advice

(13 Posts)
Turtleshell Thu 25-Apr-13 14:49:44

My DS is 11 months, and his dad now see's him 2-3 hours a fortnight after more sporadic contact before. At 7 months he started paying £100 maintainance a month, after saying he couldn't afford the £180 the CSA calculator said he should be paying. He agreed that after 2 months he would raise it to £150. This still hasn't happened, but I don't know how to bring it up without sounding really "grabby". He has already made comments about "not needing that much money." and told me to put all the left over money in DS's account not "keep it for myself", and asked for he account details to make sure there was enough going in each month.

How can I ask him to raise it like we agreed without him getting confrontational? Any advice of what to say to keep it calm but get results would be helpful.

NoSuchFairytale Thu 25-Apr-13 15:16:13

Give him a breakdown of what your ds may need during that month - explain why you need the increase. Is there a reason he hasn't gone up to the £150 yet despite agreeing to? If he still doesn't listen/agree then I'm afraid you'd have no option but to tell him that you're going to have to go through the CSA as you are by their calculations he should be giving you the £180.

Sh1ney Thu 25-Apr-13 15:18:28

Don't give him a breakdown ! Good god - you're not accountable to him. He pays the correct amount and that's about the long and short of it

Stop justifying yourself to him and put it through CSA . End of. No need to negotiate the non negotiable with him

Turtleshell Thu 25-Apr-13 15:21:09

I think it's just because he's hoping I won't bring it up after him going on and on about how it's too much and making me feel awkward about it.
He doesn't have any money problems as he's been on holidays abroad 3 times already this year, but I think he see's it as giving me money rather than it being for our son.
Should I write a list of what baby bits he needs on average and their costs for him?

Turtleshell Thu 25-Apr-13 15:22:52

Sorry x-post. I don't want to put it through CSA if possible, as he can get quite nasty, and I don't want to provoke him to take it out on DS to get back at me. How do you think I could word it?

NoSuchFairytale Thu 25-Apr-13 15:27:15

Sorry I should have been more specific. I agree with Sh1ney to a point. Don't break it down as such but explain that kids are bloody expensive and need such and such - Which escalates over the £100 mark.

TBH, though, if the CSA say you are entitled to £180 just tell him that. He can be confrontational as much as he likes. It's what they state he as to give you. End of.

itwillgetbettersoon Thu 25-Apr-13 16:19:48

I think you should go back to the CSA. £180 to support a child isn't much. If the child lived with him it would cost more. It doesn't get cheaper as they get older either, clubs, swimming lessons, Sch meals are £10 a week etc so get the finances sorted properly now. Personally I think the % allocated by the CSA is too low but that is a different argument! If they say £180 he should pay £180.

kittycat68 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:22:29

csa calculations are the MINIUM payments . Most NRP seem to forget that. NRP get the better financial deal by only paying a small percentage of their childrens costs.
Op if you let him continue to control you like this he will carry on doing so for many years to come. But i would consider your battles carefully with him stick only to thoose which you consider to be of upmost importance. I suspect your ex will continue to agrue about child support for many years to come so i would definately go to the csa and let them deal with it.

DoYouWannaDance Thu 25-Apr-13 18:21:37

Please don't even consider giving your ex a breakdown of costs. He's just trying to control you. Besides it would pretty difficult to do, as well as food (the cost of which will significantly increase as your child gets older), clothes etc. you've got the cost of paying for a 2 bed property, heating it, hot water etc. Then you've got childcare costs, extra curricular activities, not to mention the big stuff like beds/birthdays etc, the list goes on.
You really need to go to CSA, if he's volatile then I'd suggest someone else doing handovers, perhaps a relative and having no direct contact with him again.
And whatever you do do not under any circumstances give him your bank account details.

oopsadaisymaisy Thu 25-Apr-13 18:25:04

Another one here suggesting no breakdown. Go through the Csa for at least the minimum entitlement. Your child will need it.

Sh1ney Thu 25-Apr-13 23:20:01

Trust me, he'll get nastier with you bowing and scraping and providing him with child costs. It makes no difference if you blow the lot on lip gloss and loose men. It is YOUR money and this money is to maintain your child... it goes a very small way towards your child's 'share' of rent, water, heating, food, toys, trips, etc... all your housing needs that your child needs etc.

Don't explain to him that kids are expensive... what is he, a complete idiot? He is just trying to use this as a stick to beat you with, it's a nice little control method. And yes, a lot of NRP dislike handing over money. Well, thats' just bloody wah wah wah isn't it?

Cut ties with this man as far as you can. Polite, distant, contact relevant to your child is the way to go. Keep it to email. don't chat on the phone. Just call CSA and they will sort it out. Yes, he will be unhappy but far better to do this NOW than years down the line.

Be decisive and you wont regret it

PurpleThing Fri 26-Apr-13 03:52:17

Agree with the others. He is being an arse. If you suspect he is being cruel to ds you should stop contact. I know that sounds harsh but a parent who hurts his child to get at the other parent is not good news for a child.

It isn't provoking him to ask for what you are due. It isn't your job to do anything and everything to keep him happy. Please keep telling yourself that.

It is hard I know but stand up to him. How is ds going to feel when he's older to know that his dad didn't pay the minimum for him? Email him and say 180 is the minimum he should give you as his contribution to raising him. Set up a direct debit by the end of the month please. If he doesn't do this voluntarily, you will go to CSA. If he starts any of his nonsense ignore. Tell him email only, not phonecalls unless in an emergency.

The things he has said to you are horrible and controlling. He thinks he is entitled to tell you what to do and give you whatever HE feels is reasonable. There is no way you can phrase this nicely to suddenly make him have a change of heart and start treating you decently. Have you spoken to Women's Aid - they could maybe 'hold your hand' while you go through the process of telling him.

Have you thought of keeping a diary of his bad behaviour. Just in case it escalates and you do end up limiting contact, it is good evidence.

Like others have said, do not break down costs. And dont be putting money in DSs savings just to please him. What nonsense. £100 pm doesnt even cover it. There is no left over.

He is to pay £180 and its got nothing to do with him how you spend that. You are not being grabby either. He is just as much a parent as you are. He should be paying.

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