Contact arrangements for our two year old little girl

(36 Posts)
Carlar1978 Wed 10-Apr-13 11:18:30

Me and my husband separated last February (he left for another women) our baby girl was 16 months. We have been to mediation re arrangements but he wasnt happy with arrangements so He is taking me to court now I won't get legal aid. I have offered and has been happening for 12 months Tuesday over night stay and once a weekend either every Friday or Saturday and also let him see her Thursdays for a couple of hours. So obviously he is getting plenty of access. He is taking me to court re: I say as she is so young he can take her away for long weekend but not full week until she is 5 years old and can understand she is going on holiday and returning to mommy. He also wants her every other birthday and every other Xmas and four weeks holiday a year. I have an elder daughter aged 13 which doesn't want nothing to do with him as he left so suddenly and she had her surname changed into his two weeks before he walked out on us and is angry he did this and then left! Can this control freak get what he wants. I will have to represent myself in court. Help????

balia Thu 11-Apr-13 13:21:17

I don't think the majority of posts are trying to make out that you are trying to spite your ex at all. People have bothered to take the time to gently and sensitively point out that your judgement about this may not be entirely objective and that from their own experience (of being in this situation, going to court etc) what your ex is asking for is not unreasonable. They are trying to help you. There are lots of practical things you can do to make this situation better for both your girls - ranting on the internet about how everything is your ex's fault and using very emotive (and TBH offensive to some of us) language like 'happy families' and 'dirty affair' doesn't help them, and certainly isn't going to make them feel happy or content.

There is a wealth of experience, intelligence and humour on here that you may find hugely helpful, but you have to be prepared to listen to people and accept some compromise.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 12-Apr-13 07:00:24

The thing is you have actually given no valid reasons why your ex should not have the level of acces he is asking for and it seems to be just because you dont want to. i dont think the court will think thats a good enough reason. your feelings do not come above your childs need for a relationship with her father.

YoniYoniYoniOiOiOi Fri 12-Apr-13 07:04:26

You need to,adjust your thinking.

It's not about what access you GIVE him.

It's about the level of contact your daughter is entitled to have with her dad.

If it goes into court I think it's unlikely, on the face of what you have written here, that your ex would be denied the contact he is requesting.

StupidFlanders Fri 12-Apr-13 07:30:03

I also agree that he sounds reasonable. My dcs were 50:50 at a younger age and never struggled with not understanding holidays or being away. They also have siblings that stay with me. We alternate Xmas and special occasions.

TheFallenNinja Fri 12-Apr-13 07:45:35

Is he a bad dad?

lostdad Fri 12-Apr-13 09:46:23

YoniYoniYoniOiOiOi is right.

It's about your daughter - not your ex (or you for that matter).

If you are `stopping your ex seeing your daughter' it's better to frame it `you're stopping your daughter seeing her dad'.

Contact is for her benefit - not his! If you stop contact to teach him a lesson - you are punishing her not him.

A question for you: As your daughter is his as much as hers...what gives you the right to unilaterally make decisions about what is in her best interests...as opposed to compromising with her other parent to act in her best interests? The fact you are not with him is irrelevant - you're still her mum, he's still her dad and the best thing for her is you both working together.

He should be your best ally - because surely you both love your daughter???

ladydeedy Fri 12-Apr-13 14:32:45

You are being unreasonable and a bad parent by acting in a way whereby you think you OWN your daughter and can "allow" your ex to see her only when you decide. As Balia has so eloquently pointed out, people are trying to help you on here. You are clearly very angry and not at all happy about the situation. That's obvious. But to use your own anger to try and "punish" your ex is wrong.
What's done is done. Blame is not relevant here, nor is the fact that your husband left you, nor the fact that he had an affair etc. You need to consider the longer term. You have your daughter with you the majority of the time. He does not. I think you are being selfish and immature, to be perfectly frank, and your children will grow up with a twisted view of what relationships and families are all about if you continue in this vein. Sorry,

Pinkshaman Fri 12-Apr-13 18:37:24

I think calling the op a bad mum is a bit harsh. I agree that it's not her place to say whether and when contact happens. But I can also understand her concern about him having the child for extended periods if he isn't able to settle her and drops her back at her mums as she has described.

Carlar1978 Fri 12-Apr-13 23:10:12

Ladydee! You haven't got a clue what your waffling on about.. Even my ex husband would put you right there! Bad parent. What an absolute idiot. I can understand constructive criticism but your Just on the wind up. I could call you a shit parent but what the hell do I know about you. Prat, who made you lady know it all!!

balia Sat 13-Apr-13 09:45:35

OK, so you've picked on the most critical of the posts and had a rude little shout about it - now, are you going to engage with any of the other posters who have offered advice/constructive criticism? Are you going to reconsider your position given that the overwhelming consensus is that you are unfair on your DD to deny the reasonable access Dad is asking for?

newbiefrugalgal Sat 13-Apr-13 10:00:37

I'm not going to get into the bickering and I don't know your situation OP.
but from what is said he what he is asking might be what the court will agree.
Are you in a financial position where you can afford to lose this money?
Can you sit and think on it for a bit? Ask ex for some time.
He has hurt you and what he has done is shit (I know how you feel!) but unfortunately you can't take that out on him through access.
Karma must be heading his way!

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