the order varied in June by an emergency hearing to avoid this for our DD but we couldnt be seen by a judge on that day, (he said I was only doing it as he has to pay and I dont, I would pay the earth to get this sorted!) it was 2 weeks later which was after his contact anyway so it wouldnt have been helpful, but it was finalised last Monday. All I can say is I am glad he didnt get shared custody, I can fight this for our DD but it will be easier as he only has a contact order.

Not looking forward to them going away for the week with him but at least the judge made him give me phonecalls each day.

The law is meant to protect children but at the moment this doesnt seem to be the case, once I have my evidence, and now the dr has seen her reaction when he is at the surgery etc things should start going in the right direction.

Once again thankyou x

[betterthanever]

The post gets worse as the courts are not looking after the DC here I agree. Were cafcass involved?

[jaycee123]

Hi betterthanever,

Cafcass were involved in the first court hearing, although I did explain that our DD had these problems I was told that it would probably rectify itself as things settled down, however as the contact didnt really change by much... just the one extra Sunday night every other week I said it would probably get worse not better which I have proven to be right. He just sat there and said there was no problem like he is now. I did tell the cafcass lady about his drinking and depression etc (which he went to counceling for) but they said they were willing to give him the chance, if things didnt work out it would be reviewed in 4 months time. I managed to pull that forward by a month because I am not happy about what is happening with DD but still he is allowed that extra night, but did get rid of the shared custody. I asked that he have the Friday through till Sunday so they are home for the start of the school week, it would give time for DD to settle and go to the toilet, he refused because it didnt suit him.

I have tried everything I can so the children still have plenty of time with him but his reluctance to do the right thing by any of them is disgraceful.
My solicitor is looking at getting a section 7 report, although saying that our DDs actions at the surgery spoke louder than any words.

We have just had a lovely weekend and they have all been completely happy playing in the pool etc. Our DD said she didnt want to go on holiday with them next week but wanted to stay with me, I had to tell her I wasnt sure if there was anything I could do about it but I would try, I dont want to give her false hope.

I know things will settle in the end but it seems to be taking such a long time and hurting the children in the mean time, watch this space though because I will eventually break him!!!

Thankyou x

[betterthanever]

So glad you have all managed to have a really nice weekend - good for you. I would ring cafcass tomorrow... (and very calmly) I would just say you don't know what to do and just want their advice.. say how DD has been regarding the toilet and other things, explain about this weekend and how nice it has been and say how reluctant she is to not go on the holiday, there is a really good risk and resiliance research document somewhere on the internet - it clearly says that when children are put under pressure time and time again their resiliance (which is over estimated in my opinion anyway) reduces... put the ball back in their court. They are putting you in this position. It is not a position you have chosen - they have a duty to the court but they have responsibility for the child's welfare in court ordered situations. xx

[betterthanever]

P.S. if they say your case is closed (which will be because the court have not required them to do any further work) it doesn't matter - you can ring them any time - I was told this by them - I have always found them very good especially concerning situations like yours - pleased don't feel like you just have to go a long with things. xxx