Post-contact anger

(8 Posts)
ridiculoussingle Tue 16-Apr-13 18:52:40

Does anyone else's child go through this? And if so how do you deal with it?

DS is 6, and every time after he sees his dad (EOW) he is so angry afterwards. It usually takes a couple of days of him being cross and argumentative and REALLY pushing me until he settles back into his usual delightful self. I've tried talking about it, usually by talking about an invented person going through something similar, but he doesn't really open up (this is normal for him, hes one of those kids that doesn't tell you about what he did at school or at a friends house).

For background info, I broke up with his dad when ds was 1 1/2, and can't really talk to his dad as he's quite useless, tells me what he thinks I want to hear, and can get quite arsey. I gave up asking him to call ds in the week as he either wouldn't, or (much worse) would tell ds he would and then wouldn't.

I just really feel for ds. His dad often lets him down, cancelling or rearranging, and I think he feels rejected and pushes me as it's safe for him to do so. I reassure him loads, and try to give him strategies for expressing his anger, but it's so wearing. I'd love to be able to talk to him about it but can't find a way in.

Does anyone else's children behave in a similar way? Any ideas on how to deal with it?

IneedAyoniNickname Tue 16-Apr-13 22:17:17

Hi, my ds1 (8) is the same, although it's got less and less. He used

IneedAyoniNickname Tue 16-Apr-13 22:18:25

Sorry, hit post!

He used to come home from his dads, shouting at me

IneedAyoniNickname Tue 16-Apr-13 22:27:32

Ffs, bloody phone,hit post again!

He used to come home from his dad's, shouting at me that he hates me etc. This coincided with his dad meeting and moving in with a new woman. Has his dads living arrangements changed?

I tried speaking to him, but like your son he doesn't open up much. In the end I spoke to school as I was worried about the long term effects on his mental health

The school arranged for him to speak to the pastoral carer, who found that he was worried his dad didn't love him anymore, and was taking that fear and anger out on me as he knows I'll always love him, but is worried his dad won't so wouldn't tell him how he felt.

Keep reassuring your son that you love him, and maybe try getting someone else to speak to him?

cestlavielife Tue 16-Apr-13 23:38:32

Ride it out... Don't get upset by it.
Don't talk directly about rather sit and play with his toys figures teddies etc see where his story goes role play.

Do drawings, ask him to draw himself, then dad then mum then comment eg oh dad has a lovely smile (or not)

Sit and draw with him, draw a house ask him to draw one ask him to describe whose whose who lives there etc...

If it is becoming a. Big ssue ask gp to refer for play therapy where someone trained can do this kind of activity ina more structured way ..to him it will be play but a trained person can work ina few sessions on getting him to express his thoughts and feelings and feed back to you.

cestlavielife Tue 16-Apr-13 23:39:54

Some places you can a telephone consultation with a child psychologist I did this it was really useful they gave written feedback too...we now going. Family therapy my dds and this is really good.

My Ds (age 7) is seeing a play-therapist via school. Their sessions are confidential unless safeguarding is needed. DS can discuss with me conversations but the play therapist wont!

I have to say from the title I thought oh good other mums are like me. I get so cross (with ex) after DS has contact with his dad. There is a lot of manipulation going on and I do get the brunt of that so DS will tell me he hates me if I ask him to do something ordinary like homework! Of course I have to bite it and not say anything but that does get hard.

I now know to expect it so I go easy the first day back - slow and sure. Lots of giggles, laughter, play smile

ridiculoussingle Sun 21-Apr-13 18:08:37

Thanks everyone for your replies. I couldn't reply as I was on my phone for the past week...
veryconfused - has your ds's anger eased up now you're taking it so easy the first day back?
Ineedayoni - has talking at school reduced the anger your ds was feeling?
Well, I guess it's reassuring to know it's not exactly unusual. I've spoken to school and they said they'd get a pastoral support worker to talk to him, though I'm not sure how much he'll open up. Some other good comments about play to draw out his worries, but I did it this week with his dragons and he just got his little dragon to make daddy dragon a daddy's day card sad
It's always been a problem, but my new bf and I have also just introduced our kids to each other, so he could be feeling more vulnerable anyway sad
It's so horrible. It's hard enough doing everything on your own without all this added anger on top of it sad

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