It will get easier as the kids get older

(17 Posts)
SnoopyLovesYou Sat 06-Jul-13 01:05:43

A friend (with no kids) said this to me recently as regards my situation where I have no family support, a real pain of an ex, court residency battle due to be ongoing...

HOW is it going to get any easier?

My kids are both suffering from the contact they have with their father. I am not seeing any way out of my situation really. Sometimes people come out with these bland statements... I think it's just so everyone can turn a blind eye and not help me out...

Thanks for any insights. Children 7&4

2Retts Sat 06-Jul-13 01:42:37

Hey there SnoopyLovesYou...

I can totally identify and it does not feel easy in the begining at all. When I left my DC's dad they were 6 and 2 and it was hard as he was particularly abusive and used them as pawns in court battles etc.

Just hold fast and know that it does indeed get better! Do your best by your guys and look after yourself, try not to get too distracted by the 'sideshows' and concentrate on building a strong family unit...it can be done. A consistent family unit will ultimately be their security.

My side note would be, no matter how acrimonious it gets between you and the Ex, don't be tempted to influence their thoughts about that, they will see what's what in time and know that you did what's best for them...regardless.

Good luck, be strong and laugh lots with your guys.

Bluecarrot Sat 06-Jul-13 02:35:15

I've been lucky in that our split was amicable, but I have therefore no idea about custody etc.

Your friend may have been right in some ways- as your kids get older they will have better insight into the situation. DD is now 10 and since around 7 has been able to make decisions re contact that we have worked with.

You say they are suffering through contact - is there a counsellor related to the court case who can chat to them? Hopefully it could lead to supervised visits or very restricted access if they are at risk.

Sorry you are going through this. More people will be about tomorrow to give advice!

equinox Sat 06-Jul-13 06:01:18

As they get older they will be less reliant on you and more understanding and considerate too - hopefully you will be able to get out in the evening once one of them is 11 or 12 you can leave them for 2 hours and go to an evening class, aerobics class etc or have more money by then for a cheap childcare sitter. Teenagers can be helpful it is best to ask around e.g. local newsagents and pay them lower than a qualified sitter as at the end of the day they only need to oversee so not much to it really. Mine I pay £2 an hour but as I am so brass skint right now I don't really use her too much yet! However this morning for example, Saturday, now my son is 8, I know I can leave him daytimes while e.g. I go to the yoga class for one hour as it is right nearby and that way I am mixing with adults socially a little.

I hope this helps.

kittycat68 Sat 06-Jul-13 18:54:07

TBH i dont think people understand the stress of it all unless they have been through it themselves. People used to tell me " he will give up eventually and stop the games" but no eight years on and he still a complete arse. Again they dont understand if they have support how isolating it can be never being able to go out without the children etc.
Suround yourself with true friends not the ones who arnt there for you.
You have better things to spend your energy on. If you need a rant this site lets you do that also theres alot of people in a simular situation as yourself who will give advice and tips!!

lizzie479 Sat 06-Jul-13 20:54:49

Hi Snoopy, I am in exactly the same position as you (nasty ex no family support) and I do feel terribly alone and exhausted at times. My daughter asks me why I am so moody and often I know I have not smiled or laughed for days which I then feel guilty about! I take on too much though and should just let things slide around the house a little or stop rushing around with kids in tow and just chill out at home. I would say that it probably gets easier in some ways but harder in others. We will get more freedom and hopefully money, the kids will be less reliant upon us but I guess then we will probably worry more about them in the big wide world??? I find the key with me is to recognise when I am heading for burnout and rest!!! I know its a bit religious but my grandmother used to say 'God would not give you a cross that you could not carry'. She raised 10 children (four step kids and six of her own) while working part time and no help from her husband as he was housebound through disability. She had a tough life. You can do it snoopy and you are doing an amazing job! Sending you lots of hugs xxx

chickensaladagain Sat 06-Jul-13 21:03:47

I split with my ex when the dcs were 7&5

Now they are nearly 12&10 it is easier

Simple things like popping to the shop for bread or milk no longer require a battle to get both of them into coats and shoes -I can leave them at home, or send them, which ever works

They can take on more tasks in the house so I'm not doing it all myself

They understand that the rules at home are different to the rules at daddy's house

They are more responsible for making sure they have the stuff they need for contact visits

They also stay up later now and are quite good company so the crushing evening loneliness has massively reduced

Also I've had more practise at this lone parent lark so I'm more laid back about the little stuff that doesn't matter

It does get easier

SnoopyLovesYou Sun 07-Jul-13 07:57:35

I'm a bit worried that my ex will influence the children more as they get older and he will gradually turn the children against me. :-(

chickensaladagain Sun 07-Jul-13 09:22:06

Snoopy -my ex is a twunt of the highest order

I have always taken the moral high ground, refused to criticise him etc

My oldest has definitely figured him out by herself and my youngest is starting to get it

All I've done with them is loved them but been consistent and provided clear boundaries

SnoopyLovesYou Sun 07-Jul-13 18:48:46

Yes I don't criticise him to the kids or in front of them. It's such a long drawn out process and I just feel exhausted by it all! On top of this is a lot of grief from the past laying me low atm. Sometimes I'm not the parent I want to be. Today is a great day for me in terms of being a single mum. Everything's going my way. This past while though I've felt like I haven't been there emotionally enough for the kids. Worried because my ex really spoils them when he sees them. It's leading to sudden brattish behaviour and Daddy this Daddy that...

:-(

chickensaladagain Sun 07-Jul-13 20:31:51

We went through the daddy this, daddy that phase

And like all phases -it will pass!

He will get bored and/or realise he can't afford to be a Disney dad
They will get bored with the same 'treats' all the time

It's not easy, especially at your dc's ages but they do realise eventually

SnoopyLovesYou Sun 07-Jul-13 22:31:36

Oh my God 'Disney Dad.' Brilliant! Lmao

Runnerlegs Mon 08-Jul-13 14:00:12

Thank you for this thread.... it gives me hope! 6 years in to the battle and counting this end. Bloody twunts!

kittycat68 Tue 09-Jul-13 08:41:27

they shower the kids with gifts because otherwise they fear the children wont go for contact with them! Then people will realise what a shit parent they are. With men its all about repuattion, look at me i am great. the male EGO! I think they also do it becasue they know it causes problems when they get home to the PWC to cause upset, again re the EGO! it does get easier as children grow up and realise whats going on, as long as you let them know how much you love them and have a good routine and consistant boundries within your home you will come out the other end eventually but it can take time.

SnoopyLovesYou Wed 10-Jul-13 14:54:45

I probably have ok routine & boundaries compared to some people but feel really out of my depth sometimes!

FacebookAnonymous Wed 10-Jul-13 19:24:55

Yes to Disney daddy grin

Each stage is different - practically and logistically it is much easier when they get older.
Dealing with a twatty EX (especially with a twatty OW cheerleading behind) can mean that you get more bogged down in the emotional drudgery of ongoing battles. My advice is to disengage, don't get drawn into conversation about ANYTHING other then the basics of contact/financial support. Text or email only and preserve youe energy for your kids and being their rock.

SnoopyLovesYou Tue 16-Jul-13 14:16:57

Great advice Facebook. That's what I'm trying to do. Have even asked ex to stop texting me and just email.
:-)

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