CSA.. Shall I keep money?

(31 Posts)
rainbowfeet Sat 15-Jun-13 12:11:37

I am prepared for abuse so fire away!!!...wink

Little back ground... My ds is little over a year & was the surprise but happy event of a casual type fling. (Neighbors & friends 1st turned into a sex thing no talk of long term) anyway the Dad wanted me to terminate & I didn't/couldn't do that so chose to go ahead with pregnancy knowing I was going to be a LP (although secretly hoping he would come round to it)!

He didn't!!! Fast forward a few months.. Ds was 8 months, we had both been ignored by his dad. I had payed for & done it all by myself... Tired, emotionally drained & badgered by friends made a claim for CSA... He only then contacted me to have a go about that, made us going through DNA testing & refused to cooperate with them resulting in it being deducted from his wages!! Last month the 1st payment due but CSA said he hadn't earned enough for a deduction I assumed his boss (his mate too) was doing something dodgy & that annoyed me so I cancelled the claim figuring if he could go to these lengths then I don't want his money!!! hmm

Anyway payment has gone in my bank today (£200 + & as I've cancelled will be a one off) so do I draw it out & give it back to him??!! My principles is saying do it (although I am by no means well off), ds wasn't planned, I was on contraceptive injection but I chose not to terminate so should he have to pay... I just don't know really, taking his money has never completely sat right!! But obviously he is going to be angry because I should have stuck to that & never made a claim anyway... We are not on good terms that I could explain all that!! I feel like an evil cow!!! I wish he didn't hate me & reject my ds like this!! confused

Lioninthesun Sun 30-Jun-13 00:14:14

Keep it and put it into an account for DS if you don't need it for day to day funds for him.
Your ex sounds horrible but remember he can walk back into your son's life at any time, regardless of what he says now.
Your mum shouldn't be paying what a father should. It isn't fair on her no matter how happy she is to do so.
Agree that it is better to be able to say "he may not have seen you or bought you up, but here is all of the money he sent that I kept for your birthday!" - Your son will at least have one birthday present from both parents, even if it was your thoughtfulness that made it so.

starlight1234 Fri 28-Jun-13 14:11:50

keep the money, reopen the claim..Speaking to you and about your child like dirt does not mean he is not responsible....Your mum can spend the money on spoiling her grandchild...It us up to him to support the baby...

lottieandmia Fri 28-Jun-13 11:18:25

I think you should continue to make a claim against him as well as keeping the £200!

Whatever the feelings of the father about an unplanned pregnancy, he's still half responsible for the outcome of a child being created because we all know that contraception is not 100% effective.

HystericalParoxysm Wed 19-Jun-13 17:21:53

Definitely keep it. Save it for swimming lessons or something in the future if you don't feel comfortable spending it now. And reopen the claim!

Meglet Tue 18-Jun-13 14:21:27

Keep it.

XP pays a pretty large amount every month but luckily we haven't dealt with him in almost 4yrs. We ignore each other if we pass in the street.

And they get way more expensive as they get older. That tin of beans that lasted for 3 small lunches, it's all gone in one meal, same for bread, cereal and milk. The school shoes and trainers they need at school age, the activities etc.

chloesaidfred Tue 18-Jun-13 14:12:42

I would look at it this way. When your son grows up and asks about his dad's involvement in his life wouldn't it be better to be able to say something like "Sadly for his own reasons he wasn't able to have a physical presence in your life, but he paid £xxx each month towards your upkeep" Obviously the child will be raised to know that cash is no replacement for love and presence of a parent, but at least it's something to link the two of them and some sign of acceptance of his son's existence and his responsibility toward him.

Also, I second the poster who said about sending photographs of his development etc. too. and keep a note of it. Maybe do it on email? You'll be able to read up on it somewhere but most children who are estranged from a parent will go through a faze of blaming the present parent and if you can show what you did to encourage the relationship that will help you at that stage.

If your eally struggle with having the money each month, put it in an account for university or something. £200 a month for 18 years is £43k...

AllThreeWays Sun 16-Jun-13 01:31:02

It is a hard situation, and I understand where you are coming from, but yes, keep it, and continue to claim.
If it is any consolation, he could act like this for years and then suddenly decide he wants to see "his" DS. The courts would most likely allow some contact.
At least you wouldn't then be thinking " all these years you never even paid a penny and you think you can waltz back in"
Also it will be good for your son to be financially supported, it is not supporting you.

chitofftheshovel Sun 16-Jun-13 00:31:01

rainbow, that is utter horredness to say about his own flesh. I would say don't open doors to him but he is still financially responsible and to re-open the CSA claim. And lots of good luck.

Sh1ney Sat 15-Jun-13 23:28:46

If he truly said that about the baby then I take back the sending him updates etc. Just keep your claim in place and don't enter into any discussions with him. It is one thing to be vocal about not wanting the child, it is quite another to say what he said

rainbowfeet Sat 15-Jun-13 21:25:20

Yep, his actual words were... I hoped you would miscarry but as you didn't I hope the cunt of a baby dies at birth!!!... Total arse eh?!

