Overnight visitation ( quick question )

(9 Posts)
leaharrison11 Tue 26-Mar-13 07:59:11

My DS is 16 months old his farther wants overnight visits yet hardly bothered with him and says he want it to upset me.

Does he need his own place or is him living in a bedroom in his nans house with major illness acceptable by law ??

lostdad Tue 26-Mar-13 09:09:31

Anything is acceptable if you agree it. He doesn't need his own place - there are a lot of parents (including mums on this forum!) who live with their parents or other relatives for at least a while.

How would his nan's illness put your DS at risk?

If your ex is flakey when it comes to contact routine is important for your DS. Not turning up when agreed or turning up out of the blue and demanding to take him away isn't on. Something agreed, regular and reliable is best.

If you can't agree something with him try mediation - seriously. Google National Family Mediation and contact them. You will be able to discuss your concerns, he'll be able to discuss his (in separate meetings) and then you'll be brought together to work something out.

Don't get involved in court or the like, eh? It's the worst possible outcome for all concerned especially your DS. If you think your ex is a bit flakey now you'll loathe him with an intensity you didn't think possible by the end of it and he'll think the same about you.

leaharrison11 Tue 26-Mar-13 10:07:07

It wont affect DS i was feeling bad for his nan as she has a very small home and is very ill ! I tried for mediation hun but ex declined it so couldn't move forward ! Oh he doesnt try and turn up and see DS its hard getting him to come at all , he has sais he only wants over nights to upset me he is also going away for 6 months travelling in june and i think since he is leaving why upset DS routine and i also think its horrible he is leaving DS for 6 months then will come back and accept to play " dad " again

lostdad Tue 26-Mar-13 10:30:56

Make sure you get all this in writing. If he decides he is going to use court as a weapon against you it will help to be able to demonstrate you have remained child-focused (hopefully you'll have documents that show he refused mediation too).

It is a hard one. Forget what your ex wants, don't be bullied and act entirely in a child-focused way. If by some miracle he sorts himself out and starts actually being a decent parent it will benefit your DS. Some people do sort themselves out so you should leave the door open so to speak.

Speaking as a father who had to fight his way through court to stay in his son's life I would just like to say behaviour like this was thrown in my face repeatedly (and still is). angry

leaharrison11 Tue 26-Mar-13 11:00:28

Yeah iv got the letters and iv saved alot of txt messages to ! Its took almost a year for him to have DS 5 hours a week ( 2 he sleeps for ) because he threw a phone why i was holding DS at 4 mo , i have also had to push contact on him as i want DS to have a dad but he just keeps letting me down and i wont lie i dont want him to have overnights he says he hasnt got a bond wit DS he says he does his head in because i mummy him and he has never give him a bottle or cooked him food i have to send DS with a packed lunch , and with him leaving doesnt make me think its worth my son getting used to being away ( he is in portage going there asperges diagnosis) for two months for him leave ! My son loves routine ! I understand he can change and i keep the door open hoping but its hard and i can only hope ! Did u win ur court battle ? That must of been horrible

lostdad Tue 26-Mar-13 11:45:11

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. wink

`Win' isn't the word in my situation. My son is with me 40% of the time. It took 5 years and 15 hearings to finish with my ex dragging my son 300 mile across the country to get me out of his life and my following.

The worst thing? She wouldn't mediate. She wouldn't compromise at all outside of court but in it...she would. It cost her thousands of pounds (not me...I did it all myself), years of work and lasting enmity between us...and despite all of it he still ended up with me a lot of the time. I am convinced that I could have done the whole `shared parenting care and 50/50 time division' thing, but it was never a numbers game to me.

Now my son asks for more time with me and I have to talk him down because I know it'll be another court fight to do that - she'll never agree because she has to be `the main parent' (as she has told me repeatedly). hmm

leaharrison11 Tue 26-Mar-13 12:24:01

Very true qoute, do you with him going away for 6 mo will he get in trouble as we have a solicitor agreement that he has DS 5 hours on a sunday !

Well sounds like ur hard work as paid off in the end grin

lostdad Tue 26-Mar-13 12:28:33

He won't get into any trouble for that sort of thing. He will be shooting himself in the foot by doing that - he can hardly argue that you're not acting in the best interests of your DS if he's doing that son.

The only thing he could do is take you to court, but in light of what he is doing he'll look pretty silly if he tries....

leaharrison11 Tue 26-Mar-13 12:56:05

Yeah im more than happy to try over nights when he gets back and DS gets used to him again ! My son having a farther is a huge deal to me ! But with DS having a few problems i dont think its right to upset him for 2 months and the for him to not see His dad for Half year i think it will be to much for him as going to see his dad for 5 hours really upsets his routine and he struggles for the sunday night and monday because of the difference in routine ! But when he is back and if he wants to see DS overnight i would 100% allow it

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