Two weeks into separating. 14 year relationship, two kids aged 5 and 7. I'm happy to be apart from him, I've wanted out for so long. But... his pain. I feel just so bad. I feel like I've ruined a man's life. I haven't cried once. He is crying every day. I feel wretched with guilt. . I'm certain I could ever have been intimate with him again and that was the cause of so much pain and frustration for both of us, like a dry rot in the relationship. I'm trying to do want I can. inviting him over all the time. Letting him be reallly angry and mean to me without raising to it. Making so much effort, but even that has a whole nother dimension of pain for him. I feel like I've destroyed a persons life. Is this normal to feel this way? Does it get any better?
ilovehugs - not sure if you'd go for this. But if he wants support Families Need Fathers may help him. They provide emotional support amongst other things and will help him work out the best way forward for your dc. I'm an active member of them. They're a government-funded parenting charity.
I know how he feels - I went through the same thing as him. I felt ripped in half (and my ex was nowhere as reasonable as you seem) for a long time and they helped me lots.
I do want him to be ok and I do want him to have regular contac and be involved. But refusing to take time off work and then chasting me for leaving a recovering child with my friend whilst I work and dictating how I spend my time when he had them are big issues. I want us all to be better off from this in the long term. I will look into support for him though so thank you for the info.
Also there are big communication and trust issues. I have agreed to all his terms on everything so far in terms of contact, money and housing. I have done everything he has asked. The one thing I can't do is live with him again.
Well done on getting away from him. He sounds a horrible person and controlling. Could you speak to a solicitor to draw up proper agreements about money/housing etc... He has no right to say what you can or cannot do when you are alone, I would suggest you take a day off and try to relax and do not be an emotional crutch to this man again.
Don't get into the `blame game' that seems to be so popular with some people here on Mumsnet.
There is usually fault on both sides when it comes to a relationship breaking down and there is nothing to gain from painting the one side as a villain and the other as victim. It's hard seeing as it after the death of a close relative it is the worst situation most people will find themselves in.
If you can talk to him at all - for God's sake do it. If it doesn't work face to face, use mediation (google National Family Mediation). Do not expect a solicitor to `make it all better' - it doesn't work. They resolve the legal issues...but while court cases end bitterness, hurt and vengence can last a life time.
It's a sad truth though that once one side decides to `press the nuclear button' and take a heavy-handed legal approach the other one is obliged to do the same. It's mutually assured destruction. It's going to take chunks out of both of you in ways you couldn't ever possibly imagine. If you can avoid a nasty fight you should do - not for his sake...for your childrens'.
Yes. He's doing and saying things he shouldn't (chances are you are too...but it's not a competition to determine the most wronged). You have a right to an independent life now you have parted and a right not to be bullied, intimidated or harassed.
In time there is no reason why you and he cannot be the strongest in allies working together for your kids' sake.