feel shit- DS thought he couldn't ring me

[Booyhoo]

dcs were with their dad this weekend. when they got home they told me they stayed last night at EXP's parents' house. (they've never stayed there before) i asked if they had a good time. ds2 said yes but ds1 (7)said no. i asked why and he started crying and then said he didn't like it because he had to share a bed with ds2 and he pushed him out of the bed. we had a bit of a joke about it (oh silly ds2- all roll over and one fell out etc) but i could tell he still wasn't happy so at bedtime i spoke to him again and asked him if something had happened. i was concerned that his grandfather had maybe shouted at him as he has an awful temper and no patience/time for children. he says no-one shouted at him but he started crying again and just kept saying he didn't like staying there sharing with ds2 and that his cousin who hates him (his words) was there. i asked if he told his dad and he said yes and that dad said he had no choice he had to stay as his dad hurt his finger and had to go to hospital. so i told ds that next time if his dad tells him he's staying at nanny's then he can ring me and come home if he wants. he said he wanted to do that last night but thought he couldn't as one time when exp had shouted at him exp called me to come and get him as ds said he wanted to come home and i told exp that he needs to learn to cope with ds without losing his temper and sending him home. i also told ds that he needs to learn to get along with his dad and that sometimes parents do get cross (i sure do) but you just have to learn to deal with each other like he does with me when he's here. so ds took this to mean he wasn't supposed to ring me when he is at his dad's i'm so angry with myself for making him think that and to think he just wanted to come home last night and thought he couldn't. i've had a long talk with him and made sure he knows he can always ring me whenever he wants and i'm always here for him and that all i meant was that i cant be sorting out rows between him and his dad all the time. tbh though i think i'm struggling to find teh balance with that myself. i want them both to know that i am here day or night and of course they can come home if they want but i dont want to be undermining exp's parenting every time he shouts at them for something. how do i explain this to ds if i dont know how to balance it myself?

[Booyhoo]

btw i did go and get ds that time exp called me to. i told them they had to sort it out between themselves the next day after ds had slept and calmed down a bit. he was really upset.

[LouiseSmith]

I would maybe say, can you give him an old mobile one only for emergencies when he is with hid father so he can call you if he needs you. Maybe he is worried about mentioning it to his father or his fathers parents.

Try talking to the ex too, explain how he is feeling. What did he do to his finger that meant he had to go to hospital. That part seems rather odd.

Hugs x

[Booyhoo]

i've been thinking about a mobile actually for this very reason. i dont have an old one but could buy a very cheap one.

his dad has alot of trouble with his finger. it seems to break quite often over the past few years so i dont doubt that something happened again. the dcs said his finger was bent right back the wrong way and showed me on their own fingers. (i didn't question it they just offered this info)

things with exp have gone horribly downhill over the past few weeks since i had to involve the CSA as he stopped paying anything. he has taken umbrage to this and since then has been going out of his way to make things awkward for me. refusing to return ds's school uniform for school. teling me he wasn't having the dcs this weekend then turning up. not leaving them back today til 7pm when they're due back at 2 and he didn't take them to their football training or karate class. i think he probably would have called me to have the dcs last night if all this hadn't been going on this last few weeks so maybe felt he couldn't. i dont want to tell him to leave the dcs with me in future or tell him that ds doesn't want to go to his grandparenst overnight as i worry exp will purposelly send them there because i've asked him not to if that makes sense. it's just how he is. i've learnt not to ask him if i need anything for the dcs because he will then go out of his way not to help. like if he was due to have the dcs and i asked him to have them earlier as i had a course on then he would reply saying he couldn't have them at all! just because he knew i had plans.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I think you are going to have to start repeating yourself to your ex.

"The boys come first."

"Its not about what we want, its about what they need."

"We have to act like adults here."

Etc etc etc. Hopefully he will eventually stop playing these silly games and just be a parent. I did this, sometimes I think it worked.

Dont feel bad about your DS. (Hard I know.) You are in a difficult situation. You didnt do it intentionally. Its a fine line between not undermining their dad and them coming to you with anything.

[Booyhoo]

yep that's what i have been saying in any messages to him (he doesn't speak to me anymore) i tell him it's not about us, it's about the dcs but i dont think he can see it. he just seems to think that everything i do is to piss him off and it really isn't i would happily never speak to him but i have to convey message regarding the dcs and if they're not happy then as their parent i have to do something about it. i'm hoping this is just temporary hostility and that he'll get over being forced to pay child support.

i just felt so shit when ds told me what he did. he was miserable because of something i said. thinking i didn't want him here.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

:(

FWIW you sound like a fab mum. It was a misunderstanding, hopefully he will call you next time. (Would the GPs let him?)

[Booyhoo]

i think the gran would but i'm not sure ds would feel confident enough to ask her. i will tell him to though. i think he wouldn't want to have to explain to her that he wasn't happy at her house- understandable for a child. i think i will say the next time i see her (she collects them EOW) that i've told ds he can ring me from her house if he wants to so that she knows we've discussed it and wont be upset if he asks to. i'll do it infront of ds so he knows that i've told her and maybe feels a bit more confident to ask.
i'm going to give a bit more thought to the mobile idea.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Oh booy!

Kids misininterpret what is said to then all the time at least he's telling you this now and not in twenty years!!

He survived and next time a wee five pound phone and he can always give you a ring.

Honestly the amount of adults who come forward about sexual abuse that happened as children who when asked by their parents why they never told them say variants of "I thought you'd be mad at me!"

You didn't mean to give him that impression, bless him, you've set him right now.
Stop beating yourself up!

[Booyhoo]

"Honestly the amount of adults who come forward about sexual abuse that happened as children who when asked by their parents why they never told them say variants of "I thought you'd be mad at me!""

yep- that's me. my parents still dont know.

you are right. i'm so glad he was able to tell me today rather than hold it all in. and i did remind him that he can tell me anything he wants and it wont go any further if he doesn't want it to.

i'm going to get him a phone so he doesn't have to go through the whole thing of building up the courage to ask to ring me or having to explain to whatever adult it is why he needs to speak to his mum. i know if it was my mum she would let him call me but make it clear she didn't like it (she would take it as a personal insult) so he doesn't stay there anymore. but obviously i cant tell exp who he can and cant leave the dcs with. i've told ds that it's ok to tell his dad that he didn't like staying at his grans. but it really depends what mood exp is in whether he'll listen to him or not.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Me too

Definitely think empowering him to call you without asking /offending his dad /gran. Especially if you have concerns about his grandads temper.

All This debate about these phones aimed at 4-9 year olds seems to bypass the fact that it can empower a 4 year old to call nrp while at home or vice versa.

[Booyhoo]

Tbh i hadnt even considerd a phone fir him befire these past few weeks as exp has usually answered if i text beforehand to say i want to speak with dcs but j just dont trust him now to do that. Time for that conversation about phone safety and who its ok to give his number to etc