Thanks for all the feedback. The back story:
It's been a very unequal relationship which was allowed to rot away at everything. Before the DCs I had a well paid job. I paid the mortgage alone and paid for expensive training courses to support DP's IT career. When I had DS 1, I wanted to be a full time mum and so gave up my job. DP agreed but expected me to be a 'traditional housewife', which meant even at weekends I was expected to do all the cooking/cleaning etc etc. For a whole catalogue of very silly reasons, I agreed to this. DD to came along a few years later and had some major health problems. Around that time I really started to feel resentful towards DP. I was exhausted and although he 'helped' in terms of playing with the kids and taking them out, was the bread winner, did all the financial stuff, I was still expected to do all the actual hard graft in the house. DD had a colostomy and major bowel issues and having a toddler at the same time. It was really hard. Financially, DP refused to have a joint bank account and I had no money. If I needed anything I had to ask for it. Usually he said yes , but it was awful to have to ask. I just got child benefit and tax credits which went on groceries most of the time. He was and is a heavy smoker and I felt and still feel resentful about how much money he spends on fags. I really, really went off him sexually and tried anything to avoid having sex. About 6 months ago a discovered that for years he had been having online affairs with women where he exchanged personal info about me and the DC's - our names, ages, problems, even a photo of him with the DC that I took of him on holiday - exchanging this info in the same emails and then writing graphic sexual transcripts of what he would like to do to these women. It would usually be the women asking how our children were - BY NAME and how XXX's (mine) nerves were - referring to the fact that XP had told her about DD's forthcoming operation. Then there were be some exchange of something she had filmed/written for him or vice versa - although I never saw evidence that DP had sent films, only sexual transcripts. All this IN THE SAME EMAIL. I confronted him and whilst he apologised, he still blamed me to quite a degree for 'sexually starving him'. He also sent a sex text to my friend which he lied about. Perhaps if he had helped me tidy the house once in a while, cooked me a meal instead of staying up till the small hours doing that stuff, maybe I would have been more open to the idea. He used to come home from the pub drunk and pull me out of bed, shout at me, punch things near me because he was so cross about me not having sex with him. He used to threaten me about living in a council flat saying "go and live on XXXXX if you're not happy". When DD started school I retrained and started working full time. It was such a relief to have a small bit of financial independence. I tried to sort out the inequality by having a joint bank account, but he still refused and I think a big reason was because of the amount of money he spends on fags. The inequality was still there. He started doing more around the house because I worked but only because I wanted him to, he said that because I don't do the commute that he does and less hours, he should be coming home to an ordered house with no jobs. I missed a day of work as DS was ill. I said to DP that we should share taking days off when the kids were sick because despite the differences in pay, our careers and jobs were equally important to he other. He refused and still now after we have broken up has said he will never under any circumstances miss a day of work to look after the DC's as it's my job not his.
He is great at playing with the kids, sorting out cars, fixing family members PC's, popping down the shops with a list I have written (as long as I'm doing some other job whilst he's gone), earning money which he manages himself. That were his duties.
On my part I am guilty of being a crap house wife TO HIM. I've taken bloody good care of our DC . I am guilty of being withdrawn from him. I reached a point where I would recoil at his touch. I lived in this fog for years in denial about how shit it was and too scared to do anything about it. I'm not scared any more and I have done the only thing that I could - leave him. To flubber - I have devoted the last 8 years to my DC's care. My DD had major health problems and is now thriving. They both are. I have now fought tooth and nail to get a job with prospects that fits around their care. His refusal to take any time off to look after one of the DC has extended now into our new setup. I left my DS who was recovered but tired with my best friend yesterday while I went to work. He rang me up and chastised me for it, saying that I was a crap mum. My daughter is ill today and I am off. She's still going to be off tomorrow. XP has said he will never, ever take a day off his job to look after the DC. He said that before we split and he is still saying it now. And he doesn't want me to leave them with family members or friends - putting me in a precarious position with my new, precious job. A job which is our lifeline. Which his DC will suffer from if I loose it because the hours fit around them. Why should I leave them with him after all that? I KNOW they are better off with me full time, especially given what XP can be like. Emotionally ignorant and controlling, with me a least.
He never made me laugh. He says and does things that I simply can't understand. I couldn't be intimate with him again if someone put a gun to my head.
Despite all this, I do feel his pain and dont want to see him in pain but continuing to live with him would have been a slow death to me, as would handing the kids over to him, who I do really believe are better off in my care. I have always been there main carer and XP made me a pay a price for that - what I did was so lowly that I couldn't even claim a day off from housework at the weekend for almost 8 YEARS. Yes....I'm bitter.
I just wanted to know if this would feel better.
I really don't think it would be good for their dc to be their dads emotional crutch.
I don't really follow your logic Flubba! Since when should the decision of where the kids stay depend on who ended the relationship?#
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