CSA - advice please!

(10 Posts)
cls77 Mon 15-Jul-13 14:00:25

Thankyou all so much, it really does reassure me that other people understand what these "people" can behave like.
He didnt even wait until sunday picking her up before texting me at 5:20am to ask if I could sort out his cds and photos he left behind (I didnt reply) followed by another at 9am! My daughter told him she didnt want to see him this wkend after becoming really upset at the thought of it, but changed her mind later on Sat eve. Ultimately after a lot of tooing and froing (with me not involved) she agreed to see him from 10:30-12:30 (my parents live round the road from him). Sadly within half an hour of him picking her up she had rang me (whilst in the toilet) to ask if she could leave and go round my parents, she asked me to contact him as she was scared he would be angry with her. He didnt understand she was upset, and let her run out of the house around to my parents. My daughter has decided she wont be seeing him anymore sad
Cant believe it has come to this, how can people (men in my case) change so much to not even give a thought of their children, let alone want to support them :'(

MrsTomHardy Fri 12-Jul-13 22:12:10

Stick with Csa....

Lioninthesun Fri 12-Jul-13 21:42:19

Re him on your porch - send DD out and say you are on the phone (pick up phone immediately and dial speaking clock if you have to!) then when she comes back you are in the bath (leave note on door for DD to come in). Admit it's a wimpy way but you need to plan how to reinforce the fact you two are separated now and no need to talk (mainly because he is badgering you hoping you will fold - my ex knew I was a softie at heart, sadly just not for him after his tricks!)

Lioninthesun Fri 12-Jul-13 21:37:53

My ex badgered me for over a year to stop CSA. He went above and beyond with lies, nasty emails and texts, getting his family to email and write to me, turning up saying he was about to die hmm he took me to Tribunal (cue a very hmm judge asking him why he thought he had a case) and then pretended to loose his job so I was on £5 per week for DD. He never once asked about his DD. He hasn't seen her since she was 6mo.
He didn't like the fact they could take it directly from his salary, as he wasn't in control any more. He liked to think he could decide which tidbits to throw his daughter, depending on his lifestyle. Sadly this seems to be the way many men think about their children.
Cut all contact and rely on CSA. He is possibly due a pay rise and is getting narked you will get a cut for your child. This is what happened with my ex anyway! It is all about power.

betterthanever Fri 12-Jul-13 12:19:23

Sounds good cls your boundaries are being put in place. I agree your DD can go out to him herself. If he aproaches you, I would respond with something like `please can you contact me via email if you need to discuss anything regarding DD'. He will of course call you a number of things for this `hostile' `hard work' `in a mood' etc. etc. but you just don't feel able to speak to him face to face and it is your choice and your have the right to your own choices and have the right not be spoken to badly and made to feel uncomfortable esp if DD is there. I would try not to respond to some things too unless you really have to - or it opens a dialogue that in the end achieves nothing. You can't change how he behaves towards you, you can only minimise the impact it has on you and DD. You have chosen to go down the CSA route - that is up to you, it is up to him how he responds to them. You are not interested if he views a 15% reduction as not worth working for then, that is how he feels and how he feels is not your responsibility.

cls77 Fri 12-Jul-13 11:03:45

Thanks for the advice, he contacted me again yesterday to ask if I had rang them (i thought he meant have i rang them yet, as he asked me to) but what he meant was they had contacted him again asking for details on everything. I just replied "best to be honest with them then" and that was that.
He is picking up DD on Sunday to have her from 10:30 - 4pm and I am dreading him coming to the house to get her. I really need to cut off all contact as DD is 11 now and I think could go and get in his car without Ex having to see/talk to me - although he always finds a way sad

betterthanever Wed 10-Jul-13 20:44:39

You need to cut your communication down with him. It will dog your life. We all makes mistakes but as long as we learn and move on. I made a massive one too and it is still costing me dear. I would go to the CSA cut ties as much as you can otherwise - contact can be arranged via email.

cls77 Wed 10-Jul-13 20:14:40

He never has cared about anything financial to the point where I paid all loans we ever had, even our wedding and honeymoon (yes I know...) and will be for some years yet, my word have I learnt my lesson hard there. And tonight he told me it wouldn't be worth him working as he will be losing 15% straight off if he does! I told him that that is his reponsibility and why wouldn't he want to support his daughter, he just took that chance to ask how I spend my wages and what am I doing every month with mine?!!

betterthanever Wed 10-Jul-13 20:05:38

It is always good if you can have things agreed between you but I think he is more concerned for himself than your DC. If he is on and off benefits it is really hard for the CSA to keep track but it sounds like he isn't keen on paying you regularly directly and it is a little concerning how he is talking to you but then is some communication may be better than non? If you stop the CSA now I am not sure how they would feel if you contacted them again in the future. It isn't really up to you to have to keep chasing he is your ex now you have to move on with your life. If he really cared about his DC would he not want to support financially? I think he sees anything he gives you as a bonus not what he should be doing as a responsible person. Are you just expected to pick up the slack when he isn't around or can't support financially? why is that?

cls77 Wed 10-Jul-13 19:40:23

Right I will try and keep this brief!
Ex left last August, paid random amounts for three months then nothing in November or December. In January I contacted CSA for the first time and they organised payment from his then JSA of £5 a week, when he started work again he asked me to agree a mutual amount per month which he would directly pay, I knew this wasn't the % it would have been via CSA but told him that I appreciate his overtime was his and as long as he spent time with his daughter actually doing something (currently once every three weeks for 6hrs) then that was ok.
He has lost his job again and has been increasingly verbally horrid to me so today I rang CSA to ask if they'd pick the case back up again so that I could at least receive the £5 we are entitled to.
Tonight he has rang me to ask me to call them and call off the arrangement as he had every intention of paying at the end of the month (whilst unemployed) and that the CSA have rang him today asking him for four months wage slips. He says the overtime was a lot an he will be told he didn't pay enough?
Not sure what to do?

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