Abusive XP back in touch (child contact)(14 Posts)
Posted this first in relationships, but might be more of a lone parent issue.
Will keep this as brief as possible, but could do with objective opinions, please. I split with xp around 3 years ago due to DV (psychological, emotional, financial abuse). Police were involved for stalking etc. I was pregnant and eventually cut all contact, moved house, changed phone numbers etc.
XP is a pathological liar, and has spent some time at her majesty's pleasure for theft. At best, he has a personality disorder, and may well be a psychopath. He and his family hounded me for a while during my pregnancy and around the time they thought the baby was due. I ignored all this and never gave any details about my tiny baby. There has been little contact from them since then, albeit mainly because I've moved and made a massive effort to remain under their radars.
XP has sent an email this week - I do still use the same email address, even though he isn't to know that I still use it. He is full of the usual apologies, has apparently changed , and doesn't want back with me or access to my DC. He does, however, want to help me (cheers!), wants to meet up, and wants to know DC's name and DOB.
It was a bit of a shock to receive the email, tbh, even though it has always been in the back of my mind that he might reappear. My gut feeling was to ignore, rinse and repeat, and ignore some more. He can jump through the legal hoops if he actually wants any involvement, right? It is also likely to be because he has been sacked, dumped or both, and hopes I might have forgotten what a nasty piece of work he is.
However, apart from obviously being a bit shaken by it, I do wonder whether xp does have some right to at least know his child's DOB and name. Or rather, maybe I have a moral obligation to tell him. He is dc's dad, after all, even though he's a complete shit. Should i just let it go and deal with anything more formal as and when it happens? Or reply at some point stating DC's name and DOB? There is also now the spanner in the works that, when the ''why don't i have a daddy?'' questions arise, I won't be able to tell DC that daddy didn't ever even try to make contact after the dust settled.
Sorry if this sounds ridiculous and muddled, will end it here.
I think you are right to ignore, as you say he doesn't even know that you use that email address. I don't know why he would want to know dds birth date, I would worry about his motives for asking that question it seems a bit odd to me.
Thanks, cjel, I agree. Bit more traffic on Relationships board, here's a link to the same thread over there .
personally, i would ignore given the history of stalking. anything that may put you or your child at risk in future. he could look for your child/contact schools etc with the informtion he wants. if that is going to be a rrisk to dsafety, do not give it to him.
Thanks for replying, susan. Thread is also in relationships, and all posters agree that I shouldn't engage. Not sure why the thought even crossed my mind, tbh, i was just thrown by the email.
i had a wander over to relationships too.
Sounds like a psychopath to me, have been in a very similar situation. Have complete mistrust of this person's motives, and his family, Who were happy to pressurise you while pregnant.
Told my children, you do have a daddy, he is very busy working. When very little. Then other little while lies, like am sure he loves you, but he is not very good at being a daddy. I had to prepare them for the unreliable, drunk and pathological liar he is. In a way he proved me right to be cautious, they have contact now, in their teens, once a year, by his choice, and they get birthday cards. The door is open now they are much older, but neither side has chosen to take it further.
ladybird, that's just it, I could never ever trust this man's motives. Even though the message he sent is innocuous, there is something 'off' about the wording. And something simply odd about expressly asking for birthday/name. Even if not for stalking or benefit-fraud purposes, xp may have grand plans to turn up at my parents' house (he knows where they live) with a birthday present or something. Whatever, it won't just have been a genuine request for information about his child.
Let him go down the legal route if he wants to. This is one case where the change to legal aid may help - I doubt he will pay for legal representation although he can self rep. I am in a similar position but 8 years after he left. My exp just managed to get legal aid before the cut off, I have to pay as I support my DS by working as well at emotionally. It is crippling me and my exp knows that. The courts are very biased towards the father it keeps them all in a job as these cases are long and there are many of them as the decent fathers would never have done what they did in the past and there would be no need for court. It is all wrong. My DS has been very distressed by it all - my exp cares not - he hasn't even asked how DS is and when I mention the distress he says I am lying. You have very good reasons for your descions and your DC will understand that when they are older. Please don't feel bullied by the `the child has a right to see thier father' brigade. If that was always the case there would be no needs for social services.
Oh can I just add that when I got the first `strange' email I felt just as you did OP, the wording was `off' or `contrived' as I called it. Trust your instincts.
Thanks, better, I nc for this but have seen a thread of yours before. Your situation is a nightmare, hope you and your little boy are ok. Maybe your ex's luck will run out and he will be run over by a bus
here's hoping !
You're right that my xp is unlikely to pay to get access to my dc. It would suit him much better to get round me and arrange something informally. I'm not sure how much contact centre access to a toddler he has never met would suit xp, especially as it would mean no 'access' to me.
Must say, though, that I am worried about misjudging xp's intentions, and finding myself in court having to arrange contact. My dc would not cope at all with a contact centre situation. I would want to be with him. Which brings me back to wondering whether I would be better to agree to an informal contact arrangement in order to ensure that I would be with my dc ... Round and round in circles, eh?
* be with my dc when he meets his
We are doing ok thanks OP. You could still suggest that you supervise contact if it went to court.
I see, that's useful to know, thanks.
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