Advice please. Ex only wanting kids when 'Convenient'

(10 Posts)
kittycat68 Wed 22-May-13 08:46:24

mummy abroad: i totally agree with all your comments.

MummyAbroad Wed 22-May-13 01:49:44

I have a very similar situation to the OP, my ex basically turns up late, cancels at the last minute, refuses to have them if they have runny noses (its "too difficult when they are ill", and recently has refused to take the youngest as he is potty training and that is "too much hassle") angry

Not living in the UK, I dont have the option of going to mediation (I wonder if I would do this? It's basically would be like giving them an ultimatum wouldnt it? 'shape up or dont bother at all')

However when I first split up with my ex, I was given (IMO) a great bit of advice from a counsellor I saw at the time, she said to realise that I cant make ex be a perfect parent, and shouldnt try to, I shouldnt "cover" for him (ie says things like "I am sure daddy is stuck in traffic that's why he is late"etc) and that one day my kids would realise for themselves what he is like. Obviously that wont be nice, and I am prepared to be there for them, but it seems right that they should get an honest picture and that none of us should have false expectations. He is late, untrustworthy, unreliable etc, and when he demonstrates it I dont cover for him, just comfort my kids and let them know that its normal to feel disappointed or angry if someone treats you like that.

I sincerely hope they wont grow up treating people like this (both boys)

..and at the risk of spinning this thread off on a tangent about sexism/men against women/ my opinion is that it is not mothers who make boys turn into sexist men, it is other men who tell boys/men that it is OK to disrespect women.

balia Tue 21-May-13 17:54:14

Whereas sexism is sooo invigorating! hmm

My ex did loads of this and there's no easy answer. I did try shaming him into it by having a very frank chat and cutting into all his BS about how he'd walk in front of traffic for her etc. I told him he could talk as much as he wanted but if he didn't make the effort to see her she'd know he didn't give a toss. Like many strategies, it worked for a while.

If they're old enough for him to be making plans with on the phone, can you insist he tells them himself? Might guilt him a bit?

I do think, looking back, that keeping the relationship going was for the best - DD has no illusions about her Dad, got a great relationship with her SM out of it, and got to make her own, informed choices.

kittycat68 Tue 21-May-13 15:40:53

Lost dad why do you turn everything into men against women its soooo tiring!!!!

lostdad Tue 21-May-13 12:58:02

kittycat68 - little bit of a sexist comment perhaps?

Does that apply to your own DC assuming they are male? Or just the rest of the 50% of people on the planet? wink

kittycat68 Tue 21-May-13 09:17:11

i often wonder if men ever grow up! it seems that so often they are a child in a grown ups bodygrin.

personally i blame their mothers for bring them up this way, but i suppose they lived in a world where women looked after the males and dotted on them hand and foot.

I would not stop the contact, i know its hard to watch your children suffer, but they have to see what there dads really like one day, they will learn from it and hopefully not treat there own children this way.
if you stop the contact he will only blame you and make it out to be your fault to the children.

Misspixietrix Tue 21-May-13 01:19:40

Thanks Everyone. He's meant to be having them again this weekend, I can't see it materialising to be honest and I'm going to be beyond cross if he lets them down again. I'm going to ring and remind him tomorrow and if he lets them down, that's it I'm going straight back to the Solicitor.

meglet The mediation officer said it was not up to the non-resident parent to only see their children when it fitted around their social lives / hangovers, the kids come first and need stability. XP refused to commit to that.

^^It's as if you're describing DC's Dad! grin.

Will let you know how I get on ~

IneedAyoniNickname Wed 08-May-13 22:24:15

My ex is the same, makes me so fucking angry.

He only used to have them Sunday daytime, couldn't have them overnight r for dinner as he lived wit his dad , and wasn't allowed.

Then he moved in with his gf (of 1 week) and started having them every other sat night, and every Sun. 2 months later this stopped as his gf was pg and had morning sickness (not sure what they think I do when I'm ill) he then had them once or twice overnight, but stopped again, as they are 'getting the house ready for baby' (which isn't due for 5months). He said he's having them this eweekend, said not asked! But time will tell!
He has also cancelled on them, (although not until I texted to ask what time he'd be there) telling me something had come up. I later found out he was enjoying 'family day' at the seaside with his fucking gf and her dc.

(sorry I find it hard to be polite about a woman who is happy to slag of her feckless ex, while allowing my ex to be just as bad.)

I often think, and am told by everyone, that I should put my foot down, but I'm a pushover!

meglet Wed 08-May-13 21:46:20

I'd put my foot down, arrange mediation or a contact centre. I did just that when I was in your position, XP messed us around for months and would often kick off when he saw the dc's. So I stopped it and arranged for mediation, which he got kicked out of by the officer and we've never seen him since. That was 4yrs ago.

The mediation officer said it was not up to the non-resident parent to only see their children when it fitted around their social lives / hangovers, the kids come first and need stability. XP refused to commit to that.

Misspixietrix Wed 08-May-13 14:55:36

I've been to my Solicitor about this before and they've said basically they can't force him to see them.
He was emotionally and physically abusive and it's been really hard to keep in contact with him but I've done so for the benefit of the DC's. He's gone from regularly having them once a month to having them one weekend in two months if they're lucky. He's being doing this on and off since before Christmas butThe last time for example whenhe had them he brought them back a day early than planned and literally gave me 30minutes notice, thankfully I managed to control the fallout with the DC's and they weren't majorly upset like they were the last time he did it but it's getting a regular thing and confusing the DC's.
I stopped telling them as it was setting them up for dissappointment but he told the DC's himself on the Phone Monday that he was having them this weekend and then popped over this morning to tell me he's changed his mind as he's 'busy' hmm. I feel like I'm giving him too many chances but at the same time recognise he and his DC's still need a relationship.

Would you put your foot down or am I just being a bit precious? <dons flak jacket>

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