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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Have shot myself in the foot here

58 replies

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 20/05/2013 20:15

Suggested to ExH as we are sorting out our consent order that he ring the CSA so they can adjust his 1st wife's payments, knowing that he is also supporting our two children. Thought he could just tell them we have a private arrangement and they would adjust her payments.
However, they've calculated that he will need to pay me £180 less a month. He is, of course, pleased as punch about this. His answer to my fury ( as the money will come nowhere near the cost of childcare, let alone everything else), is to ask me to come back.
I am going to ask him to make it up to what he'd previously agreed to in a standing order, or stop him doing the school runs when his shifts allow, as I am paying the cm for those days anyway and I might as well get the service I'm paying for. DD doesn't want to see him anyway. So annoyed he could cheat his own children out of money they deserve.

OP posts:

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Raaraathenoisybaby · 20/05/2013 20:20

Working tax credits?

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 20/05/2013 20:48

I don't quality. I get child tax credits. I can't believe he would do hos own children out of money.

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PurpleThing · 20/05/2013 20:53

Point out to him that CSA is the minimum that he legally should pay. And that plenty of separated parents pay more than that plus half Childcare because they recognise that raising a child costs more than 15% (or whatever his works out as) of an income.

But he sounds like an arse so he probably won't accept it and will spend the money on himself. If you were really cruel you could say you were going to tell your dcs what he has done when they are older. Bet they will love him so much for denying them new shoes...

Flibbertyjibbet · 20/05/2013 21:00

You want his first wife to accept lower payments but you want your own payments to stay the same?

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 21/05/2013 07:54

Yes, since my dc are still in childcare, hers,aren't. She works full time, I'm part time. So yes, I think our needs are different.

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DoYouWannaDance · 21/05/2013 08:10

What you/she earns is irrelevant. Ages of children are irrelevant. The only factor that's relevant in working out maintenance is nrp income/number of children.
Older children tend to cost more as you will find out in time.
How would you feel if he went on to have more children and your payments went down? Because that is a possibility.

purpleroses · 21/05/2013 08:17

I think you have shot yourself in the foot really. Should have left it as it was. But then he could always have decided to reduce payments himself - what you have now is secure at least. And the CSA amount is what most people settle for and what he's deemed to be able to afford - given that he has to also give some money to his other ex. Your DCs don't "deserve" more than that unless he thinks he can afford to spend more on, and chooses to do so. It's not money that is owed to you.

But a bit shocked that you're considering preventing him seeing his DCs as a "punishment" for not paying more than the CSA say he should be making use of the childminder you're paying for . That's really not nice. And likely to shoot yourself in the foot further, as there's much more chance of your ex contributing a bit extra here and there if you at least allow him to look after them as much as possible.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 21/05/2013 08:43

He won't contribute anything here and there. DD already doesn't want to go as he shouts a lot. So I'm supposed to pay for a cm place and let him do the pick ups/drop offs instead, am I? He's not doing me any favours.

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Barbarashop · 21/05/2013 08:54

So if his payments go back up then will he still be allowed to pick dd up? He's paying what the CSA have recommended as you suggested he do with his first wife. When you were together, if CSA had suggested his first wife's payments drop, would you have been happy for him to top it up? They are all his children.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 21/05/2013 09:08

He did top it up as he was paying for school trips and I used to buy his daughters clothes and shoes. Mine won't get that.

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purpleroses · 21/05/2013 09:09

If he used to pay for school trips for his first wife, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same for yours?

kittycat68 · 21/05/2013 09:26

wilst children are not pay for view, i would not be paying extra monies for child care just so it fits in around his work schedule op.

unfortunately CSA payments for alot of women are a joke and go nowear near a reasonable contribtiion to a childs upbring.

I would however talk to your ex and explain the situation tell him you can no longer afford to indulge him in hi work schedules unless he pays the child care fees. I understand you are trying to do the best for your child in promoting contact but that should not come as a finacial oenalty to you. If hes a good dad he will step up to the plate if not.... well at least you know.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 21/05/2013 09:42

Because he has already told me he won't be paying for anything extra.

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kittycat68 · 21/05/2013 09:55

Then i wouldnt indulge him in the extra contact op, just tell him what suits you and your pocket. and do it.

iwantanafternoonnap · 21/05/2013 11:36

you wanted him to reduce payments to his first wife????? kinda serves you right

ThePavlovianCat · 21/05/2013 12:47

If you were happy with what you agreed, why did you recommend he contact the CSA? If it was so his payments to he previous XW would be reduced (something you shouldn't be sticking your nose into frankly) then that was pretty mean of you. You took the risk and it bit you in the bum. I doubt you are going to get much sympathy.

kittycat68 · 21/05/2013 15:51

O;p you tried to be helpful and nice to your ex and he shafted you! learn from it and dont put yourself in a vunerable position next time.

3xcookedchips · 21/05/2013 17:22

Pay me more money or you don't see the kids!

What kind of woman/mother are you?

balia · 21/05/2013 17:45

Contact should be agreed separately based on what is good for the kids, not as a bargaining weapon to get money. And if you can't believe he would do his own kids out of money, why were you asking him to do exactly that to his other 'own' children?

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 21/05/2013 19:23

Obviously a dreadful one! Imagine, wanting to be able to afford to buy a house with a garden. His first wife has managed to send both kids on school skiing trips and go on family holidays to Australia and Peru. I can't afford to go anywhere. So no, I don't feel bad about wanting her money reduced and if that makes me a bitch, I don't care.

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balia · 21/05/2013 19:58

Well, how about get a full time job like she has, then you might be able to afford to go somewhere, instead of wanting their money?

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 21/05/2013 20:01

I have tried to up my hours, none extra available. She didn't work full time when her children were small, why should I?
I actually can't believe it is seen to be unreasonable to want the same things his other children enjoyed when they were small. All I would gain from working full time is a bigger childcare bill.

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MisForMumNotMaid · 21/05/2013 20:02

Are you married? If so there is always spousal maintenance you could go for as part of divorce until youngest is in full time education/ about 6 that potentially you could claim if your deal was you were a SAHM whilst he worked.

iwantanafternoonnap · 21/05/2013 20:04

Oh god you aren't coming across at all nice. You begrudge her children stuff that she works hard for??? Your jealous and bitter about his ex and his other children?? You actually deserved to get your money cut by him as your attitude is disgusting

purpleroses · 21/05/2013 20:05

I can see why you're upset - because you and your ex had reached an agreement on what he would pay, but now that he's found out he doesn't have to pay that much, he's gone back on it and is paying less. Obviously that's really annoying.

But really don't think there's anything at all to gain by trying to get back at him by preventing him doing the school run if he's happy to do it. And regardless of what he's saying at the moment, if he has in the past paid for extras for his first wife's children (despite her earning a lot herself) then it's very likely that he'd do the same for yours too - especially if he's paying out less via the CSA than he'd expected.

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