Help!

(11 Posts)
HerrenaHarridan Sat 25-May-13 20:09:35

Op don't sweat the 50/50 thing, it's a threat to control you.

He doesn't stand a chance of getting 50/50 while your son is breastfeeding for a start. Also when they are little the court won't even consider it.

It's a common threat in afraid, my ex swore blind he would get full custody of dd "because you are a psycho"
He never even tried, he sees her for 2 hours a week at a contact centre, cancels in a regular basis and is never less than 20 mins late, for a 2 hour session!!!!!

You need to make a plan and so this sensibly, do you have anything stupid like joint accounts?

Speak to womens aid and they will guide you through the whole process.

Please op, listen to your heart, you don't want your ds to grow up thinking that is a proper example of how to behave!

PurpleThing Sat 25-May-13 19:47:15

It is hard. I think everyone who posts on this section understands just how scary and upsetting it can be. But do you want to be living like this for another 15 years? Do you want your dc to have a relationship like this,because you are showing him that this is what he should expect men and women`s lives to be like.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft? There is a section that helps you think about whether and how to leave.

ap1984 Sat 25-May-13 19:16:07

Thanks mums. I have been feeling like this a long time and to be honest I'm pretty much a lone parent anyway. I support us both and do everything anyway. I know I can't love like this forever. He's not an evil person and can be god when he wants to but unfortunately its not often enough and his controlling and putting me down as got me rock bottom.

My son is the centre of my universe and I'm walking on eggshells so there isn't a hostile environment for him to be in. If we argue there is shouting and swearing which is always blamed on me for pushing him too far - I am award this is not normal but its just so difficult making the transition especially when kids are involved x

kittycat68 Sat 25-May-13 13:18:38

rather than anouncing a split could you try a trail separtation maybe go to live with a freind or parents or something. I think you feel so swamped down with things that this is why you feel their is no way out. you need time to think the most. even if its a two week holiday away from your partner with your son it will give you the space you need to think more clearly to what you really want rather than a jump reaction.

if you then feel that you need to separate a least you know you have made the right descion. you then need to talk calmly to your partner about it dont let it turn into a tit for tat arguement.
It is possible that he will resent you and your money leaving him. but you wont know that for sure till it happens.

PurpleThing Sat 25-May-13 13:09:36

You need to make a plan to leave, look at places to rent, get free half hour with solicitor etc.

He may not be beating you black and blue but he does sound abusive - financially and controlling your movements. Speak to Women`s Aid, they are ace. Also tell your gp how low this is making you.

The fact that ds is in nursery when he is at home and he isn`t very involved in his care don`t give him a very good case for having him half the week. Keep a diary of his behaviour to you and ds for evidence.

Sounds like you do all the work yourself so you won`t find it a shock to be a lp. Plus you will feel real relief not having to put up with him in your home.

DeskPlanner Sat 25-May-13 12:17:18

Have you posted about him before ? He sounds awful. I hope you have someone in rl to talk to.

betterthanever Sat 25-May-13 11:06:41

Well you could just leave then - I would look into renting.
You need a really good chat with him - maybe with someone else there. Not in a hostile two on one situation but to get across you are serious, your health is being affected and it can't continue. Do you have anyone in RL who you can chat this through with?

ap1984 Sat 25-May-13 09:06:28

House is in his name as I moved in after he bought it and won't take mortgage on as its in negative equity.
We aren't married and don't share a car as I don't drive

ap1984 Sat 25-May-13 08:58:09

betterthannever thank you.
He thinks the roads bear our house are dangerous and doesn't like me to walk buggy on them (ridiculous)!
I don't think he will cope financially and yes that would be his issue. However he is very short (said its down to stress if not finding a job) and I sorry about leaving our son overnight

betterthanever Sat 25-May-13 01:36:26

ap Well, I can see why you want to leave and to be honest you know you can't stay.

Deep breath hun - it will be ok, which sounds flipant but the first step is to know it can't go on and you have come to the right place, my advice is nothing compared to what you will get from others - there are some great people on here. It is late so didn't want your post left unanswered.

I was going to ask you why you do all that but I know it is because you feel you have no choice. You do have a choice.

The bad news is, it may not be able to be resolved overnight but you can do it.

I think you should start to make plans to leave and if you can take it a step at a time it will save you grief down the line. If you just run he will retaliate I think.

If you have to put your DS in nursery and he is at home but can't cope do you really think he would want 50/50 care of him if you split? he is using that as a way to keep you doing everything for him. But you are right to consider it but it can't be a reason to stay. Having happy mum half the time is better than sad mum all the time for your DS.

It all needs splitting out really - house: do you own it? what other options have you got for living arangements? Car - do you not drive? I don't understand the bit about you not going out because the roads being too dangerous what does he mean? what does he do all day on Thur/Fri? money: how could you cope financially - forget his money worries he will have to deal with that including looking after DS 50% of the time.... yeah right!!

If you look at the entire situation in one go you will think you can't get out of it but you must esp. if it is making you feel so bad.

I am going to be off line for a few days now and feel bad for running now but others will come along soon.

Think positive, today is the day you start to make things better.

ap1984 Fri 24-May-13 23:06:15

He snaps and takes his frustration out on me. Said all I do is nag him but nagging gets me no where

I work Monday - Wednesday in a highly responsible position, its me who gets up with our son and breastfeed him every morning, then get myself ready, Our son ready, breakfast, feed dogs and cats (all while He is in bed). Then He drops me off followed by Our son (only reason our son is in nursery is because I don't think he could cope)! I then get home from work (He picks me up from bus stop) we collect Our son together. Get home and I give Our son supper, clean up (Hoover, mop etc) get his bath ready, bath him out him to bed which takes anywhere between 30-60 mins. Then make tea. Sometimes he will make take but more often I do it which means we don't eat until 8pm.

Thursdays and Fridays all I get is how he needs time to himself and he can't concentrate with me and my son in the house but get wont let me go out as he's scared of roads near where we live but then complains about driving me as he feels like a taxi service.

I do all the god shopping, washing, ironing, cleaning, organising or birthday pressies and paying for them. I have no time to myself and have never had a lie in past 7am. He has never and I mean never offered to get up with our son to let me lay in a whole longer not even when I've been poorly.

He complains that he has no time to himself to play in his studio yet he stays up until 3am every night playing on his playstation (I go to bed at 10pm so that's 5 hours more than I get)!

I'm so frustrated he never sees things for my point of view. If it wasn't for my son is consider suicide.

I work to pay the bills as he is unemployed (looking for work but little success). Although he will only do a job he wants. Wants to relate to London as he has no friends here but I don't drive and he selects me to give up my job, my friends my whole life so he can pursue his career ambitions and ill be a housewife!

I'm so stressed and upset as I'm sure my son picks up on it all

I don't know what to do. If I leave he wants 50/50 custody and I can't bear being without my son for so long

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