Fuck why did it take me so long to get him out of my system!!

Bollocks I shall keep it & get on with our lives without him!!!

Thank you everyone, I need to man up a little!! shock

susiedaisy Sat 15-Jun-13 21:14:15

He hoped his own child died at birth?!?! Bloody hell what an unpleasant arse of a man!!

Keep it

betterthanever Sat 15-Jun-13 21:06:25

Keep it.

Sh1ney Sat 15-Jun-13 16:07:21

What he thinks of you is none of your business actually. Who cares? Put the money through CSA - it is his obligation to pay for the child he fathered - if he didn't want a child he should have taken precautions himself.

Babies cost very little- wait until he gets older and you'll wish you had sorted out the money NOW.

Stop messing about, get the claim in place , email him a photo and update every so often and reiterate that you welcome him to build a relationship with his child. And leave it at that

Kormachameleon Sat 15-Jun-13 15:45:18

Tbh I would get every penny I could out of him just to spite him

I do think it is awkward when a man is against a pregnancy and the woman continues regardless but assuming you didn't force him to have sex then he undertook that risk willingly

Had he acted better I would feel more sorry for him but he sounds like an utter cunt so I would make him pay in any way I could

wannabestressfree Sat 15-Jun-13 15:33:42

But without being mean it's not down to your mum to provide stability. And yes he should pay. Put the money away for your child's future

rainbowfeet Sat 15-Jun-13 15:31:44

But I can't see into the future for my ds to either say .. Yes mum you should have taken his money it's the least he could do or to say mum you made him angry by taking money that's why he never wanted to see me!!! It seems like I can't win!! I love my ds with all my heart, I already feel so bad that he's been born into this situation & I just want him to be happy & say that I did my best by him when he was growing up. hmm

ivykaty44 Sat 15-Jun-13 15:21:29

morally that money is your ds and not your money

rainbowfeet Sat 15-Jun-13 14:59:48

Ivykaty
Ds doesn't go without & will have a financially secure enough future thanks to my mum. It's more for me the emotional side that ds's Dad obviously feels nothing towards him & would only (after a fight) be paying because of the law not because he feels any responsibility or duty to ds which just makes me want to say.... Stick your money where the sun don't shine, we don't need you & live with your conscience!!!
He is either a really good actor or really is able to cut off his emotions.. When I was 1st pg I told him I wouldn't lie to child & he might have to face him/her when they are older & come looking for him.... He said he can cut off his feelings has done it before & will tell the child to fuck off!! If he can walk past us in the street, from where he lives to me he can hear ds cry & laugh & playconfused then He must be able to quash any parental feelings, I just really wouldn't want money from someone like that!!

ivykaty44 Sat 15-Jun-13 14:38:58

I don't think you have any rights at all to deny your dc that money, this money isn't for you it is for your dc

I think you should contact the CSA and put the payments back into place as well

I really don't see what rights you have morally to not secure this money for your dc - put it into account for your dc if you want but don't say no on behalf of your dc as to me that is very very wrong

Littleturkish Sat 15-Jun-13 14:37:15

It sounds awful. Have you got RL support?

Keep the money and reopen the claim.

Email updates of your son's progress and state clearly when he wants a relationship with his son and a fresh start, to contact you.

I really hope you're ok, it sounds like a really difficult situation.

rainbowfeet Sat 15-Jun-13 14:31:42

I tried so hard to keep things amicable... He last spoke to me when I was about 8 months pregnant & was really unpleasant saying he hope the baby died at birth & then nothing until he heard from the CSA (despite us being neighbours)! At that point I told him I had nothing to say to him now, he didn't ask to see ds or anything though. I just feel I'm dammed if I do & dammed if I don't!! If I keep it then he'll think im a money grabbing bitch who went back on her word not to ask him for anything & he can say he gave me money (barely the cost of his cot & mattress let alone everything else) & if I say to him I feel bad about involving the CSA & am sorry he will be cross anyway because of the stress it's caused him plus he still won't want anything to do with ds...

Littleturkish Sat 15-Jun-13 13:45:31

I think you have to put your feelings to one side and focus on developing a good relationship with the father and he needs to financially contribute.

Of course you should make a claim, he is equally responsible, burying his head in the sand is not going to make you and the baby go away. He doesn't have to have anything to do with you both (I know from bitter experience) but I'm sure he's intelligent enough to know raising a child costs money. You need to be business like about this, don't fret about him not wanting, not telling anyone, that's up to him. I know I sound harsh but having raised a child, now a young woman, on my own with no financial help from, at the time a willing partner, you need to put your baby first.

Just leave the door open for him, for your child's sake.

He should pay for his child. It's not about you it's about his child.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 15-Jun-13 12:27:01

Bloody hell of course keep it

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