I love being a single mum, hate that my ex still has the control...(8 Posts)
I have been a single mother of 2 for over a year now and I bloody love it. I love my girls, love the time we share and the fun we have. Yes, its hard at times but that doesnt bother me anymore.
What I hate is that their dad still has the control. If he cant have them for his usual visiting times he can just text me and I can do nothing about it. He is now trying to get out of what he owes me for our dd's birthday. We agreed that we go halves and because her party came out more expensive then either of us thought he isnt going to pay the extra.
How can I get around this? There isnt a way is there?
How about changing your thinking. If he lets the children down over contact, then try thinking "Great! Extra time with the kids - let's do something nice together." If he's unreliable over money, then just stick with the CSA amount and budget to that amount... Perhaps he will always try and exert some sort of control - you can't change him but you can change the way you react to him.
I would say the only way around it is to change how you look at it.
He can only mess you about with paying for stuff if you need the money from him, if you alter how you think about it and see that you had a party for your daughter that she enjoyed and that you paid for and see any money that comes back as a bonus he cannot upset you by not giving it to you.
Over the last year since I split with my husband I have worked hard at altering my perspective on things so that what he does doesn't have the effect he wants it to have, its not easy and a lot of the time I really do need the money he's agreed to spend on things but being upset when he messes me about serves no purpose for me.
Trying to alter his behaviour is the route to a very frustrating future but training yourself not to care will bring you a future of happiness.
Agree with the others, your attitude is the only thing you have control over.
My ex is an abusive arse. I used to get really annoyed at being let down at the last minute, having to change plans etc. But now I decided that, while it's important ds knows who his dad is, it is actually better for him to spend only limited time with him so he doesn't get too much arsines off him. So now I tell myself it's good when he cancels as he is also shooting himself in the foot if he demands more contact, as he's not keeping up with what he has at the moment.
Always have a contingency of what dd will do if he cancels.
He's shown it's not amicable enough to go halfs over things, so next year you do the party on your own. Yes it'll be smaller scale but no agro, which is better for everyone.
My ex can be a bit like this - although he does eventually cough up, it can take AGES. It tends to be things like not paying his half of school photos for weeks on end that is the problem for me. Probably hopes I'll forget about it!
There's probably not that much you can do about the extra money for the party. I guess I'd try to focus on the great party your DD will have/ had aspect, but its not fair you're left footing the extra yourself.
Know what you mean about cancelling visits - really irritates me ex does this... usually its for his hobbies, and surely he should find seeing our child more important. Sweeping statement here but I think men in general are more selfish and like to put them themselves first!
Its the fitting around him bit that bugs me - we have no choice but to be the responsible ones. Grrr! We should be the ones in control, not them. Like the altering our perspective advice, will try that.
I think it is a positive thing you have tried to work with your ex regarding birthday parties etc. but it isn't working sadly so as others have said do not consider him in costs for things you choose to do for your DC. Contact wise, keep a log of the cancelations just in case moving forward things get worse. Isn't it wonderful they get to pick and chose and wo betide us if we don't allow them thier time when they want it.
Good luck with everything.
I agree with others. I planned and budgeted for both my children's parties this year. I didn't ask ex for any money. in the end he gave me half but it was very last minute and I suspect only because he realised he was making himself look bad. But Even if he hadn't given me any money, I was within my own budget. Therefore I felt it was a nice bonus that he paid up, rather than getting annoyed that he either didn't pay or bitched and whined about not being able to afford it (despite being on double the money I'm on...)
Any way, I digress!
Change your own reaction to him. It's the only way to stay sane
all very true...the only thing we all have complete control over is our feelings. People can try to hurt us, and sometimes it gets the better of us and out of frustration we need to vent (being a lone parent means you don't have that someone to chat with)...but as you say it's been 2 years and you love it, because you don't have to deal with the constant let downs, just the occasional ones...they always have those - it's just how they live their lives - think about it; when we were all together with our ex's we would be the ones that were always responsible, on call, and there when required - they often have something come up, or running late etc because they know that we will always do what is right! It won't change now, of course that doesn't make it any easier, but I've learnt to not raise my expectations too high as far as ex is concerned;) sorry for your vent, hope it helped x
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