i've lost all sight of what is fair in this situation.

(32 Posts)
Booyhoo Mon 18-Mar-13 14:31:09

two dcs with EXP aged 7 and 3. until 1 month ago EXP was in the forces and DC have always lived with me. even when EXP lived with me he was away 90% of the time and it is fair to say i have been the majority care giver. EXP lives 7 miles away and shares a car with his fiancee who has two jobs and uses the car to get to her jobs. i am currently unemployed but am in the process of registering as a CMer (which has been delayed for various reasons including my LL dragging his feet on work being done in the house) i'm also trying to set up a small business for evenings and weekends and the decision to do so was based entirely on the fact that EXP told me he was leaving his job and would be at home full time and would be having the dcs every other weekend friday- sunday and at least 1 weeknight every week. if i hadn't thought i would have this support with the dcs i would not have done my course and invested what little money i have in it, including paying out for childcare at the time.

so EXP came home over a month ago and there has been no mention of what days/times he wants to have the dcs for the EOW arrangement.

i texted today asking if he had any idea what he wanted and he said that he will be starting a new job in a few weeks so wont be able to have the dcs during the week. i said ok, but you can have them until you start the new job so what days. he said he is helping someone out during the days at the minute so cant have the dcs but that he would have a bit of money for me (i dont want this to be about money but yes i am struggling since he left his job so i'm grateful that i will be getting something).

however i'm feeling very frustrated. it makes sens that if EXp is working that the dcs stay here. the school is behind my house. it is silly to insist that he gets up earlier to drop them in here in the mornings and especially if he is having to share a car with his partner and she is already at work. however the bit i'm struggling with is, what if i was to have a job, would i suddenly be less obligated to have my dcs overnight? and how about when i am CMing? i will of course look after my own children but surely half of the childcare should be his responsibility and if he expects me to do his half (which clearly he does) then should i lose income because of it? i can only look after so many children and having my own two here means two less paid mindees. again, of course i will look after my own dcs rather than EXP sending them somewhere else but his income isn't being affected because he has children, nor is he having to worry about childcare.

also, i was depending on EXP having the dcs at least 1 evening a week so that i could get my business up and running. it will require me to be able to leave the house and have clients in which isn't practical if i'm having to do baths and bed time and get drinks for dcs etc. exp had told me he would be there for me and he knew my plans for this business so knew what childfree time i would need. obviously i am glad that he is working, he shouldn't be prevented from working because he has children but i'm feeling that i am being taken for granted as his childcare and that he is free to have whatever career path he chioses yet i know if i chose to WOH full time like he is then i would carry the full weight of the childcare costs.

can someone please tell me what is fair and if i should be asking for a bit more help or not? i feel like i am he one still making all teh sacrifices when i honestly thought that him being home full time would mean i could start getting my life back.

Booyhoo Tue 19-Mar-13 21:19:25

CMing will be my full time, main source of income.

CabbageLeaves Tue 19-Mar-13 21:25:48

It's totally unfair and goes ignored by society as an issue. We mothers are considered to be unnatural to hope for any time without them...even if that time is to enable you to work!

I love my DC. I also work full time ExH also known affectionately as arsehole or oxygen thief does nothing, contributes nothing.

I'm exhausted mostly smile

I recognise I can't make him. I'm on my own in this and love my kids. It's an issue for society that a parent can just walk away...

Booyhoo Tue 19-Mar-13 21:48:39

i feel very much like a teenager saying "it's not fair" but i cant deny that it is very unfair. if i typed word for word the responses i got from my EXp yesterday i think a fair few of you would be in shock and as outraged as my friend was today when i told her. i feel like there should be a way for me to sue him somewhere down the line for loss of earnings or his half of the childcare costs. is it pointless me trying to pursue this and getting him to step up to what he should be doing or should i just give in and let him away with it because to push for it will probably do my emotional health more harm than good. i feel like it is so easy for people to get away with this because society are saying "it's not fair but you just have to do your best without his help" why are we just accepting that it's unfair but not doing anything about it?

ballstoit Tue 19-Mar-13 22:00:07

If he doesn't want them at his house, because of the early start etc, would he have them at yours? If you could bear to have him in the house grin

It's not fair though, it sucks...my ex-h 'helps me out' with 'my' children when it suits him. For which I'm supposed to be very grateful hmm

Booyhoo Tue 19-Mar-13 22:18:59

he cant be trusted in my home, either with my personal belongings or with my personal boundaries so having them here wouldn't be an option, and TBH i dont think it's one he would ever consider as he has a fiancee and he has it much easier there than he would here. i wouldn't be making his dinner or doing the childcare for him for starters which he would expect if he were here (and gets from his partner when the dcs are there)

i put it to him that lots of parents work and have to do something with their dcs during those hours. i used to work full time when ds1 was small and i did what lots of people do which is use a nursery. EXP seems to be unable to make a connection between him having children to do something with between 8 and 5 and him deciding on what do to with them between teh hours of 8 and 5 hmm

BranchingOut Wed 20-Mar-13 15:29:20

Please stay hopeful. One day you won't have so many worries around childcare and you will have built up a successful business/income. But maybe it just has to be done in small steps...

As they get older would you consider a lower-cost babysitter (maybe a teenager) at the weekend, to enable you to do your beauty work?

My suggestion is just to offer appointmts in the time you have - maybe make it a selling feature, a bit like groupon? Eg, you build up a list of people who might be interested in treatments at shorter notice but at a discount rate. DON'T let on that it is due to childcare, it is because your treatments are so ace that you are overbooked!!

Booyhoo Wed 20-Mar-13 16:03:23

yes i am brainstorming at the minute to get ideas for how i can make this work for the time being without childcare and what you suggest is coming out as being the most viable option.

i know in the grand scheme of things childcare just isn't a big issue but just right now it's a big obstacle in me getting off the ground with no money to pay for it. in reality i have only a couple (if that) more years before ds2 would be reliable enough to get his own drinks/toilet etc without disturbing me if he woke up. ds1 is capable of it if i explained, "i am working and have a client in" but ds2 not yet. and of course once i am bringing in some money i will be able to pay someone to babysit. however, people face far bigger issues and they manage so i'm sure i will be able to do it even if i do resent the fact that EXp is sitting at home having a beer when he could be helping out. but i have to get over that and just do what i need to do otherwise i wont get anywhere.

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